Problems in life and how to deal with them: Lesson #1 The persistent boner

I woke up in the middle of the night yesterday and couldn't go to sleep. I needed to pee but I had the most massive erection in the world. It was just there, hard as a rock, immobile. I tried everything I could to get it down- I thought about gore, animals, teletubbies and war; but no matter how hard I tried, the boner would not subside. Hitting critical point I made my way to the toilet in an attempt to complete a feat no man has successfully accomplished yet-peeing with a boner without wasting a drop.


I knew standing in an upright position would not allow me to successfully complete the mission so I thought about sitting on the toilet and peeing like women. Unfortunately my penis would not fit in the toilet. The shower suddenly looked very tempting but cleaning afterwards would not be fun and I might miss a spot. So I did the only thing left in my list of option. I bent down push up style and peed. SUCCESS! The position was at the perfect angle of elevation in comparison to my penis. This meant the degree in which the piss entered the toilet ensured no drops fell victim to gravity and missed. That fellow reader is how you pee with a boner.
PROBLEM SOLVED!

My comic

Happyhobo's Guide to the World: United States Of America

Discovered by Columbians who were searching for some spicy Indian food after getting the munchies, they discovered the United States were full of Indians. These Indians built the Taj Mahal in what is now New York. Rich in culture and theology, the Indians in America now drive all the taxis or run 7/11 stores.

United States is famous for its fine cuisine. A typical American meal consists of lard fried in more lard dipped in fat and cholesterol topped off with some coronary blockage. Only in America can you order a large cheeseburger, fries and a DIET coke. Americans pride in keeping in shape and that is why road speed limits are set at low standards as cars are unable to travel any faster carrying American weight.

All Americans are delivered from the womb carrying 15 rounds of ammo and either a shotgun or a machine gun depending on how big their mother is. The first amendment states that all Americans must be able to shoot terrorists even when intoxicated or under the influence. That is the law and Americans love obeying the law.

America spawned the biggest movie industry in the world called Bollywood. America also spawned many big things like big food, big toilets, and sports for big people. American Football is the only sport where "big" people can excel excluding golf since golf isn’t a sport. Americans also like to drive big trucks and then complain about gas prices.

American education revolves around everything about them. That is why America shortened the name to just "US" as the world is just about America. All Americans have to care about learning is American knowledge; that’s it. Anything else is deemed terrorist propaganda.

Quick facts about America

1. In America, a pizza is delivered faster than an Ambulance call.

2. In America, there are more fat people than there are people.

3. Americans favourite show is Funniest Home Videos and that just consists of an hour of people getting their balls kicked or getting hurt. Quality entertainment!

4. 60% of Americans don't know the sun is a star.

5. 50% can't find America on the globe.

There you go. Currently a world superpower. Says a lot about humanity doesn't it. Next time in happyhobo's guide to the world: China!

Letter to Santa

Since Christmas is about to begin, Happy Hobo has decided to write a letter to Santa in hopes of getting nice presents for this year.
Dear Santa,
How are you? We haven't spoke for a year and I tried adding you on facebook but you never replied. Anyways, I would just like you to know I have behaved very very well this year. I didn't look at any boobie pictures, stopped touching myself and studied so hard I got all C's at school! I even volunteered to help an elderly person which is saying a lot since I'm scared of old people.

I must say I was slightly disappointed last year when I was hoping for a brand new Porsche and naked women as presents but got a pair of socks and a tie. That’s ok, this year I've worked even harder than last year. I even managed to get some special ingredients for the brownies and cookies I'm planning to cook for you from a Jamaican guy on the streets. Unfortunately, I won't be able to supply milk since I'm lactose intolerant so I'll just leave a carton of beer for you.
Well, this year, I guess this is my wish list. Please don't disappoint me.

Happy hobo’s wish list

1. Angry Angus Burger

2. A real girlfriend

3. An intergalactic LOW space orbit ion cannon

4. Cherry flavoured condoms

5. For my dog to stop having AIDS.

6. A new Michael Jackson song.

That is all. I've made renovations on my house by installing a Chimney just for you. Hope to see you soon!

Love XOXOXOXOXOXO
Happy hobo

Happy Hobo's eating Achievements.

The day has come where we sum up all HappyHobo's eating achievements in one blog post. Be prepared to be wowed and amazed at the amazing eating abilities of HappyHobo!

Most Burgers Eaten In One Sitting:
6 burgers- 2 Double layered Cheeseburgers plus four normal cheeseburgers. Ate dinner at 6 that night but got hungry after watching 300 at 8 and went on to consume 6 burgers plus a coke and a packet of chips. Heart attack here I come.

Most Pizza Consumed in One Sitting.
1 large Papa John's pizza by myself. Just to give international readers a idea of how big an American pizza is. The large Pizza in Australia is only considered a medium pizza in the US. Reason i consumed it was not out of hunger but because a fagot friend of mine got a misplaced order and didn't get his pizza so everyone gave him a slice. I didn't because I am a cheap ass and wanted to teach him a lesson so i consumed it all just to not look bad.

Most constipated diet
When I was working at a camp, we just got fed carbohydrates to keep us fed and full instead of providing nutrients. So as you can imagine, we went into labour and anal hemorrhaging everyday at 7am.

Favourite Place to Eat
I perform best in Chinese buffets eating an average of 3-4 full plates and the maximum being 5 plates. The secret is to not eat the fried food at the start in order to maximise stomach storage and don't drink water as fried food + water = expansion.

Most food consumed in one sitting
Consumption is as follows:
2 large bowls of rice.
1 bowl of dumpling
5 chicken drumsticks
1/4 kg of various meats
2 plates of vegetables
i cereal bowl of icecream
1 plate of desert.

Need to use toilet now. Catch yall later...........

Happyhobo's Guide to the World: Korea

Being an educational blog, Happyhobo will teach you about the countries that make up our world. The first country on the list is none other than Korea!

North Korea

North Korea is located north of South Korea. Its also home to Kim Jong IL who is known for his advertisements in hair products and also running the country though mainly for the hair. The Capital Pyongyang (means vagina in Korean) is a huge metropolis. North Korea opposes global warming so during night time, the good citizens of North Korea turn of their lights in an attempt to save penguins in Antarctica. Recently, North Korea have developed a nuclear bomb and sticky taped it to a missle thus the name taepodong (taped penis). North Korea has only one industry in its economy-the glorification of Kim jong il. 99.9% of the population is employed in this industry which involves building great statues of kim Jon Il and waving colourful flags. During World War 3, North Korea bombed a place called Pearl harbor causing the Australians to retaliate. Recently, North Korea agreed to abandon its nuclear program if America gives it candy.
South Korea

Unlike their brothers from North Korea, South Korea came into existence when the Berlin War was built thus seperating the two into different countries. South Korea is more modernised then North Korea. Its national sport is Starcraft and military strategies are developed according to Starcraft. Excellent military strategist from South korea are hired by countries all over the world. South Korea like America's own South is where all the hillbillies and rednecks are. These people are know as Samurais. Samurai's spend their days using swords to fight each other instead of guns and eating alot so they can get fat and wrestle each other. The national currency for South korea is Vespene Gas and Minerals. Contary to popular belief, kimchi is not a South Korean dish, rather its a Japanese dish. The real national dish of South Korea is kebabs.

The next logical step is to tell a fellow Korean you know all about their country! Coming up next time in Happyhobo's guide to the world: United States of America.

Masturbation For Guys 101

Well, today readers, I will share with you enlightened knowledge. The art of masturbation (for a guy). Masturbation is a taboo subject but people don't know masturbation stops rape, aids and criminal behaviour. Having masturbated the majority of my life-I can call myself somewhat of an expert. Masturbation involves technique, timing and precise movements to achieve the ultimate goal. Since many people are doing it wrong and suffering penis damage-consider your penises saved after reading this post.
We begin with the basics. In order to masturbate-one must first be warmed up. To do this watch some porn or sniff some panties imported from Japan. When you finished warming up, you should be "in heat." This means your penis should be theoretically erect and warm. If penis is not in position; you’re warming up wrong.
SECRET TECHNIQUE-if your not warmed up adequately, consider stroking your nipples and pulling your balls. Penis should be at horizontal or above in height to your body. (90degrees). Use Pythagoras theorem to make sure. As a last resort, jump up and down and your penis should be boucing up and down. this helps get blood into your penis despite clogging problems you may be experiencing.

Here at Happyhobo's blog, we do not condone the use of legal substances for you to gain an unfair advantage so that means substances such as Viagra are frowned upon.

Now, progress by placing dominant hand over penis-similar to how one would hold a racquet. Grip strength should be around 80% of your maximum power. Move hand up to the shaft and then slide down while maintaining grip power. Repeat process at controlled speeds gradually increasing in speed until you reach orgasm. How to tell if you reached orgasm? When love juice is released. If you’re not releasing love juice, then show some more love.

I-masturbation black belt will now teach you advanced masturbation techniques. Who says the mission should be over after just ONE orgasm? SECRET TECHNIQUE-in order to achieve multiple orgasm, begin stimulation as soon as first orgasm is complete to make sure you don't lose your form after all that hard work warming up.(hold erection) Now, at the base of penis(where it connects to body) hold the two sides with your thumb and first finger(non-masturbating hand). When you’re ready to orgasm rub or press down the top of the base of penis. (The face that faces you and where pubic hair is). Orgasm number 2! If done correctly, one should be "shooting blanks" after a few orgasms. Note: Penis may twitch after consecutive orgasms but this is normal and it means it’s fatigued.

One more SECRET TECHNIQUE: to avoid ejaculation, press up on the area between the legs (underneath your balls) and surprise! (this practice may result in you needing a plumber)
Last SECRET TECHNIQUE: stand on your toes after first orgasm or unfurl your toes. then try to push your abdomen foreward. you should be able to come quicker.
Be wary of injuries though. Like athletics, professional masturbation requires one to outperform the bodies limitations. Injuries vary. One of my friends masturbated so much he started bleeding. Watch out for friction burns so apply lubricant when possible.
So now you know how to masturbate, what are you waiting for? Why are you still looking at this post????

My Job as a salesman

Well, I just got a job-as a salesman. Job description- I get to walk around in searing heat "trying" to get people to buy wax. Sounds fun? (I'd rather stick to masturbating). Although I have to admit, this wax spray is pretty awesome. You can do so many things with it;-wash cars, clean windows, and self protection device, use it as a mild explosive device and sniffing it can probably get you high. Despite this, it’s still hard to try convincing people to part ways with their hard earn moolah.

On my first day on the job, I followed a top gun salesman and their team as we went around trying to get people to buy awesome wax. It’s a tough job, need a toilet break? May I introduce you to adult nappies? Angry people? Well I just use my wax spray as defence. The only good thing about this job is talking to different people. Some have big noses, others have thick moustaches (even some of the ladies) but every one of them is a dollar cow waiting to be milked kaching!(I've sold my soul haven't I?) Lunch break consisted of smoking cigarettes and checking how much I have sold. One guy smoked so much he had his own tobacco bag to save money and was rolling them himself. Every one of the salesman smoked so maybe it's a job perquisite? Once again I managed to attract awkward attention by getting sprayed in the face. Here I was holding the door for the salesman when the wind blew the spray into my face as he was giving a demonstration, involuntarily I swore and that sale obviously didn’t go very well. I’m surprised they even hired me.

I'm worried though since when I talk, sometimes spit flies out and if it does hit someone in the eye-whose going to pay compensation?

My Resume

Dear Sir or Madam,
My name is Happy Hobo and would like to apply for whatever job you have on offer. Please find my attached resume and i look forward to hearing from you.

yours truly
Happy Hobo IIIVIII

      Resume for HappyHobo

Name: Happy "Sparemesomechange" Hobo

Sex: never

Nationality: Jedi

Address: on the streets

Phone Number: 911

email: hotmale@hotmail.com

Objective:
To become Overlord of the Galaxy.

Education and training:

2000-2006- Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft

2006-2010- University Of Harvard Princeton New York (Location: India)

- Major: League Baseball

-Minor: Only had one DUI and "one minor" infringency for public indecency.

Working Experience:
Last Week:  Self Employed

Duties included patting myself on the back and giving myself pay rises.

Some time last month: Shop Assistant
Responsibilities included checking customers out.

A long time ago: Took a career break to mourn the loss my favourite pair of socks.

I can't remember if i did this job or not.
Duties include checking old people to see if they have died or not. Cleaning vegetable people.

Skills:                              

Attention to detail.
Attention to detail.
Can convince people for sexual favours.
I can type without looking at the keybard.
I have skills that will take your breath away.
Burp in rapid succession.

Special Achievements and awards:
I failed school with reasonable high grades.
I came 3rd out of a class of 4.

References:
God

Will this help me get the job?

Facts you must know

Did you know
1. The word bed looks like a bed.

2. Racecar is the same word backwards.

3. The word shark looks like a shark.

4. "ok"-look from the side and its a stickman!

5. Hold your left thumb at the fingernails for 10 seconds. Then put it into your throat. There will be no gag reflex.

6. You cannot move your head back and forthe with your mouth open.(look in the mirror).

8. The word "silent" is made up of the same letters as listen.

8. The Bible makes no mention of Adam and Eve eating an apple.

9. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

10. Number 7 on this list is a 8.

11. Save trees by pulling your ass cheeks to the side when pooping so you use less toilet paper.

12. Bite your upper lip to stop sneezing.

Don't you feel so wise?

Picture Game

Are you guys up for a challenge? Below is a set of images. If you can get to the last image without laughing-you get a prize-a smug feeling you accomplished something today. Let the games begin!
Difficulty: Easy

Difficulty: Medium

Difficulty: Hard

Congratulations:If you reached here without laughing. you just won a smug feeling.

How to Kill flies with Mushrooms

Here at Happyhobo's blog, we pride in being a educational blog too. So today readers, i will teach you a way to kill flies with mushrooms! Killing flies by swatting may be fun (if your a psycho or my grandma) but it can be time consuming and leave dirty entrails all over the place. Here is a way to kill flies effortlessly.

Things You'll Need:
Amanita muscaria and milk.

Instructions:

Step 1

Find a special type of mushroom called Amanita muscaria. Don't know what it is? Ask your local drug dealer or child and they can probably tell you. Amanita muscaria is a mushroom that gives you hallucinogen reactions if consumed(DRUGS ARE BAD),it is also the mushrooms that smurfs live in on TV.

Step 2
You can find these mushrooms growing nearly anywhere fungi can survive. Wood areas and damp tall grass are good places to find them!

Step 3
Grab a mushroom and cut it up into pieces. The smaller the better. Best if in sprinkle size.

Step 4
Sprinkle into milk or any liquid that attracts flies(your poop will also suffice).

Step 5
Watch flies commit suicide and DUI!

Step 6
Sweep up dead bodies.

Note:

Wash the knife unless you want to start seeing smurfs in real life! Obviously don't drink the milk unless (see above warning). If you are a child reading this drugs are bad mmmkay?

This WORKS! What is does is once the fly consumes the mushroom; it enters delirium and starts flying all over the place. They will fly into walls or windows knocking themselves out. They can also "pass out". Funny but true. I wonder what flies hallucinate.......

Cockblocked by a Dog

Once again, life has proven that Happyhobo must remain virgin for the amusement of god.

So here i was, running up and down the hills for fitness and health (and partly because I'm crazy and have nothing to do....the things boredom does to you.); when this really pretty girl and her friend walks over and sit down to watch me run. Getting excited i made sure i flexed every muscle in my body to enhance my athletic physique including my eyeballs whilst trying to think up of a witty introduction and/or pickup line. It was an awfully windy day so my shirt was blowing up and down showing them my baby fat, but i was sure they were impressed, like in the movies when someone runs in slow motion and there is wind everywhere...

On my last lap, i prepare to man up and make conversation when out of the corner of my eye, i see this flash of white. I hear laboured breathing sounds, DEJAVU! "Roff roff rofff" screamed this freaking dogas it barked all over the place and tried to make advancements on my nuts. It ran in circles and started to slobber over my clothes. But then the most awful thing happened. I swear to god that the dog smiled at me when it made eye contact with me, then with the two girls. In my mind i screamed "nooooooooo" but it was too late. The target has been set. Its canine brain focused on one thing. COCK BLOCKAGE. I tried to distract it but the damn dog was unimpressed at my attempts at dog talk. It chased after the two girls and then the girls ran like crazy. That my friends, is the story of how one dog stopped one man from reaching one vagina.

So now you know why I'm still a virgin. From now on, every time i see a girl, i must make sure there are no dogs within my vicinity. You never know when they may strike but when they do........mans best friend my ass.

All about happyhobo 2

When Happyhobo was born, his father had a dream that one day, Happyhobo would become a super famous sports star. No one cares about happy hobos dreams so since the infant years, Happyhobo has been training excessively to become a sports star. The only problem was Happyhobo has absolutely no motor skills and couldn't crawl as a kid. You'd think that not being able to crawl was a hint that Happyhobo shouldn't play sports but reality does not apply to Happyhobo's father.

Once when Happyhobo was in high school he learnt a very valuable lesson which he shall share with you. The story involves a boy named Malvin who bullied a younger boy. Now the younger boy had an older cousin who was pretty well connected called Ibrahim. Ibrahim was angry that Malvin bullied his younger cousin so with a bunch of boys, Ibrahim found Malvin and told him to apologise. Malvin believing that he was in the right side and ignoring the fact he was outnumbered 30 to 1 refused. Ibrahim gave him one last chance to apologise but since Malvin refused the first time, Ibrahim told him to get on his knees this time and say sorry. Once again Malvin refused. Then with extreme velocity Ibrahim swung his arm around and punched Malvin in the face. Malvin lost some teeth and now looks somewhat like Happyhobo. So the moral of this story is: if you have a big ego, you better have a big dental plan. Congratulations, you just wasted 2 minutes of your life listening to a useless story.

/

/

These last few years leading up to our current time, Happyhobo has been doing some travelling around the US where he has met some wonderful people and some not so wonderful people. These days, you will find Happyhobo not doing anything productive for humanity and talking in third person.

#happy hobo would like to thank his loyal readers(stalkers). Im also working on something new that will be unveiled soon!

All about happyhobo

Now its getting personnal so readers, today, i will reveal all about me! But wait, why so serious? its no fun if i just give you the facts. Instead, I'm going to riddle this post with riddles so stalkers will have to go to extra effort to find me.

Happyhobo was born on the same day as Rachel Bilson from the OC.(only famous person i could find.) Happyhobo's dad was a electric technician who later proceeded to sue a condom company-this however is not relevant here OK? Happyhobo's mother was a ninja who is very good at math. The result of a electrician and a ninja spawned a Happyhobo as noted in Einstein's theory of "how to generate a Happyhobo".

Happyhobo moved to a new country where there are lots of dangerous cute animals such as the cuddly koala that really have deadly sharp claws and kangaroos. Due to the cuteness of kangaroos, Happyhobo in his youth thought it would be fun to approach one and feed it. The result was being chased by a kangaroo and getting kicked by something of the same height.

Since the tender age, Happyhobo always showed signs of being "different." The use of the word different is a kind analogy, using a more descriptive word-"stupid" would be more relevant. Once during a game of hide and seek, the opponent hid behind Happyhobo and chanted "come find me."Being the intelligent person happy hobo is,Happyhobo began a fruitless quest in finding a person hidden behind him never once bothering to look back.

Happyhobo was also scared of water. Happyhobo's father tried to man Happyhobo up and told Happyhobo a story about how he had learnt swimming.-"Son, when i was your age, somebody kicked me into a lake and i learnt how to swim." To this, happy hobo relied"i don't think he was trying to teach you how to swim...." Despite years of swimming lessons, Happyhobo never learnt how to swim until one day at the beach. A fin protruded from the water and the theme music from Jaws started playing. Panic everywhere but that didn't affect Happyhobo, because for now, Happyhobo was swimming faster than Michael Phelps.

To be continued........

Halloween Special

Halloween is coming up! its time to dress up,stock up on candy and organise dental appointments. For pedophiles and serial killers, it means its time to refuel the van,stock up on candy and wear whatever your wearing now-happy trick and treating!

Ive only been through one American Halloween in my life and already, Ive noticed a scam in the making. First, you've got the adults trick and treating with infants in strollers, not only are they not dressed up-as if a baby is going to dig into rock hard candy when it hasn't even got teeth yet. So i wonder where all the candy goes, oh wait, obese mum, of course. pregnancy is over lady, what you eat ain't going to a baby no more. Next is the "outstanding costumes". Here is dialect i exchanged with a kid:

"hi, what are you meant to be?"

"im a playa, word"

"player? what do you play?"

"look brah, don't hate the playa, hate the game."

"alright alright, take the candy, here take my wallet too."

Oh yeah, i got tricked by a player no pun intended. Last but not least is the worst thing about Halloween-crappy candy. Aldi candy and No Frills is not real candy okay? Sure you save money by buying in bulk and able to sustain the whole night but giving diarrhoea and aids to children is not the spirit of Halloween!

Well, have a great Halloween and hope you have such a frightful night you shit yourself.

Realistic Sex Story Part Two

Maria could smell Anita's breath, as slowly, their plump lips pressed towards each other. Kissing like hardcore lesbians at a Mardi Gra party when suddenly Maria broke off the kiss. "Why you looking away?"Maria said angrily "when you kiss, you look people in the eye, am i that ugly?" "I have a medical condition remember?" came the awkward reply, "oh yeah sorry...." They resumed the kiss. By this time now, both of them were hot and passionate embracing each other. Maria began thrashing her tongue deep into Anita's mouth. *choke. Anita barfed all over the floor.

"WTF was that? that's not cool."Anita cried while cleaning the last drops of vomit from her mouth

Maria was confused, "i thought deep tongue kissing was erotic?"

"Well i have a shallow mouth, Jesus, that was like a snake or a reptile or something...."

"I'm sorry, look lets just get to the orgasm part okay?"

"Fine."

Both of them began undressing.

They looked at each other naked and the feeling of lust overcame them. Anita raced towards Maria and began grabbing any body part she could as she passionately kissed them. Maria bent down and looked at Anita's pubic region but, instead she discovered a rain forest. She could even hear frogs chirping.

"whoa, there is no way i am going anywhere near that thing unless Rambo accompanies me. Damn women you never heard of shaving?"

"Jeez, it was a long winter okay? fine, if you don't do it, ill do yours. I like rainbow flavoured skittles." Anita bent down and progressed slowly towards the rainbow when the fish market landed in the room.

"OMGAWSH! whats that smell? are you cooking fish for dinner?" Anita quipped

"wha..? oh yeah, I'm cooking fish...fish of course...fish."

"it shall smells like fish really bad, all this fish smell is making me hungry." Anita stood up and began sniffing the place in search of fish like a bear.

"Hungry, you not horny anymore? what about your ovaries?"

"its okay Maria I'm sure happy hobo is joking, besides, his not a real person hahaha."

The two had a wonderful lunch of fish and chips and by nighttime Anita was dressed and gone.

As Anita walked down the street, she ran into a homeless man. The homeless man looked up and smiled, he had teeth missing.

"Oh no!, oh no, I'm so-"

Witnesses, say what they'd seen was definitely paranormal. A homeless guy raised his fist and light shone from his hand, he then punched the victim in the stomach and two egg like sacs flew out of the victims body. Police are still looking for the perpetrator.

Realistic Sex Story

Does erotic literature turn you on? My story will make Viagra obsolete.

Maria, waited by the window. John's car still has not turned up. He has been late for the third time this month. Was work really that busy? They'd been married for 5 years next January yet lately, Maria couldn't help but notice the flagging love in their relationship.

Maria checked herself out in the mirror, she had nice breasts, not too big not too small. Except for a tiny few strands of hair on her left breast nipple, her breasts were porn star quality. Her pubic hair was carefully trimmed, Maria even dyed it rainbow coloured last week. Her huge tattoo on her right butt cheek which should read "if you can see this,your f^cked" but cellulite has taken over and it now read"you see this f^ck". Maria stroked her hair, and it began snowing. Looks like its time to take care of the dandruff Maria thought. A true goddess yet her man seems to think it was not enough. The sound of her husbands car approached the driveway. Sighing, Maria went to greet her husband.

The next day, Maria's best friend Anita Cocke came to visit. Now Anita has been single for as long as Maria can remember. Maria always tried to introduce Anita to new men but Anita's slightly lopsided eyes and a nose that would make Owen Wilson jealous was a hard sell for men. Chatting away, the conversation gradually turned to sex life.

"OMG I'm so horny, i haven't had sex in like forever!"-Maria exclaimed.

"lets have sex so the male audience reading this will get a boner and masturbate."-Anita said.

"what lesbian sex?, but I'm not gay!"-Maria was astounded, "we are also best friends!"

Anita sighed, "oh well, its come to this" with those words, Anita reached into her handbag and pulled out a dildo."JUST F$%^ING have sex with me or ill dildo slap you!!!......sorry, its just that happyhobo really pressured me into doing this and if i don't, he said he will falcon punch my ovaries. "

"Very well" said a resigned Maria, "lets do this to save your potentially ugly offspring."

Maria edged closer to Anita, their faces coming together..........

Continued in part two

Human Mating rituals

Walking down the mall today, i see a "?". Well this "?" is hard to describe but upon closer inspection, i discovered the "?" was a guy dressed in women makeup /or a really guy looking girl. Anyways, the "?" got the wrong vibe and thought i was checking the "?" out. So the "?" gave me a "oh bitch you checking me out look?" and proceeded to respond to my frightfully misdirected stare. I'm sure this has happened to you before so Ive compiled a guide to ease the confusion of the mating process helping to avoid awkward encounters and possible man on man action.

For girls:

Make eye contact. Smile, not in a dopey high way unless your target is a hippy but in a "I'm nice girl so now do me kind of way". Man should get signal to approach you. If the guy is shy, beckon him forward with your finger. No man can resist the finger of temptation. If looking for casual sex. Keep on using the finger. Or just spread legs and say vacant space needs filling, Smalls penor need not apply. If its for love, make conversation. During the conversation, make sure you are showing off your best anatomy. Such can be done by folding your arms and pushing up your breasts or bend forward slightly to a 45 degree angle. If going nowhere. Repeat following phrase:

"Girls with asses like mine don't go out with guys with faces like yours."

For guys:

Make gorilla noises and pound your chest. Loudest sound gets the hot chick. Skip making conversation and all that jibber jabber. If girl begins talking, pull out penis and stick into mouth. WARNING: NOT your own mouth. Sometimes, you may face competition. This can be solved by showing your masculinity and dominating all males. In some animal species, the dominant male rapes the weaker male as a show of strength. Same applies here. If going nowhere. Then provoke women to slap you so you can pound her face and say it was self defense. Just kidding-women beating is for cowards but then its what feminists want right? Women are equal remember.

NOW go forth and multiply......or divide......or ask a math teacher to help you out.

Creative ways to die

Everyone wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die. So when the time does come-how do you want to go? Here are some interesting deaths that has happened and can happen?

1.Dieing by sex-very manly way to go. Suffer heart-attack whatever. Having sex automatically puts you above 99 percent of the Internet population who aren't even getting any.

2. Die laughing- Made possible by some guy who couldn't stop laughing at a TV show. Proves TV does kill braincells and even lives.

3. Die by time machine. That's right, go back and have sex with your mother. TIME CONTINUUM PARADOX. What a way to go.

4. Crushed to death by war elephant. How many people can proclaim that at a funeral? Not a elephant- a mother f%$cking war elephant.

5. Getting hit by a space object. It could be a meteor, alien ship,space junk or even nasa sattelites.... Walking down the street and is that a plane?is that superman? no its a meteor coming straight for me. WOW sooo shiny, im just going to stand here and watch the shiny light *dribbles saliva.

6. Die by ownage. Dress like a terrorist then find the most redneck bar in America and shout die infidels. Then wait for sweet heaven.

7.Die by hunting. You can either hang out with Dick Cheney or dress like a animal and run around the woods during hunting season.

8.Die by collision with the moon. I mean, once you reach a certain weight, theoretically, you will get your gravitational pull. So eat junk food for 1000 years to reach epic proportions. Then wait as the moon crashes into you.

9. Last but not least die by the cross. That's right. Die on a cross then come back. (that makes Jesus a zombie!!!) The most epic way to die.

Well, don't try these at home boys and girls. Wait, the disclaimer goes at the start?

Progress in Life

Caption: You must be able to do this by 20 years of age.

I realised there is no standard on how and what you should have done in life by the time you reach certain ages so HappyHobo is going to provide you with some guidance on how to live life.(Why am i talking in third person?)

Age 0 to 1 years-Get born. If you get stuck-your most likely going to become overweight in life. Be able to repeat these simple steps:eat,sleep,poop,repeat.

Age 1-5 years- Learn the basics of humanity such as talking, walking, pooping in civilised places etc etc. Also learn basic human interaction skills and how to have a fit at the shopping mall in order to obtain candy or toys.

Age 5-10 years-bum around. Don't really have to accomplish anything in life.

Age 10-15 years- Begin puberty and growth spurt. If you began before this time, then good for you. choose a class that is going to stick with you till you reach 20. Eg.emo,goth,fag,jock etc etc.

Age 15-20 years-Mature and learn the benefits of alcohol and partying.

Age 20-25 years-More bumming around. decide what you want to do in life but still stick to alcohol and partying. If you have not lost you virginity by the end of this time span. Please find prostitute or become a monk.

Age 25-40 years- Get a real job instead of working at some fast food outlet. Can finally have sex without the condom for "procreation" purposes.

Age 40 - 50 years- Suffer mid life crisis. Learn benefits of Viagra.

Age 50 -70 years-Get old. If you are staying young, there is a problem and go see doctor. Start hating young people and begin using the phrase "back in my days".

Age 70-80 years-Prepare to die or die.

Age 80-100 years: Still not dead?

100+years:Crap, just sit there and rot slowly? Congratulations on making high score list.

Girlfriend specification

Getting a girlfriend is like getting a computer. For all you computer savvy out there, happy hobo is going to help you find the perfect girlfriend based on your daily needs.

When choosing a girlfriend, you must decide what you need her for; will she be a gaming girlfriend for social playing? Maybe a working girlfriend needed for job related tasks? She might just be a home girlfriend doing everyday tasks. Below is a set of minimum specifications needed to help you choose the perfect girlfriend.

Gaming Girlfriend
Manufacturer: Satan
Model: Gaming A100
Processor Speed: Single core 1 GHz (gaming girlfriends do not require high thinking speed as it makes it easier for you to trick them and they probably won’t remember it.)
Memory: 2mb (See above)
DVD/CD-drive: 1000x CD 500x DVD (all gaming girlfriends are good for. Require fast drive for your pleasure. Obviously DVD is slower because it’s smaller and probably will hurt the gaming computer. Make sure she cleans her DVD drive before you stick it in.)
Storage: 80 GB (Does not have enough space for baby. Can only store basic programs aka jizz etc)
Audio: Sound card +subwoofers (for audio pleasure)
Ports and misc items: 2xpower storage, 1 USB port, eye candy LCD screen.
Software and operation system: Vista, partying v3.0, sleeping v3.0, eating v3.0, sexytime v3.0
Overall Summary: Gaming girlfriends are only good for one thing-gaming. Other than that, it is just a waste of power and money as the gaming computer is known to be very expensive to maintain.


Work Girlfriend
Manufacturer: God
Model: Working A100

Processor speed: Quad Core core 6 GHz (working girlfriends require high thinking speeds in order to be productive.)

Memory: 8 GB (Must be able to multi task in order to be successful)

DVD/CD-drive: 4x CD 0x DVD (Working girlfriends do not come with a DVD drive. Basic CD drive is very slow)

Storage: 160 GB (Has space for baby though not recommended as it can slow working computer down. Can store useful programs and other stuff needed for your working needs)

Audio: Sound card (basic sound)

Ports and misc items: 2xpower storage, 1 USB port, (USB port is known not to recept to incoming signals)

Software and operation system: XP, sleeping v1.0, eating v1.0, office v3.0.
Overall Summary: Working girlfriends are very productive. Despite its productivity, the user may find it hard to engage in social gaming activities. Working computers come usually come with warranty (degrees and diplomas) so you can be sure your getting your value's worth.

Home Girlfriend
Manufacturer: Oprah Winfrey

Model: Home b1000
Processor speed: Dual core 1.8 GHz (Need average thinking power in order to complete daily tasks. Can lower thinking speed if you wish to get another girlfriend.)

Memory: 1 GB (See above)

DVD/CD-drive: 50x CD 50x DVD (cd drive is good for basic "burning and copying files". DVD drive may move fast if you’re lucky and you ask nicely)

Storage: 500GB (Can store everything you need. Able to store multiple babies)
Audio: nothing (for your safety, sound card has been removed to avoid nagging)

Ports and misc items: 2xpower storage, 1 USB port.

Software and operation system: Linux, Cleaning v3.0, Super Cleaner V3.0, Super cooker V8.0

Overall Summary: Home girlfriend is known to contract viruses is left home alone for extended periods of time.

What has blogging taught me

Well after 4 months of blogging, I have learnt many things. Well no not really, I haven't learnt anything but at least it sounds like I'm making progress.

I guess these points helped me realise something.

1. Blogging will not pay you. Originally I wanted to blog just so I can write down the weird stuff that I experience. Then I realised people were making money from it, then I realised that no, only a select few make money, then I realised I had mayonnaise on my shirt and attempted to lick it off.

2. Blogging is only half the battle, getting people to read it was much more difficult. I had to become a ewhore and whore myself onto forums and other whatnot in order to get other bloggers to read my stuff. Kinda like an exchange, I kick your back, you kick mine.... (Kick?????)

3. In order for crap to happen to me, I must first move in order to get crap done to me. That was the first mistake at the start of me blogging. Id just sit in my chair waiting for stuff to happen but according to happy hobos first law-for shit to happen to you, you must first party naked. So off I went to the real world. I even to move(something I don't like doing)! Although that did burn off some calories.

Well, my next goal is to get a domain name so search engines can find me easier. But in order to do that, I would need money. Well good readers-if you have any extra change feel free to donate to me. If you’re old and senile, also feel free to "contribute" and "invest" in this blog because I promise you, my bank in Nigeria will make you a millionaire in a short 1 month. Feel free to also comment on my blog posts, you can do it anonymously if you want to yell abuse at me.
From now on, i'm also going to improve the quality of my articles so it sounds more professional. (Ha-ha yeah right). Please bear with reworded articles and fixed spelling and grammar problems. (Thank god for spell-check).

Anyways, you guys be good and have a great day!

My Own Song

Caption: Looking constipated is a face most singers make

Back in my days when Pluto was still a planet, lots of music artist made it big time with their good voices and poetic lyrics. Nowadays, I guess you just sleep with a producer and instant stardom!!! Thanks to digital enhancement, anybody can be a star as long as you have the looks and charisma to pull it off. Lyrics begin talking about going bonkers, a song about paparazzi (wtf?), and a song about fast food? What next, are they going to start singing about going shopping next? It’s ok though, as always, happy hobo’s blog will provide the next top chart hitting song. Well just the lyrics at least; Id sing it myself though I sound like a person whose just inhaled lots of helium with a nasal twang and a lisp also suffering a bad case of tourettes.
I like them real bouncy by Happy Hobo.

(Imagine to the tune of Basshunter I can walk on water)

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA One day when I was
Walking
I saw a beautiful
f^$&ing nice big round bouncy
Ass
Is this a dream from smoking
grass?

I couldn’t believe what
Id seen
I was really
really keen
now i cant find words
that rhyme
this song must finish
in time
Repeat 9000 times.

A crappy story

I'm about to tell you a crap story-not in the sense that's it is boring but literally a story about crap. My crap to be exact. If poop makes you uncomfortable, please stop reading.

It all began 3 months ago on a cold cold morning. Waking up to the early 7 o'clock sunshine, me and my friend went to eat breakfast at our cafeteria. The inviting smell of scrambled eggs,sausages and toasting waffles met our noses as we entered the cafeteria. Being a carnivore, i chose lots of scrambled eggs mixed with Tabasco sauce, a glass of cold chocolate milk and 5 slices of bacon. A high protein meal fit of a heart attack. After the meal, i watched as the oil oozed around my plate. "Drink it" dared my sub-intelligent friend. Being the early morning, my judgement was impaired and i fell into the stupid dare a retard had set. Laughing we headed off to class.

Nothing spectacular happened during morning classes as the biology teacher literate on and on about some boring hormone or gene. Music class was fine too. It was not until i entered my theatre class did i realise something was not right. We were assigned to watching a Shakespeare play. Experiencing difficulty at understanding normal English, Shakespeare fagot talk gave me a headache. Now a stomach ache was rising but i chose to ignore it as it was my last class for the day. When class finished, i began to make my way back to the dorms in preparation for lunch.
After walking a few strides, i felt the primeval man kinds desire to "visit brown dragon" or "drop the foster kids off at school". Seeing how public toilets can give you aids, i chose to ignore it and do my business in the comfort of my own toilet. that i tell you now is the worst decision i have made in my life so far. Halfway towards the dorm, i realised this was not the classical hard formed poop pooped normally by healthy individuals, but its mutated cousin. The mixture of cold milk, bacon and raw oil did not mix well, too bad i attended biology class instead of chemistry....

AS i walked, i felt my bum muscles giving away. My brain issued a level 5(the highest) emergency to my ass cheeks but the battle was lost. At precisely 2300 hours, the invasion was won by the enemy and my poop made its presence known to the world. BOOM! it exploded breaking through my last lines of defence. Immediately, the cold day became hot around my bum area. However being the cold day it was, it froze. By now i was 3 quarters of the way to my destination. I became paranoid as people walked past me. I thought-"is juice leaking out?""can people see Ive pooped in my pants?""ahhh no more stomach ache" Luckily, it was exam time and everybody was too focused to notice brown juice leaking down my pants. I met a couple of friends just before i got into my bathroom. As you can probably guess, i told them i needed to crap and would catch up with them later. Little did they know, the deed was already done.
Well the rest gets boring, i just shower a lot and throw away all my clothes. The shower smelt like poop and i felt sorry for the cleaner but hey don't blame me-blame Shakespeare-his plays will bore you till you poop.

Well reader, now you know a crappy story about me. Hope you enjoy your food after reading this. :d

List of words used to find this blog

Here is a list of some of the keywords and terms used by readers on search engines to find this blog.

dog penis-bestiality is not supported at happy hobo's blog

20 year old virgin suffering from erectile dysfunction-how would you know if your a virgin?

bum family kidnapped by aliens need money for karate lessons-karate isn't going to work against aliens fool!

chat conversation where the cops come in-wtf?

dogs on steroids-animal cruelty

impact of steroids on dogs -more animal cruelty

is it illegal to join the mile high club? -is it illegal to have sex?

is Michael Jackson monkey dead -why would you care?

monkey on steroids photo -Duan "Dog" chapman?.

putting your dog on roids -roids?

should you feed your dog more when their on steroids-lets ask animal abuse association shall we?

what to do if your children calls you a fat hippy-parenting site?

gangsta doctor tv show-new TV show idea!

Sorry about the huge spaces between sentences. I just wanted to make my post look long.

Guide to being Street Smart

I read on the newspaper the other day about some guy who worked late and got robbed in a ghetto area of the town. The police then gave handy tips on how to stay safe on the streets like screaming and running etc,etc. Well i think the ideas are stupid as running away screaming like a girl (taken that you are a guy) would only make the assailant more pissed and want to kick your ass. So forget about police advice, follow happyhobo's tips in being street smart and you'd never have to worry about personnel safety again.

Obviously, to avoid getting thugged, you must look and act like a thug and or gangster. Who's ever heard of terrorists blowing up other terrorists? Point proven. Looking like a thug takes a long time to perfect unless your a teenage kid who's been exposed to MTV all your life.

First and foremost is to change the way you talk. DO NOT USE correct grammar and proper English. Depending on what type of thug you want to portray, see example below:

General Thug

DO NOT SPEAK LIKE THIS: Can you please pass me all your monetary notes, and any other things of general value before i stab you with this sharp instrument i am holding. This is so i may finance the cash deficit my business is experiencing?

SPEAK LIKE THIS: Ya f%$# give me da money stuff before i skewer your ass.

Next is to make an appearance change. ditch the business suite and/or designer brand clothes.

Instead, buy clothes 5 times your size. This is especially important if your a guy as baggy pants signify conventional pants cannot fit your "package". Try to acquire weapons such as knives or guns. If said weapons are too expensive for you, then water guns work just fine. One must also look shiny in order to blend in(this is known as bling). Wear as much shiny things as possible so when sunlight hits you, everyone within 5 metres becomes blind.

Acting is also very important in not getting mugged. When walking down the street, try to high five everyone. If your not of a ethnic minority, feel free to give racist tags to everyone around you because its fine-your a ghetto gangster now.

If however none of the above work and you are still getting mugged, dress like an Australian with accent and everything. Also carry a real huge knife. When your about to get mugged, pull out your knife and say "this is a real knife"

Funny pics i found

Quality healthcare

Caption: PORN!!!

Well the world's not going to end. The article was a year old. How'd it end up on current news? blame it on google.

Anyways onto more recent news-today i had to go see the doctor about my brain(i told you I'm crazy) . I walk into the doctors office and he asks me "how am i doing". Well excuse the obvious but if i was well, i wouldn't be here. I mutter a polite good and the normal pleasantries are exchanged. The good doctor then takes out my file and explains to me something in my brain is whacked. However he uses complex scientific terms like maribus petulla and something about a Pilate?(is he asking me to dress in tights and stretch?). I look at him , a drop of saliva hanging by my mouth. He realises his 160+ IQ does not match my 41- IQ so he explains that i need to get a CRT scan done.(Basically microwaving your head). I nod enthusiastically as the last time i had something checked out by a specialist, it was a really really pleasant.

(*flashback)

By pleasant i mean i had to go see a nurse for my health checkup, i enter a room to find a HOT nurse standing there. This hot is the equivalent to a porn star hot for those of you who have watched nurse porn.. Well the checkup is going nicely till she gets out those latex gloves and does the customary pull thingie to make sure its on tight. I say "no no no way" but she says relax and pulls my pants to feel my nether regions. Nothing happened OK? I was disappointed but this is a real story and not a dream!

Back to present times. So i go to the lab for my CRT scan to be greeted by another nurse. She was petite and when she saw me she was looking sideways. i thought awww how cute, she is shy and avoiding eye contact. She told me i needed to have a needle injection. So she preps me up. that's when i realised, she wasn't shy! She was cockeyed. When she looked at me she looked to the side, she was actually looking at me! CONFUSING? and now she's going to stick a needle into me. Poor aiming don't apply as she stufffed up and blood started spurting out. Well fast forward and I'm still alive albeit for a massive bruise from where i took the needle and bruised ego from trying to make eye contact.

Malpractice lawsuit anyone?

End of the world!!!!!

Caption: RAWWWR im hungry and i want to eat the earth !!

According to a article written by a notable newspaper. A group of scientist are planning to build a black hole within earth with some super duper machine from the future. That was the non scientific explanation. If you wanted that even simpler, it means:

WE ARE F$#%ed!

The scientist prepare to recreate the big bang with a mini black hole but other scientists argue that the black whole can grow bigger and eat the whole earth inside out! That means in nine days when they do the experiment-the world could end! Talk about a crappy way to end humanity! Rather than asteroid collision or alien invasion, mankind becomes extinct because a bunch of nerds forgot to add h2O to the equation.

So what now? In nine days, the world could very much end. What to do in nine days to make up for a lifetime? Well first on my list is obviously to get laid. Even god would laugh at me if i make it up to heaven a virgin! Next, i am going to eat as much chocolate and ice cream as possible(better hope the world does end!). Finally i guess i would want to sleep a lot too. Some people say you can sleep all you want when your dead but when your dead and you wake up, do you get morning wood? That's right, I thought no.

Well fellow readers, i guess this could be my final post! I want to say i love you guys...alot....in a sexual way.....only if your female though..... Stay tuned for more info?

Magibon MRirian

New work at home opportunities! Are you attractive? Are you cute looking? Are you ready to be the sexual fantasy of middle aged men,pedophiles and serial killers? Tired of all those scam work at home offers? Look no further, here at happyhobo's blog, we have found the ultimate way in making a stream of income, supporting your family while even allowing you to make 10000 figure income all in the comfort of your own home. Its called vblogging! Just like the video above.

All of the above sound too good to be true? Who cares! All you need is

1. A web cam

2.A computer

3.cute looking face

4.Internet access

5.Pussy power

Watch as thousands of horny adolescents and middle aged males flock to just watch you-that's right, all you have to do is look into the web cam-that's it! Not only do you gain income, you gain stalkers too! your very own fan base!!!!!!!

Testimonial 1

My name is Bridget, i used to give fellatio in order to provide for my 300 kids, now all i do is look into a webcam and get paid! Some group called Snuff Shows even asked me to perform in their upcoming event.

Testimonial 2

Hi guys! happyhobos work at home has changed my life! Im a transsexual and neither sexes would touch me. Now, i get the attention of thousands of males as they see my beautiful face. On the Internet, I'm known as Hotpussy Neversayno but little do they know im pre op-:)

Note: This is not a real advertisement obviously. However, if you are looking to get scammed, please proceed to the donation page.

Delicious Cooking recipes for family

This post will not teach you how to cook your family. Apologies. This post will however reveal a few secrets in the art of cooking a delicious meal fit for a fat food taster.

Are you sick of the husband that is late for dinner because of "work"? Bored with conventional sandwich lunches? Want something different-below is three delicious recipes sure to get your taste buds crazy!

Recipe one-Exquisite Chocolate desert topped with delicious crusty bread
Make your mouth water?
Ingredients

1. Mars bar or any chocolate bar
2. Two slices of white bread

Instructions

1. Squish chocolate bar between sandwich.

2. Microwave.

3. enjoy melted heaven.

4. Leave our parents basement and learn to cook.

Recipe two-Crispy Spiced duck/pigeon with white rice
Ingredients

1. Bait to capture wild pigeon/duck

2. Capture wild duck or pigeon-the wilder the better-if it contains SARS even better-more flavour you can see!

3. Flour

4.Wasabi

5. Toilet water

6.Sugar

Instructions

1. Notice there is a live/dead bird in front of you. If dead jump to 3.

2. Scream that there is a live bird flapping around your kitchen.

3. Run to butcher to buy chicken breasts.

4. Add layer of wasabi onto breast. Wrap in foil. this is to preserve the moist of a delicious chicken tender. Put into microwave.

5. Dip bits and pieces of flour into toilet water and voila!- homemade rice. it would help if previously you ate real rice and used the toilet. This will ensure your homemade rice retains the beautiful flavours.

6. Taste your creation.

6.5 Order Chinese takeaway or go to hospital.

Recipe three-Braised mushrooms and leek soup

Ingredients

1. Funny coloured mushrooms that are growing in the abandoned house

2.Never heard of leek? its OK-leek is the water that is leaking from the tap. Collect that.

3. Braised? never heard of either, Just ignore that bit.

Instructions

1. Mix funny coloured mushrooms with leek. You can also use the mushrooms your local drug dealer is offering you.

2. Cook with love

3. Get arrested for drug procession or start seeing leprechauns

4. Apply for master chef.

DISCLAIMER(the author of these recipes is definitely not a real sane human let alone a chef so the above recipes ARE NOT safe for human consumption. However if you suffer from constipation..............go watch some South Park.)