Rants from worlds smartest monkey

Last Rant

2010-12-03T21:34:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, like all good things in this world, this blog must come to an end. This will be my last blog post on Rants From Worlds Smartest Monkey. Please do not cry, your making it worse. I am unable to continue ranting as i have been diagnosed with .................... Vaginal Rash. I was surprised too when the indian doctor said it, he said it quite quick so at first i assumed he was calling me Vajay Raj but alas it was not so. Now i have to live with the ugly burden of having vaginal rash. Since vaginal rash prevents me from typing sentences as i have to constantly scratch, my blog has been ended with a career ending injury.

To all the readers that stuck with me through the good times and the bad times, I thank you. Now to the future. What will happen to happyhobo now? Will he find a job? Will he become rich? Will he cure his vaginal rash? Find out in the next episode of "The young and the happyhobo"

tips on life

2010-10-06T01:11:00.000-07:00

Listen civilian, heres a tip to help you save money.

When your buying items from a small business. Try to chat up the owner, if you do so, the owner is likely to give you a discount.

Also, my boner for you is instant.

Prostitute Experience

2010-09-03T02:29:00.000-07:00

I cheated on my hand last night. To celebrate a special event, me and my friend headed to a brothel to get some sticky yicky. We arrived at the place of pleasure around dinner time and got buzzed in. As soon as we walked in, standing in front of us was a huge FUCKING gorilla aka bouncer. Business wise, why would you put a alpha male animal to greet people? There goes all my sex drive. A lady emerged from behind him to greet us-old and too much obvious makeup. She leads us into a viewing room. There was hardcore porn playing in front of us and we sat around waiting for the ladies. It was awkward because I did not want to get a boner before i saw real boobies. The old lady asked if i wanted anything to drink and i made a lame joke about just being here to do my job. Laughs all around albeit awkward. The lineup comes and the girls greet us individually. Its really freaking dark in the viewing room and i can see shit. So i choose this tight looking girl. We pay up and are led into the rooms.

She tells me i must pass penis exam, she looks at my dick and tries to spot any stds. Like "finding wally" only its called finding red dots. PASS. So she tells me to shower and she will get ready. This room is even darker than the viewing room and i literally have to strain to look around. I wash my asscrack in the shower and wait for her on the bed. She comes back with some condoms and lubricant. We start chatting bullshit and shes asks me if i want massage first then sex or sex first then massage. I tell her massage first since i want to chillax so i lie down on my back. She takes off her clothes to expose firm breasts and neat looking vagina; kinda like buzz cut haircut. Puts all this lubricant on me and rubs me up. I instantly think of that scene in year one where Cera is massaging oil onto that gay priest. Feels good man.

Shes asks me if im ready? "Since the first day i was born". She slips on a condom and made sure it stuck on properly. She makes a joke about not wanting kids with me. Well fuck, your a prostitute so your not exactly prime genetic material either. The session begins with blowing me even though i cant feel shit since the condom is on pretty tight and cutting off blood flow. I got the urge to tell my sex ed teacher to fuck himself because wearing a condom SUCKS ANUS BALLS yet its still better than dying of aids. I tell her to stop and get ready. I lie down and she inserts herself onto me. Once again i cant feel shit. We rides me but you can probably get more energy and enthusiasm from a dead horse. Do i need to mention I CANT FEEL SHIT. Im not cumming and i told her make me cum. She shares some inside whore knowledge that men can cum quickly doggy style. So i do her doggy style. My thingies falls out and since i cant feel shit i cant tell whether its in or not, that compounded with low light made me rage pretty hard. Sex is pretty tiring. One of my legs start cramping; you can see in the mirror one muscle tensing up. No joke, its a weird sensation trying to orgasm yet your leg is in spasm pain. We change postions. I ask her if i can lick her "breasts".I wanted to say titties but didnt want it to sound degrading. Mmmm tastes just like milk. Still no good and we root for 10 more minutes. I cant feel shit. In the end, I had to use my special technique to jizz.

Being the biggest tightarse on earth, I use the remaining time for another massage. I shower and dress and head out into the night's breeze.

Overall id rate the experience
Fun-8/10
Pleasure-4/10
Vision and feeling-0/10

Now i feel dirty.

Deep Philosophical Thinking

2010-08-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

So we live in a materialist society, everyone wants RICHES! MONEY! WEALTH!. What happens at the end? We all die and leave this world the same way we came ie-not going backing into your mothers vagina but leaving without any processions. So what is the point of working? What is the point of earning all this money and then buying a house and buy this and that. Buy memories, buy happiness, buy a kangaroo. What will make one happy? Shit i should stop eating those wild mushrooms that grow on the side of the park....................

To a lighter side, recently, I have been trying to get fired from my job. I AM FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT. Fat people come in asking what is the best way to lose weight using the easiest machine. Well I have news for you - YOUR A FAT CUNT. IF YOU EAT MCDONALD BURGERS EVERYDAY AND THEN EXPECT TO LOSE WEIGHT WITHOUT ANY EFFORT; YOUR FUCKING DREAMING. ALSO, WHEN I AM PACKING UP, DONT FUCKING SOME IN AND START ASKING QUESTIONS. CAN YOU NOT TELL ITS FUCKING CLOSING TIME.I HAVE WORKED THE WHOLE FUCKING DAY AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS LEAVE THIS SHITHOLE. THINK OF IT LIKE THIS, IF YOU WERE TAKING A SHIT AND AT THE END AS YOUR GRABBING TOILET PAPER I COME IN AND TELL YOU TO KEEP ON SHITTING, HOW WOULD THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

Thats it for now.

2010-07-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time

in a land far far away

there lived a old man

who was a farmer

he toiled and labored all day

but never made much money

one day a traveller passed by

and asked if he could stay the night

the farmer agreed since he was a nice chap

that night

the farmer asked the traveller what he did for a living

and the traveler told him

" i look for diamonds"

the traveller told the old man all about the business

the old man found out it was a highly profitable business

and that there was lots of money to be made

so the next day after the traveler had left

the old man put his farm for sale

he moved out of his farm and sold the farm to a peasant who had holes in his socks

years passed

and after 10 years searching for diamonds

the old man never found any

one day

he went back to his old farm

and was surprised that there was a mansion built on the farm

the old man knocked on the door

and was greeted by the peasant

now dressed in a suit and wearing diamonds

the old man was puzzled

he asked you did you make so much money?

and the peasant replied

i found diamonds on this farm

the end

...................

Bros

2010-06-28T02:53:00.000-07:00

So today I met an old acquaintance of mine and having not seen him for a long time i presented my hand in an effort to make a friendly gesture. What occurred next is the reason why we cannot have nice things. I'll describe him-White male 31 years old. I extended my hand preparing for a man shake but as my hand met his, he pulled back so only our fingers were touching. Please relax you are not reading erotic literature. The handshake then became one of those gangster handshakes..

What has our society come to, are we not able to make a normal handshake? The handshake became very awkward as he did his finger clicking and slapping my hand. I did not know how this primitive form of handshaking works but apparently this is how men shake hands. If observed from faraway, one might think that we are playing hand clapping games. Next time if you cannot shake a hand like a man, I will commit acts that are illegal in certain parts of this planet.

Another thing that really bags my nuts is when people call me bro or cuz. I am not your relative.You did not come out of my mothers/auntie's vagina. Please do not call me bro. Ok ho? you know yo. Sorry..... The best cure to anything is prevention. So one must identify a bro therefore able to avoid a bro. Bro's share common fashion traits as well as behaviour. Common signs you may be interacting with a bro includes:
# Upturned collars for purposes other than sun protection.
# Enough cologone to drown a household pet.
# Cannot talk in constructive sentences and ending words prematurely.

These three signs are the major ones...watch out!

EGG EGG EGG

2010-06-01T21:44:00.001-07:00

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Blog update

2010-05-21T16:58:00.000-07:00

Been busy so i apologise for the long delay in posting. Anyways got a new job selling fitness equipment at a shopping mall. My duties involve getting peoples attention as they are walking by and then making them purchase fitness equipment that they will probably use once and then let it gather dust.

I work next to a female fashion boutique, so that means i have to listen to corny love songs 8 hours a day. Lately however, they are doing a Justing Breiber promotion so that means I have to listen to that fag sing 8 hours a day. Its like listning to a constipated transexual.

There are many methods we use to gather peoples attention. One of this is standing on a vibration platform where very single piece of your body jiggles. When people ask me what i do, i tell them i jiggle my ass for a living.

Going to attend a company dinner tonight, not looking forward to the faggotry that I will have to partake in.

How to Survive a shootout.

2010-04-16T00:39:00.000-07:00

Second Amendment = right to bear arms = you,me,angry korean kid, Rambo can all get a gun. What happens if Rambo has a "senior moment" or flashback? If you are in a situation such as this, or live in a dangerous neighborhood, follow my guide to ensure you dont make the casulty report on the 6'oclock news. Despite the odds of it happening, better safe then sorry. Remember, your no good if your riddled with holes.

Step 1 Get low,"shawty had dem apply body jeans, boots with the fur...." if you get low, there is less surface area for a bullet to hit. Remember this song when you are running since Rappers are professional bullet dodgers.
Step 2 If you are running, run like Forrest Gump. Don't look back. If the gunmen is at long range, ducking as you run or zig zagging can lessen the chance of being shot.

Step 3 Seek solid cover if gunman is in vicinity. Call police as soon as possible-Dont try to be a hero.

"Every hero i know is dead."

Step 4 You can also hide in a room and lock the door. Try to also bar the door with furniture if possible. It will be useful if the room has a window that you can jump out off should the need arise. While waiting in room do the chicken dance.

Step 5 You can play dead. However if you see the shooter shooting bodies on the floor, playing dead can make you dead.
Step 6 The most efficient way to dodge bullets is to make sci fi music whoosh noises and do matrix style body movements. 99 percent chance of dodging bullets. Ensure your wearing sunglasses too.

Blog Critic

2010-04-08T00:44:00.000-07:00

So doing a google scan today I discovered my blog has been critiqued on a website called dozenblogs.com. I don't take critique very well so in true critique fashion I will do a website review on their website.

It's hard to choose the worst of all the blog ranking websites out there but we went by category and this one we feel falls best under the category"When your a poofter and you feel the need to make an opinion that no one gives a fuck about except the person you are criticizing who is mentally unstable and may hunt you down and kick your ass.".

website address: http://www.dozenblogs.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=863&catid=47

Innovation 1/10
Not very special. Just another blog ranking website. Not original idea. We're so bored we're turning pitch black.This website is boring and half if it makes too much sense but no one gives a fuck. It's copycat websites like this that make us believe that websites should be a privilege and not a right.

Navigation: 1/10
There's too much to navigate here and the site is cluttered with spam so points for that. It literally feels like you're looking at a sunken ship except there is spam all over it and a twitter logo that is burnt to your eye. If you enjoy looking at sunken ships, then this website is perfect for your intellectual advancement.

Profile: -5/10
Hot or not? There is a youtube video embedded onto the site with a presenter who i presume is the owner. The owner looks like a dirty person, and the video is obviously amateur; made with no professionalism despite its obvious intent. Sticky taping the "sign content is king" proves that the owner ripped off someone else's catchphrase to supplement his/her/it own greed.

LoL Factor: 2/10
If you stare at the twitter logo that follows your screen for awhile. You may start laughing.

Weird Factor: 0/10
"But not weird in a funny way - weird in a pathetic way."
As quoted from website-is he making fun of people who are weird? weird people are people too you heartless sizzledick.

Social Options: 0/10
He has dozens of friends I'm sure. Everything is organized into dozens. All his website reviews are dozen numerical wise. Pathetic weird.

Fun Factor: 0/10
Follow these steps to ensure maximum fun
1:Start Blog
2. Get rated
3.Take owner to court for defamation and being a ugly cunt
4.Enjoy benefits

Multimedia Options:0/10
So much colours is likely to freeze older computers and induce epilepsy on innocent people.

Overall rated a floppy website-like that of a old man. Thank you have a great day.

Happy hobo's guide to the World- Afghanistan

2010-04-05T01:01:00.000-07:00

~~Egypt is a beautiful~~ Originally the world tour was meant to stop at Egypt but Egypt is full of sand, mummies and camel lovers(sexually?) so none of you would be interested in that right? Instead we skipped to a much more interesting country-Afghanistan!

Bombed back to the Middle Ages by America during World War 5. Afghanistan is home to that guy that wears Man Bikinis. What was his name? Borat that’s it! Very nice high five...you just read that in his voice. There is a war going on now so fashion in Afghanistan has changed over the years. Bullet proof vests act as formal casual wear while strapped on bombs are perfect for your birthday party!

There are no forms of communication in Afghanistan as the last phone tower just got deleted by a Air to Ground missile therefore Afghans rely on magic carpets to visit one another. Afghans also invented the 55 dollar hookah. Unfortunately there are no women on earth that would have sex with YOU for 55 dollars so they invented this tube to smoke shit out of with the same name so you can feel better about yourself.

Afghans look like a product of a ethnic gangbang. Asian, Russian,Indian and Martian bloodlines seem to have mixed with Afghan bloodline resulting in what all humans will probably look like in the future. On the subject of sexuality, since there is a surplus of weapons around, missle heads and rpgs are regularly used as sex toys.

There is a way to see Afghanistan for free! Air ticket, lodging and board all provided for! Join the ARMY!*

*terms and conditions apply, may lose limbs or life, no raincheck.

Next time on Happyhobo's guide to the world- Russia!

Vegetarian Debate

2010-03-29T23:28:00.000-07:00

Today, the most epic battle between man and man was fought. The history of mankind will never be the same again after my debate with my inbred retard friend. The debate was over-"is an egg meat?"

My friend’s girlfriend’s sister is a vegetarian but she eats eggs based on the concept that an egg is not meat (not fertilised) and that she is just eating the chicken's period. My debate was that the yolk is an embryo that has potential to become a chicken and she is consuming meat so she is a sick fuck like the rest of us. Face it; we love a freshly cooked chicken embryo when we wake up in the morning mixed with some cow ribs. What a way to start the day!

Now that we are on vegans, first of all, All the people of homosexual origins who don't eat meat and cry when people say "your a vegan" when you specify "I'm a a vegetarian and there is a difference"; here is a simple solution to avoid confusion, why don't you just call yourself a fagot?.

Eating vegetables is scientifically proven to turn one into a homosexual with bad body odour and rainbow coloured poo. Back in the Vietnam War when soldiers were stranded in the middle of the mountain with no source of food-who came back as a war veteran? Not the hippies. It was the guys that cannibalised and therefore survived.

Ben Grylls or other survival expert never eat grass. His always eating animal carcasses and insects so it is obvious that vegan’s is pure bullshit invented by homosexuals that had small assholes and couldn't take a penis in their ass so they resorted to eating vegetables as a way to gain attention and receive acceptance from their peers.

Now go to your nearest farm and take a bite out of a pig,horse or farmers daughter dammit.

Freeballing

2010-03-24T03:04:00.000-07:00

Today was quite an uneventful day. On the way to work, on the train. Sitting opposite me was a man with his zipper undone and his balls hanging out. At first glance, i could not identify what it was between his white pants but upon closer inspection, i was scarred for life and public transport. I do not know what event in this world would entice one to let their balls hang out. Could it be public nudity? If so, why was his penis not hanging out? Just the two sacs of lovejuice. Could it have been an accident? It would be folly to not feel your testicles clamped by a zipper. So that made me question what was this man's motives?

Why would one just let their family jewels dangle? Freeballing i believe is the testicle i mean technical term but this guy has taken it to new levels. Apparently this guy was too cool for underwear. Anyways, next time you sit on a public train or bus seat.Remember, one man's sweaty balls was there before you.

Spasm

2010-03-24T02:50:00.000-07:00

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aasdaduhgqiuegqwiuehgqwjkbeqakedj asjkdhjkashdjkasd kasdbsjkabdasjkdb aksjdbkasjbdkasjdbaskj asasd
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the end

To the beautiful girl i saw today.....

2010-03-16T01:55:00.000-07:00

Dear beautiful stranger,

I have seen you many times though I doubt you see me. You walked past me today and my nut sacks dropped to the floor. We caught the same train today but you never looked once at me. Why are you so beautiful? Why is it every time I see you, something in my hearts pulls at me? I know it’s not a heart condition because I went to see the doctor and he told me I was lovesick. I still doubt the doctor’s abilities because he looked pretty shifty. Your big beautiful eyes look like stars that dropped from the night sky. (Where else would they drop from?). Roses must be afraid to bloom in the presence of your lips. You hair, what type of conditioner do you use because it looks silky like the mane of a horse?-which is a good thing. Your aura like that of an angel. I feel like I'm alive when I see you so that means I must be dead beforehand, I guess what I’m trying to say is you turn me into a zombie.

Love is such a mysterious thing, I see beautiful girls everyday yet your effect cannot be described by my words, oh what can i say?. Did cupid really shoot me with an arrow. Because it must have hit my right ass cheek- its been quite sore for some time.

Will we one day meet again? And talk like old friends. Or am I doomed to forever be a ghost, drifting past you? If that does happen, please call Ghostbusters. So beautiful stranger; stop one day, and look into the eyes of a stranger. Maybe I'm a stranger, but we don't have to be......

Party like a rockstar

2010-03-12T00:43:00.000-08:00

Last night, i was released back into the wild. Heres how the night went:

I had dinner early, ate some fried food in preperation for the alcohol im about to consume. Wasn't very eventful, waiting for friend to call me. Watched Simpsons Movie. At 9.30 friend rings, so i go to his car and we head to the nearest bottle shop which was in the ghettos. Buy some french vodka-i didnt know french people drank man drinks.... Anyways we picked up my friends friend, he got munchies so we got some burgers. Then off to the club where our dreams will come true!!!.

Being tightarses, we drank the vodka inside the car. 36 standard drinks shared between me and buddy in less than half hour. Immediately after 5 minutes alcohol takes effect and fat girls walking past became "America's next top model." I was 1/78th sober so i suggested we get some harpoons so we can catch these whales(very logical). Start singing random songs to random strangers. Chit chat two ladies. Head into club. I danced like mc hammer to rock music and was grinding onto all types of chicks. Black out(i don't remember anything). Come to talking to two girls outside. About to pickup then friend start vomiting. Night over because bouncer kick our ass. Thanks god for your crafty cockblocks :).

Anyways thought i'd share that with you guys.

Shaving the mane off the Lion

2010-02-24T00:26:00.000-08:00

I have done it, "I cut the mane off the lion", "deforested the amazon".My lucious pubes have all been shaved off. Now my penor looks like a monk. I gotta say, there are many advantages to shaving my pubes which i will outline below.

1. Increased visual penis size: shaving my pubes definately makes my penis look bigger. Increased ego.

2. Prevented a pubic revolution: Had i let my pubes continue growing, sooner or later my pubes would have overtaken and overthrown my penis. This is due to the fact that i have straight pubes. What has the world come to if penis hair is longer then the actual penis!

3. Save money on shampoo: When i wash my hair, i also wash my pubes to keep it in its own lucious glory. Now that its gone, i save money on shampoo. Wait, am i the only one that shampoos my pubes?

That is all. Very random but thought i'd let you guys know.........

Safe for work

2010-02-22T00:33:00.000-08:00

Use your imagination

Internet Adventure Last part

2010-02-12T02:01:00.000-08:00

So the end of the journey has arrived. the last bit is to email facebook username:redninjaman. He/it/she says that, well email redninjamanyou lazy bums and find out yourself. On a side note. New blog posts coming soon!

Internet Adventure Part 3

2010-02-08T00:57:00.000-08:00

Alright, the truth is nigh! I discovered the fetish in the picture was ninjas- was hoping to see boobies but severely let down (you had to highlight the picture in internet explorer). I just got this message after sending the email..

Congratulations Mr Hobo on finding the second clue. Your last clue lies in "Vietnam". Mirrors reveal what others cannot see. What has a penis and 2 testicles?

After you have discovered the last word, combine that with all three words discovered before to find the facebook username. Send me this message and i will reply to you:
"What are you playing?"

Happyhobo's guide to the world: China

2010-02-03T23:52:00.000-08:00

Set to become the next world superpower, China was formed when a giant chicken got squashed by god's almighty fist. China domination of the world is becoming more and more evident as Chinese restaurants are sprouting up everywhere- the military strategy for world domination is simple; feed the world lots of Chinese food, get everyone fat; therefore easier to shoot!

Instead of condoms, China has a one child policy which means if your child is "retarded or really short", you may have another "retarded or really short child" of equal value. However, you may not have 2 children of average quality. All these rules are made by China's communist government; Communist China means that even while taking a sh*t, it better look like Mao Ze Dong or else your branded a traitor to the motherland!!!

Pirates of the Caribbean look like pansies when compared to Chinese pirates. In China, everything has been pirated including your genitals. That means somewhere on an Asian market, there is a replica of your genitals-exact copy with all the warts and stranded pubes, and there is an Asian lady yelling CHEAP CHEAP next to it.

All famous landmarks, people, places are named in a very simple and efficient manner. One just drops the ring of keys and a name is generated. National past times of China include doing math, farming gold on online video games, doing kung fu and catching flies with chopsticks(not a urban myth).

If you read this sentence and everything above is blank, it means the communist government has censored this article and your a fag. Next time in happy hobo’s guide to the world -Egypt!

Internet Adventure part two

2010-01-30T00:10:00.000-08:00

The plot thickens! After replying with the answer (RED, you get it by searching up "find chuck norris" on google and then press im feeling lucky instead of search, the first sentence is red), i received this picture.

Hidden in this image

is hot fetish asian porn

only in internet explorerer you will find

the type of fetish it is, Name the fetish to continue!

My face at the prospect of free asian porn

Huzzah readers, we must find this asian porn!

Internet Adventure!

2010-01-25T22:03:00.000-08:00

Buckle up readers of Happyhobo's blog, your life just got a little more interesting. I received this email yesterday. It was emailed to me by an anonymous person-by that i mean anonymous@hotmail.com. Help me solve the puzzle!

Dear Happyhobo, you must help me!
My name is Gabriel, as i write this, i can hear them coming, I do not have much time. I have come to deliver this message but i fear our enemies will intercept this email. I know only you can help me and only you can find out the message. Scattered through the great world of the internet, i have left clues to what the message is. Please, figure it out and help me!

First Clue:
Your very first clue lies in finding Chuck Norris,
with the biggest search engine "google"
Do you feel lucky punk?
Tell me the colour of the first sentence.
Proceed with the answer for your next clue.

That is all he wrote. The next blog post I will figure it out as we unravel this mystery!

Raising a baby

2010-01-23T18:07:00.000-08:00

Follow SIMPLE instructions to avoid visit from child protection agency.

why I have not been blogging

2010-01-15T17:19:00.000-08:00

Dear readers, lately I have been extremely sloppy in adding blog posts. This is due to what I believe menopause. Lately I have been undergoing extreme menopause symptoms. To the shrinks out there, please help me diagnose my situation!

Possible reasons to why I am undergoing menopause at such young age

1. Career changes- I have undergone 3 career changes in the last 5 months. All of these careers are all performance based therefore adding lots of undue pressure. I have gone from sportsman to salesman and now to real estate. If I don't sell, I don't get paid. This is really not my fault since if my bosses weren’t such a cheapskate; I wouldn’t have to change jobs.

2. Bible cock blockage- I will admit it, I am experiencing sexual frustration. With work consuming most all my time, I have no social life. So unless I find a wife, I will not be able to have sex. If only love came in vending machines.....wait, the Japanese have that already right!

3. Freaking birds- Every morning at precisely sunrise, some freaking inbred thought it would be wise to construct a farm in the middle of his backyard (in the city) and breed a few chickens. The only chicken I want to see is those nuggets lying on a plate with sauce next to it. Coupled with a few crows that land on my tree and you can guess why I don't need an alarm.

These are reasons on why I can't blog posts as often. I know they are excuses and people in Africa and Iraq have to dodge bullets and genocide so they can blog post but hey I am very fragile ok?

New Years Resolution

2010-01-07T17:20:00.000-08:00

Here is a list of shit to do in the 2010. And its pronounced two thousand and ten; not 20 10 ok?

1. Remove dead thing stuck in gutters thats been stinking up the whole backyard.

2. Find belly button.

3. Get a real girlfriend thats not made up of five fingers and a palm.

4. Cut down on icecream consumption.

5. Take up a new habit instead of drinking.....maybe smoking?

6. Have healthy non retarded children.

7. Save up money for sex toys.

8. Learn to drive non video game style.

9. Have fun

10. Stay alive and don't get stabbed.

These are my new years resolution. Happy Hobo's blog is currently undergoing poor time management and will try his best to post new blog entries.

Aesops Fable

2010-01-01T23:35:00.000-08:00

I have edited well loved Aesop's fables from their original gay versions to a much more modern and interesting version by replacing some words. (Read original first on google)

Original: The ass and the grasshoppers
AN ASS having heard some Stoners chirping, was highly enchanted; and, desiring to possess the same charms of melody, demanded what sort of drug they smoked on to give them such beautiful voices. They replied, "The dew."(weed) The Ass resolved that he would live only upon weed, and in a short time died of hunger. Moral of story: don't be a stoner and get a job.

Original: The Wolf and the Lamb
Penis, meeting with a Vagina astray from the fold, resolved not to lay violent hands on her, but to find some plea to justify to the Vagina the Penis's right to eat her. He thus addressed her: "oh pissflaps, last year you grossly insulted me." "Indeed," bleated the Vagina in a mournful tone of voice, "I was not then born." Then said the Penis, "You feed in my pasture." "No, good sir," replied the Vagina, "I have not yet tasted grass." Again said the Penis, "You drink of my well." "No," exclaimed the Vagina, "I never yet drank water, for as yet my mother's milk is both food and drink to me." Upon which the Penis seized her and ate her up, saying, "Well! I won't remain supperless, even though you refute every one of my imputations." Moral of story: This is why rape happens-because it can.

Original: The lion in love
A Pimp demanded the daughter of a woodcutter in pimpage. The Father, unwilling to grant, and yet afraid to refuse his request, hit upon this expedient to rid himself of his importunities. He expressed his willingness to accept the pimp as the pimper of his daughter on one condition: that he should allow him to extract his ""bling bling", and cut off his "bitch slap" hand, as his daughter was fearfully afraid of both. The Pimp cheerfully assented to the proposal. But when the blingless, bitchslap hand free pimp returned to repeat his request, the Woodman, no longer afraid, set upon him with his ak47, and drove him away into the ghettos. Moral of story: Learn to bitch slap with both hands.

Happyhobo apologises for ruining classical literature.

Problems in life and how to deal with them: Lesson #1 The persistent boner

2009-12-29T15:17:00.000-08:00

I woke up in the middle of the night yesterday and couldn't go to sleep. I needed to pee but I had the most massive erection in the world. It was just there, hard as a rock, immobile. I tried everything I could to get it down- I thought about gore, animals, teletubbies and war; but no matter how hard I tried, the boner would not subside. Hitting critical point I made my way to the toilet in an attempt to complete a feat no man has successfully accomplished yet-peeing with a boner without wasting a drop.

I knew standing in an upright position would not allow me to successfully complete the mission so I thought about sitting on the toilet and peeing like women. Unfortunately my penis would not fit in the toilet. The shower suddenly looked very tempting but cleaning afterwards would not be fun and I might miss a spot. So I did the only thing left in my list of option. I bent down push up style and peed. SUCCESS! The position was at the perfect angle of elevation in comparison to my penis. This meant the degree in which the piss entered the toilet ensured no drops fell victim to gravity and missed. That fellow reader is how you pee with a boner.
PROBLEM SOLVED!

My comic

2009-12-23T16:38:00.001-08:00

Happyhobo's Guide to the World: United States Of America

2009-12-21T01:52:00.000-08:00

Discovered by Columbians who were searching for some spicy Indian food after getting the munchies, they discovered the United States were full of Indians. These Indians built the Taj Mahal in what is now New York. Rich in culture and theology, the Indians in America now drive all the taxis or run 7/11 stores.

United States is famous for its fine cuisine. A typical American meal consists of lard fried in more lard dipped in fat and cholesterol topped off with some coronary blockage. Only in America can you order a large cheeseburger, fries and a DIET coke. Americans pride in keeping in shape and that is why road speed limits are set at low standards as cars are unable to travel any faster carrying American weight.

All Americans are delivered from the womb carrying 15 rounds of ammo and either a shotgun or a machine gun depending on how big their mother is. The first amendment states that all Americans must be able to shoot terrorists even when intoxicated or under the influence. That is the law and Americans love obeying the law.

America spawned the biggest movie industry in the world called Bollywood. America also spawned many big things like big food, big toilets, and sports for big people. American Football is the only sport where "big" people can excel excluding golf since golf isn’t a sport. Americans also like to drive big trucks and then complain about gas prices.

American education revolves around everything about them. That is why America shortened the name to just "US" as the world is just about America. All Americans have to care about learning is American knowledge; that’s it. Anything else is deemed terrorist propaganda.

Quick facts about America

1. In America, a pizza is delivered faster than an Ambulance call.

2. In America, there are more fat people than there are people.

3. Americans favourite show is Funniest Home Videos and that just consists of an hour of people getting their balls kicked or getting hurt. Quality entertainment!

4. 60% of Americans don't know the sun is a star.

5. 50% can't find America on the globe.

There you go. Currently a world superpower. Says a lot about humanity doesn't it. Next time in happyhobo's guide to the world: China!

Letter to Santa

2009-12-16T14:33:00.000-08:00

Since Christmas is about to begin, Happy Hobo has decided to write a letter to Santa in hopes of getting nice presents for this year.
Dear Santa,
How are you? We haven't spoke for a year and I tried adding you on facebook but you never replied. Anyways, I would just like you to know I have behaved very very well this year. I didn't look at any boobie pictures, stopped touching myself and studied so hard I got all C's at school! I even volunteered to help an elderly person which is saying a lot since I'm scared of old people.

I must say I was slightly disappointed last year when I was hoping for a brand new Porsche and naked women as presents but got a pair of socks and a tie. That’s ok, this year I've worked even harder than last year. I even managed to get some special ingredients for the brownies and cookies I'm planning to cook for you from a Jamaican guy on the streets. Unfortunately, I won't be able to supply milk since I'm lactose intolerant so I'll just leave a carton of beer for you.
Well, this year, I guess this is my wish list. Please don't disappoint me.

Happy hobo’s wish list

1. Angry Angus Burger

2. A real girlfriend

3. An intergalactic LOW space orbit ion cannon

4. Cherry flavoured condoms

5. For my dog to stop having AIDS.

6. A new Michael Jackson song.

That is all. I've made renovations on my house by installing a Chimney just for you. Hope to see you soon!

Love XOXOXOXOXOXO
Happy hobo

Happy Hobo's eating Achievements.

2009-12-02T02:16:00.000-08:00

The day has come where we sum up all HappyHobo's eating achievements in one blog post. Be prepared to be wowed and amazed at the amazing eating abilities of HappyHobo!

Most Burgers Eaten In One Sitting:
6 burgers- 2 Double layered Cheeseburgers plus four normal cheeseburgers. Ate dinner at 6 that night but got hungry after watching 300 at 8 and went on to consume 6 burgers plus a coke and a packet of chips. Heart attack here I come.

Most Pizza Consumed in One Sitting.
1 large Papa John's pizza by myself. Just to give international readers a idea of how big an American pizza is. The large Pizza in Australia is only considered a medium pizza in the US. Reason i consumed it was not out of hunger but because a fagot friend of mine got a misplaced order and didn't get his pizza so everyone gave him a slice. I didn't because I am a cheap ass and wanted to teach him a lesson so i consumed it all just to not look bad.

Most constipated diet
When I was working at a camp, we just got fed carbohydrates to keep us fed and full instead of providing nutrients. So as you can imagine, we went into labour and anal hemorrhaging everyday at 7am.

Favourite Place to Eat
I perform best in Chinese buffets eating an average of 3-4 full plates and the maximum being 5 plates. The secret is to not eat the fried food at the start in order to maximise stomach storage and don't drink water as fried food + water = expansion.

Most food consumed in one sitting
Consumption is as follows:
2 large bowls of rice.
1 bowl of dumpling
5 chicken drumsticks
1/4 kg of various meats
2 plates of vegetables
i cereal bowl of icecream
1 plate of desert.

Need to use toilet now. Catch yall later...........

Happyhobo's Guide to the World: Korea

2009-11-30T01:53:00.000-08:00

Being an educational blog, Happyhobo will teach you about the countries that make up our world. The first country on the list is none other than Korea!

North Korea

North Korea is located north of South Korea. Its also home to Kim Jong IL who is known for his advertisements in hair products and also running the country though mainly for the hair. The Capital Pyongyang (means vagina in Korean) is a huge metropolis. North Korea opposes global warming so during night time, the good citizens of North Korea turn of their lights in an attempt to save penguins in Antarctica. Recently, North Korea have developed a nuclear bomb and sticky taped it to a missle thus the name taepodong (taped penis). North Korea has only one industry in its economy-the glorification of Kim jong il. 99.9% of the population is employed in this industry which involves building great statues of kim Jon Il and waving colourful flags. During World War 3, North Korea bombed a place called Pearl harbor causing the Australians to retaliate. Recently, North Korea agreed to abandon its nuclear program if America gives it candy.
South Korea

Unlike their brothers from North Korea, South Korea came into existence when the Berlin War was built thus seperating the two into different countries. South Korea is more modernised then North Korea. Its national sport is Starcraft and military strategies are developed according to Starcraft. Excellent military strategist from South korea are hired by countries all over the world. South Korea like America's own South is where all the hillbillies and rednecks are. These people are know as Samurais. Samurai's spend their days using swords to fight each other instead of guns and eating alot so they can get fat and wrestle each other. The national currency for South korea is Vespene Gas and Minerals. Contary to popular belief, kimchi is not a South Korean dish, rather its a Japanese dish. The real national dish of South Korea is kebabs.

The next logical step is to tell a fellow Korean you know all about their country! Coming up next time in Happyhobo's guide to the world: United States of America.

Masturbation For Guys 101

2009-11-21T13:42:00.000-08:00

Well, today readers, I will share with you enlightened knowledge. The art of masturbation (for a guy). Masturbation is a taboo subject but people don't know masturbation stops rape, aids and criminal behaviour. Having masturbated the majority of my life-I can call myself somewhat of an expert. Masturbation involves technique, timing and precise movements to achieve the ultimate goal. Since many people are doing it wrong and suffering penis damage-consider your penises saved after reading this post.
We begin with the basics. In order to masturbate-one must first be warmed up. To do this watch some porn or sniff some panties imported from Japan. When you finished warming up, you should be "in heat." This means your penis should be theoretically erect and warm. If penis is not in position; you’re warming up wrong.
SECRET TECHNIQUE-if your not warmed up adequately, consider stroking your nipples and pulling your balls. Penis should be at horizontal or above in height to your body. (90degrees). Use Pythagoras theorem to make sure. As a last resort, jump up and down and your penis should be boucing up and down. this helps get blood into your penis despite clogging problems you may be experiencing.

Here at Happyhobo's blog, we do not condone the use of legal substances for you to gain an unfair advantage so that means substances such as Viagra are frowned upon.

Now, progress by placing dominant hand over penis-similar to how one would hold a racquet. Grip strength should be around 80% of your maximum power. Move hand up to the shaft and then slide down while maintaining grip power. Repeat process at controlled speeds gradually increasing in speed until you reach orgasm. How to tell if you reached orgasm? When love juice is released. If you’re not releasing love juice, then show some more love.

I-masturbation black belt will now teach you advanced masturbation techniques. Who says the mission should be over after just ONE orgasm? SECRET TECHNIQUE-in order to achieve multiple orgasm, begin stimulation as soon as first orgasm is complete to make sure you don't lose your form after all that hard work warming up.(hold erection) Now, at the base of penis(where it connects to body) hold the two sides with your thumb and first finger(non-masturbating hand). When you’re ready to orgasm rub or press down the top of the base of penis. (The face that faces you and where pubic hair is). Orgasm number 2! If done correctly, one should be "shooting blanks" after a few orgasms. Note: Penis may twitch after consecutive orgasms but this is normal and it means it’s fatigued.

One more SECRET TECHNIQUE: to avoid ejaculation, press up on the area between the legs (underneath your balls) and surprise! (this practice may result in you needing a plumber)
Last SECRET TECHNIQUE: stand on your toes after first orgasm or unfurl your toes. then try to push your abdomen foreward. you should be able to come quicker.
Be wary of injuries though. Like athletics, professional masturbation requires one to outperform the bodies limitations. Injuries vary. One of my friends masturbated so much he started bleeding. Watch out for friction burns so apply lubricant when possible.
So now you know how to masturbate, what are you waiting for? Why are you still looking at this post????

My Job as a salesman

2009-11-14T13:32:00.000-08:00

Well, I just got a job-as a salesman. Job description- I get to walk around in searing heat "trying" to get people to buy wax. Sounds fun? (I'd rather stick to masturbating). Although I have to admit, this wax spray is pretty awesome. You can do so many things with it;-wash cars, clean windows, and self protection device, use it as a mild explosive device and sniffing it can probably get you high. Despite this, it’s still hard to try convincing people to part ways with their hard earn moolah.

On my first day on the job, I followed a top gun salesman and their team as we went around trying to get people to buy awesome wax. It’s a tough job, need a toilet break? May I introduce you to adult nappies? Angry people? Well I just use my wax spray as defence. The only good thing about this job is talking to different people. Some have big noses, others have thick moustaches (even some of the ladies) but every one of them is a dollar cow waiting to be milked kaching!(I've sold my soul haven't I?) Lunch break consisted of smoking cigarettes and checking how much I have sold. One guy smoked so much he had his own tobacco bag to save money and was rolling them himself. Every one of the salesman smoked so maybe it's a job perquisite? Once again I managed to attract awkward attention by getting sprayed in the face. Here I was holding the door for the salesman when the wind blew the spray into my face as he was giving a demonstration, involuntarily I swore and that sale obviously didn’t go very well. I’m surprised they even hired me.

I'm worried though since when I talk, sometimes spit flies out and if it does hit someone in the eye-whose going to pay compensation?

My Resume

2009-11-08T13:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Sir or Madam,
My name is Happy Hobo and would like to apply for whatever job you have on offer. Please find my attached resume and i look forward to hearing from you.

yours truly
Happy Hobo IIIVIII

Resume for HappyHobo

Name: Happy "Sparemesomechange" Hobo

Sex: never

Nationality: Jedi

Address: on the streets

Phone Number: 911

email: hotmale@hotmail.com

Objective:
To become Overlord of the Galaxy.

Education and training:

2000-2006- Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft

2006-2010- University Of Harvard Princeton New York (Location: India)

- Major: League Baseball

-Minor: Only had one DUI and "one minor" infringency for public indecency.

Working Experience:
Last Week: Self Employed

Duties included patting myself on the back and giving myself pay rises.

Some time last month: Shop Assistant
Responsibilities included checking customers out.

A long time ago: Took a career break to mourn the loss my favourite pair of socks.

I can't remember if i did this job or not.
Duties include checking old people to see if they have died or not. Cleaning vegetable people.

Skills:

Attention to detail.
Attention to detail.
Can convince people for sexual favours.
I can type without looking at the keybard.
I have skills that will take your breath away.
Burp in rapid succession.

Special Achievements and awards:
I failed school with reasonable high grades.
I came 3rd out of a class of 4.

References:
God

Will this help me get the job?

Facts you must know

2009-11-01T13:37:00.001-08:00

Did you know
1. The word bed looks like a bed.

2. Racecar is the same word backwards.

3. The word shark looks like a shark.

4. "ok"-look from the side and its a stickman!

5. Hold your left thumb at the fingernails for 10 seconds. Then put it into your throat. There will be no gag reflex.

6. You cannot move your head back and forthe with your mouth open.(look in the mirror).

8. The word "silent" is made up of the same letters as listen.

8. The Bible makes no mention of Adam and Eve eating an apple.

9. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

10. Number 7 on this list is a 8.

11. Save trees by pulling your ass cheeks to the side when pooping so you use less toilet paper.

12. Bite your upper lip to stop sneezing.

Don't you feel so wise?

Picture Game

2009-10-28T18:24:00.001-07:00

Are you guys up for a challenge? Below is a set of images. If you can get to the last image without laughing-you get a prize-a smug feeling you accomplished something today. Let the games begin!
Difficulty: Easy

Difficulty: Medium

Difficulty: Hard

Congratulations:If you reached here without laughing. you just won a smug feeling.

How to Kill flies with Mushrooms

2009-10-16T18:22:00.000-07:00

Here at Happyhobo's blog, we pride in being a educational blog too. So today readers, i will teach you a way to kill flies with mushrooms! Killing flies by swatting may be fun (if your a psycho or my grandma) but it can be time consuming and leave dirty entrails all over the place. Here is a way to kill flies effortlessly.

Things You'll Need:
Amanita muscaria and milk.

Instructions:

Step 1

Find a special type of mushroom called Amanita muscaria. Don't know what it is? Ask your local drug dealer or child and they can probably tell you. Amanita muscaria is a mushroom that gives you hallucinogen reactions if consumed(DRUGS ARE BAD),it is also the mushrooms that smurfs live in on TV.

Step 2
You can find these mushrooms growing nearly anywhere fungi can survive. Wood areas and damp tall grass are good places to find them!

Step 3
Grab a mushroom and cut it up into pieces. The smaller the better. Best if in sprinkle size.

Step 4
Sprinkle into milk or any liquid that attracts flies(your poop will also suffice).

Step 5
Watch flies commit suicide and DUI!

Step 6
Sweep up dead bodies.

Note:

Wash the knife unless you want to start seeing smurfs in real life! Obviously don't drink the milk unless (see above warning). If you are a child reading this drugs are bad mmmkay?

This WORKS! What is does is once the fly consumes the mushroom; it enters delirium and starts flying all over the place. They will fly into walls or windows knocking themselves out. They can also "pass out". Funny but true. I wonder what flies hallucinate.......

Cockblocked by a Dog

2009-10-16T01:25:00.001-07:00

Once again, life has proven that Happyhobo must remain virgin for the amusement of god.

So here i was, running up and down the hills for fitness and health (and partly because I'm crazy and have nothing to do....the things boredom does to you.); when this really pretty girl and her friend walks over and sit down to watch me run. Getting excited i made sure i flexed every muscle in my body to enhance my athletic physique including my eyeballs whilst trying to think up of a witty introduction and/or pickup line. It was an awfully windy day so my shirt was blowing up and down showing them my baby fat, but i was sure they were impressed, like in the movies when someone runs in slow motion and there is wind everywhere...

On my last lap, i prepare to man up and make conversation when out of the corner of my eye, i see this flash of white. I hear laboured breathing sounds, DEJAVU! "Roff roff rofff" screamed this freaking dogas it barked all over the place and tried to make advancements on my nuts. It ran in circles and started to slobber over my clothes. But then the most awful thing happened. I swear to god that the dog smiled at me when it made eye contact with me, then with the two girls. In my mind i screamed "nooooooooo" but it was too late. The target has been set. Its canine brain focused on one thing. COCK BLOCKAGE. I tried to distract it but the damn dog was unimpressed at my attempts at dog talk. It chased after the two girls and then the girls ran like crazy. That my friends, is the story of how one dog stopped one man from reaching one vagina.

So now you know why I'm still a virgin. From now on, every time i see a girl, i must make sure there are no dogs within my vicinity. You never know when they may strike but when they do........mans best friend my ass.

All about happyhobo 2

2009-10-12T15:40:00.001-07:00

When Happyhobo was born, his father had a dream that one day, Happyhobo would become a super famous sports star. No one cares about happy hobos dreams so since the infant years, Happyhobo has been training excessively to become a sports star. The only problem was Happyhobo has absolutely no motor skills and couldn't crawl as a kid. You'd think that not being able to crawl was a hint that Happyhobo shouldn't play sports but reality does not apply to Happyhobo's father.

Once when Happyhobo was in high school he learnt a very valuable lesson which he shall share with you. The story involves a boy named Malvin who bullied a younger boy. Now the younger boy had an older cousin who was pretty well connected called Ibrahim. Ibrahim was angry that Malvin bullied his younger cousin so with a bunch of boys, Ibrahim found Malvin and told him to apologise. Malvin believing that he was in the right side and ignoring the fact he was outnumbered 30 to 1 refused. Ibrahim gave him one last chance to apologise but since Malvin refused the first time, Ibrahim told him to get on his knees this time and say sorry. Once again Malvin refused. Then with extreme velocity Ibrahim swung his arm around and punched Malvin in the face. Malvin lost some teeth and now looks somewhat like Happyhobo. So the moral of this story is: if you have a big ego, you better have a big dental plan. Congratulations, you just wasted 2 minutes of your life listening to a useless story.

These last few years leading up to our current time, Happyhobo has been doing some travelling around the US where he has met some wonderful people and some not so wonderful people. These days, you will find Happyhobo not doing anything productive for humanity and talking in third person.

#happy hobo would like to thank his loyal readers(stalkers). Im also working on something new that will be unveiled soon!

All about happyhobo

2009-10-08T02:40:00.001-07:00

Now its getting personnal so readers, today, i will reveal all about me! But wait, why so serious? its no fun if i just give you the facts. Instead, I'm going to riddle this post with riddles so stalkers will have to go to extra effort to find me.

Happyhobo was born on the same day as Rachel Bilson from the OC.(only famous person i could find.) Happyhobo's dad was a electric technician who later proceeded to sue a condom company-this however is not relevant here OK? Happyhobo's mother was a ninja who is very good at math. The result of a electrician and a ninja spawned a Happyhobo as noted in Einstein's theory of "how to generate a Happyhobo".

Happyhobo moved to a new country where there are lots of dangerous cute animals such as the cuddly koala that really have deadly sharp claws and kangaroos. Due to the cuteness of kangaroos, Happyhobo in his youth thought it would be fun to approach one and feed it. The result was being chased by a kangaroo and getting kicked by something of the same height.

Since the tender age, Happyhobo always showed signs of being "different." The use of the word different is a kind analogy, using a more descriptive word-"stupid" would be more relevant. Once during a game of hide and seek, the opponent hid behind Happyhobo and chanted "come find me."Being the intelligent person happy hobo is,Happyhobo began a fruitless quest in finding a person hidden behind him never once bothering to look back.

Happyhobo was also scared of water. Happyhobo's father tried to man Happyhobo up and told Happyhobo a story about how he had learnt swimming.-"Son, when i was your age, somebody kicked me into a lake and i learnt how to swim." To this, happy hobo relied"i don't think he was trying to teach you how to swim...." Despite years of swimming lessons, Happyhobo never learnt how to swim until one day at the beach. A fin protruded from the water and the theme music from Jaws started playing. Panic everywhere but that didn't affect Happyhobo, because for now, Happyhobo was swimming faster than Michael Phelps.

To be continued........

Halloween Special

2009-10-07T19:19:00.000-07:00

Halloween is coming up! its time to dress up,stock up on candy and organise dental appointments. For pedophiles and serial killers, it means its time to refuel the van,stock up on candy and wear whatever your wearing now-happy trick and treating!

Ive only been through one American Halloween in my life and already, Ive noticed a scam in the making. First, you've got the adults trick and treating with infants in strollers, not only are they not dressed up-as if a baby is going to dig into rock hard candy when it hasn't even got teeth yet. So i wonder where all the candy goes, oh wait, obese mum, of course. pregnancy is over lady, what you eat ain't going to a baby no more. Next is the "outstanding costumes". Here is dialect i exchanged with a kid:

"hi, what are you meant to be?"

"im a playa, word"

"player? what do you play?"

"look brah, don't hate the playa, hate the game."

"alright alright, take the candy, here take my wallet too."

Oh yeah, i got tricked by a player no pun intended. Last but not least is the worst thing about Halloween-crappy candy. Aldi candy and No Frills is not real candy okay? Sure you save money by buying in bulk and able to sustain the whole night but giving diarrhoea and aids to children is not the spirit of Halloween!

Well, have a great Halloween and hope you have such a frightful night you shit yourself.

Realistic Sex Story Part Two

2009-10-06T15:26:00.000-07:00

Maria could smell Anita's breath, as slowly, their plump lips pressed towards each other. Kissing like hardcore lesbians at a Mardi Gra party when suddenly Maria broke off the kiss. "Why you looking away?"Maria said angrily "when you kiss, you look people in the eye, am i that ugly?" "I have a medical condition remember?" came the awkward reply, "oh yeah sorry...." They resumed the kiss. By this time now, both of them were hot and passionate embracing each other. Maria began thrashing her tongue deep into Anita's mouth. *choke. Anita barfed all over the floor.

"WTF was that? that's not cool."Anita cried while cleaning the last drops of vomit from her mouth

Maria was confused, "i thought deep tongue kissing was erotic?"

"Well i have a shallow mouth, Jesus, that was like a snake or a reptile or something...."

"I'm sorry, look lets just get to the orgasm part okay?"

"Fine."

Both of them began undressing.

They looked at each other naked and the feeling of lust overcame them. Anita raced towards Maria and began grabbing any body part she could as she passionately kissed them. Maria bent down and looked at Anita's pubic region but, instead she discovered a rain forest. She could even hear frogs chirping.

"whoa, there is no way i am going anywhere near that thing unless Rambo accompanies me. Damn women you never heard of shaving?"

"Jeez, it was a long winter okay? fine, if you don't do it, ill do yours. I like rainbow flavoured skittles." Anita bent down and progressed slowly towards the rainbow when the fish market landed in the room.

"OMGAWSH! whats that smell? are you cooking fish for dinner?" Anita quipped

"wha..? oh yeah, I'm cooking fish...fish of course...fish."

"it shall smells like fish really bad, all this fish smell is making me hungry." Anita stood up and began sniffing the place in search of fish like a bear.

"Hungry, you not horny anymore? what about your ovaries?"

"its okay Maria I'm sure happy hobo is joking, besides, his not a real person hahaha."

The two had a wonderful lunch of fish and chips and by nighttime Anita was dressed and gone.

As Anita walked down the street, she ran into a homeless man. The homeless man looked up and smiled, he had teeth missing.

"Oh no!, oh no, I'm so-"

Witnesses, say what they'd seen was definitely paranormal. A homeless guy raised his fist and light shone from his hand, he then punched the victim in the stomach and two egg like sacs flew out of the victims body. Police are still looking for the perpetrator.

Realistic Sex Story

2009-10-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

Does erotic literature turn you on? My story will make Viagra obsolete.

Maria, waited by the window. John's car still has not turned up. He has been late for the third time this month. Was work really that busy? They'd been married for 5 years next January yet lately, Maria couldn't help but notice the flagging love in their relationship.

Maria checked herself out in the mirror, she had nice breasts, not too big not too small. Except for a tiny few strands of hair on her left breast nipple, her breasts were porn star quality. Her pubic hair was carefully trimmed, Maria even dyed it rainbow coloured last week. Her huge tattoo on her right butt cheek which should read "if you can see this,your f^cked" but cellulite has taken over and it now read"you see this f^ck". Maria stroked her hair, and it began snowing. Looks like its time to take care of the dandruff Maria thought. A true goddess yet her man seems to think it was not enough. The sound of her husbands car approached the driveway. Sighing, Maria went to greet her husband.

The next day, Maria's best friend Anita Cocke came to visit. Now Anita has been single for as long as Maria can remember. Maria always tried to introduce Anita to new men but Anita's slightly lopsided eyes and a nose that would make Owen Wilson jealous was a hard sell for men. Chatting away, the conversation gradually turned to sex life.

"OMG I'm so horny, i haven't had sex in like forever!"-Maria exclaimed.

"lets have sex so the male audience reading this will get a boner and masturbate."-Anita said.

"what lesbian sex?, but I'm not gay!"-Maria was astounded, "we are also best friends!"

Anita sighed, "oh well, its come to this" with those words, Anita reached into her handbag and pulled out a dildo."JUST F$%^ING have sex with me or ill dildo slap you!!!......sorry, its just that happyhobo really pressured me into doing this and if i don't, he said he will falcon punch my ovaries. "

"Very well" said a resigned Maria, "lets do this to save your potentially ugly offspring."

Maria edged closer to Anita, their faces coming together..........

Continued in part two

Human Mating rituals

2009-09-21T03:46:00.000-07:00

Walking down the mall today, i see a "?". Well this "?" is hard to describe but upon closer inspection, i discovered the "?" was a guy dressed in women makeup /or a really guy looking girl. Anyways, the "?" got the wrong vibe and thought i was checking the "?" out. So the "?" gave me a "oh bitch you checking me out look?" and proceeded to respond to my frightfully misdirected stare. I'm sure this has happened to you before so Ive compiled a guide to ease the confusion of the mating process helping to avoid awkward encounters and possible man on man action.

For girls:

Make eye contact. Smile, not in a dopey high way unless your target is a hippy but in a "I'm nice girl so now do me kind of way". Man should get signal to approach you. If the guy is shy, beckon him forward with your finger. No man can resist the finger of temptation. If looking for casual sex. Keep on using the finger. Or just spread legs and say vacant space needs filling, Smalls penor need not apply. If its for love, make conversation. During the conversation, make sure you are showing off your best anatomy. Such can be done by folding your arms and pushing up your breasts or bend forward slightly to a 45 degree angle. If going nowhere. Repeat following phrase:

"Girls with asses like mine don't go out with guys with faces like yours."

For guys:

Make gorilla noises and pound your chest. Loudest sound gets the hot chick. Skip making conversation and all that jibber jabber. If girl begins talking, pull out penis and stick into mouth. WARNING: NOT your own mouth. Sometimes, you may face competition. This can be solved by showing your masculinity and dominating all males. In some animal species, the dominant male rapes the weaker male as a show of strength. Same applies here. If going nowhere. Then provoke women to slap you so you can pound her face and say it was self defense. Just kidding-women beating is for cowards but then its what feminists want right? Women are equal remember.

NOW go forth and multiply......or divide......or ask a math teacher to help you out.

Creative ways to die

2009-09-15T01:36:00.001-07:00

Everyone wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die. So when the time does come-how do you want to go? Here are some interesting deaths that has happened and can happen?

1.Dieing by sex-very manly way to go. Suffer heart-attack whatever. Having sex automatically puts you above 99 percent of the Internet population who aren't even getting any.

2. Die laughing- Made possible by some guy who couldn't stop laughing at a TV show. Proves TV does kill braincells and even lives.

3. Die by time machine. That's right, go back and have sex with your mother. TIME CONTINUUM PARADOX. What a way to go.

4. Crushed to death by war elephant. How many people can proclaim that at a funeral? Not a elephant- a mother f%$cking war elephant.

5. Getting hit by a space object. It could be a meteor, alien ship,space junk or even nasa sattelites.... Walking down the street and is that a plane?is that superman? no its a meteor coming straight for me. WOW sooo shiny, im just going to stand here and watch the shiny light *dribbles saliva.

6. Die by ownage. Dress like a terrorist then find the most redneck bar in America and shout die infidels. Then wait for sweet heaven.

7.Die by hunting. You can either hang out with Dick Cheney or dress like a animal and run around the woods during hunting season.

8.Die by collision with the moon. I mean, once you reach a certain weight, theoretically, you will get your gravitational pull. So eat junk food for 1000 years to reach epic proportions. Then wait as the moon crashes into you.

9. Last but not least die by the cross. That's right. Die on a cross then come back. (that makes Jesus a zombie!!!) The most epic way to die.

Well, don't try these at home boys and girls. Wait, the disclaimer goes at the start?

Progress in Life

2009-09-09T20:00:00.002-07:00

Caption: You must be able to do this by 20 years of age.

I realised there is no standard on how and what you should have done in life by the time you reach certain ages so HappyHobo is going to provide you with some guidance on how to live life.(Why am i talking in third person?)

Age 0 to 1 years-Get born. If you get stuck-your most likely going to become overweight in life. Be able to repeat these simple steps:eat,sleep,poop,repeat.

Age 1-5 years- Learn the basics of humanity such as talking, walking, pooping in civilised places etc etc. Also learn basic human interaction skills and how to have a fit at the shopping mall in order to obtain candy or toys.

Age 5-10 years-bum around. Don't really have to accomplish anything in life.

Age 10-15 years- Begin puberty and growth spurt. If you began before this time, then good for you. choose a class that is going to stick with you till you reach 20. Eg.emo,goth,fag,jock etc etc.

Age 15-20 years-Mature and learn the benefits of alcohol and partying.

Age 20-25 years-More bumming around. decide what you want to do in life but still stick to alcohol and partying. If you have not lost you virginity by the end of this time span. Please find prostitute or become a monk.

Age 25-40 years- Get a real job instead of working at some fast food outlet. Can finally have sex without the condom for "procreation" purposes.

Age 40 - 50 years- Suffer mid life crisis. Learn benefits of Viagra.

Age 50 -70 years-Get old. If you are staying young, there is a problem and go see doctor. Start hating young people and begin using the phrase "back in my days".

Age 70-80 years-Prepare to die or die.

Age 80-100 years: Still not dead?

100+years:Crap, just sit there and rot slowly? Congratulations on making high score list.

Girlfriend specification

2009-09-02T19:32:00.000-07:00

Getting a girlfriend is like getting a computer. For all you computer savvy out there, happy hobo is going to help you find the perfect girlfriend based on your daily needs.

When choosing a girlfriend, you must decide what you need her for; will she be a gaming girlfriend for social playing? Maybe a working girlfriend needed for job related tasks? She might just be a home girlfriend doing everyday tasks. Below is a set of minimum specifications needed to help you choose the perfect girlfriend.

Gaming Girlfriend
Manufacturer: Satan
Model: Gaming A100
Processor Speed: Single core 1 GHz (gaming girlfriends do not require high thinking speed as it makes it easier for you to trick them and they probably won’t remember it.)
Memory: 2mb (See above)
DVD/CD-drive: 1000x CD 500x DVD (all gaming girlfriends are good for. Require fast drive for your pleasure. Obviously DVD is slower because it’s smaller and probably will hurt the gaming computer. Make sure she cleans her DVD drive before you stick it in.)
Storage: 80 GB (Does not have enough space for baby. Can only store basic programs aka jizz etc)
Audio: Sound card +subwoofers (for audio pleasure)
Ports and misc items: 2xpower storage, 1 USB port, eye candy LCD screen.
Software and operation system: Vista, partying v3.0, sleeping v3.0, eating v3.0, sexytime v3.0
Overall Summary: Gaming girlfriends are only good for one thing-gaming. Other than that, it is just a waste of power and money as the gaming computer is known to be very expensive to maintain.

Work Girlfriend
Manufacturer: God
Model: Working A100

Processor speed: Quad Core core 6 GHz (working girlfriends require high thinking speeds in order to be productive.)

Memory: 8 GB (Must be able to multi task in order to be successful)

DVD/CD-drive: 4x CD 0x DVD (Working girlfriends do not come with a DVD drive. Basic CD drive is very slow)

Storage: 160 GB (Has space for baby though not recommended as it can slow working computer down. Can store useful programs and other stuff needed for your working needs)

Audio: Sound card (basic sound)

Ports and misc items: 2xpower storage, 1 USB port, (USB port is known not to recept to incoming signals)

Software and operation system: XP, sleeping v1.0, eating v1.0, office v3.0.
Overall Summary: Working girlfriends are very productive. Despite its productivity, the user may find it hard to engage in social gaming activities. Working computers come usually come with warranty (degrees and diplomas) so you can be sure your getting your value's worth.

Home Girlfriend
Manufacturer: Oprah Winfrey

Model: Home b1000
Processor speed: Dual core 1.8 GHz (Need average thinking power in order to complete daily tasks. Can lower thinking speed if you wish to get another girlfriend.)

Memory: 1 GB (See above)

DVD/CD-drive: 50x CD 50x DVD (cd drive is good for basic "burning and copying files". DVD drive may move fast if you’re lucky and you ask nicely)

Storage: 500GB (Can store everything you need. Able to store multiple babies)
Audio: nothing (for your safety, sound card has been removed to avoid nagging)

Ports and misc items: 2xpower storage, 1 USB port.

Software and operation system: Linux, Cleaning v3.0, Super Cleaner V3.0, Super cooker V8.0

Overall Summary: Home girlfriend is known to contract viruses is left home alone for extended periods of time.

What has blogging taught me

2009-09-02T19:06:00.001-07:00

Well after 4 months of blogging, I have learnt many things. Well no not really, I haven't learnt anything but at least it sounds like I'm making progress.

I guess these points helped me realise something.

1. Blogging will not pay you. Originally I wanted to blog just so I can write down the weird stuff that I experience. Then I realised people were making money from it, then I realised that no, only a select few make money, then I realised I had mayonnaise on my shirt and attempted to lick it off.

2. Blogging is only half the battle, getting people to read it was much more difficult. I had to become a ewhore and whore myself onto forums and other whatnot in order to get other bloggers to read my stuff. Kinda like an exchange, I kick your back, you kick mine.... (Kick?????)

3. In order for crap to happen to me, I must first move in order to get crap done to me. That was the first mistake at the start of me blogging. Id just sit in my chair waiting for stuff to happen but according to happy hobos first law-for shit to happen to you, you must first party naked. So off I went to the real world. I even to move(something I don't like doing)! Although that did burn off some calories.

Well, my next goal is to get a domain name so search engines can find me easier. But in order to do that, I would need money. Well good readers-if you have any extra change feel free to donate to me. If you’re old and senile, also feel free to "contribute" and "invest" in this blog because I promise you, my bank in Nigeria will make you a millionaire in a short 1 month. Feel free to also comment on my blog posts, you can do it anonymously if you want to yell abuse at me.
From now on, i'm also going to improve the quality of my articles so it sounds more professional. (Ha-ha yeah right). Please bear with reworded articles and fixed spelling and grammar problems. (Thank god for spell-check).

Anyways, you guys be good and have a great day!

My Own Song

2009-09-02T01:24:00.000-07:00

Caption: Looking constipated is a face most singers make

Back in my days when Pluto was still a planet, lots of music artist made it big time with their good voices and poetic lyrics. Nowadays, I guess you just sleep with a producer and instant stardom!!! Thanks to digital enhancement, anybody can be a star as long as you have the looks and charisma to pull it off. Lyrics begin talking about going bonkers, a song about paparazzi (wtf?), and a song about fast food? What next, are they going to start singing about going shopping next? It’s ok though, as always, happy hobo’s blog will provide the next top chart hitting song. Well just the lyrics at least; Id sing it myself though I sound like a person whose just inhaled lots of helium with a nasal twang and a lisp also suffering a bad case of tourettes.
I like them real bouncy by Happy Hobo.

(Imagine to the tune of Basshunter I can walk on water)

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA One day when I was
Walking
I saw a beautiful
f^$&ing nice big round bouncy
Ass
Is this a dream from smoking
grass?

I couldn’t believe what
Id seen
I was really
really keen
now i cant find words
that rhyme
this song must finish
in time
Repeat 9000 times.

A crappy story

2009-08-23T16:39:00.001-07:00

I'm about to tell you a crap story-not in the sense that's it is boring but literally a story about crap. My crap to be exact. If poop makes you uncomfortable, please stop reading.

It all began 3 months ago on a cold cold morning. Waking up to the early 7 o'clock sunshine, me and my friend went to eat breakfast at our cafeteria. The inviting smell of scrambled eggs,sausages and toasting waffles met our noses as we entered the cafeteria. Being a carnivore, i chose lots of scrambled eggs mixed with Tabasco sauce, a glass of cold chocolate milk and 5 slices of bacon. A high protein meal fit of a heart attack. After the meal, i watched as the oil oozed around my plate. "Drink it" dared my sub-intelligent friend. Being the early morning, my judgement was impaired and i fell into the stupid dare a retard had set. Laughing we headed off to class.

Nothing spectacular happened during morning classes as the biology teacher literate on and on about some boring hormone or gene. Music class was fine too. It was not until i entered my theatre class did i realise something was not right. We were assigned to watching a Shakespeare play. Experiencing difficulty at understanding normal English, Shakespeare fagot talk gave me a headache. Now a stomach ache was rising but i chose to ignore it as it was my last class for the day. When class finished, i began to make my way back to the dorms in preparation for lunch.
After walking a few strides, i felt the primeval man kinds desire to "visit brown dragon" or "drop the foster kids off at school". Seeing how public toilets can give you aids, i chose to ignore it and do my business in the comfort of my own toilet. that i tell you now is the worst decision i have made in my life so far. Halfway towards the dorm, i realised this was not the classical hard formed poop pooped normally by healthy individuals, but its mutated cousin. The mixture of cold milk, bacon and raw oil did not mix well, too bad i attended biology class instead of chemistry....

AS i walked, i felt my bum muscles giving away. My brain issued a level 5(the highest) emergency to my ass cheeks but the battle was lost. At precisely 2300 hours, the invasion was won by the enemy and my poop made its presence known to the world. BOOM! it exploded breaking through my last lines of defence. Immediately, the cold day became hot around my bum area. However being the cold day it was, it froze. By now i was 3 quarters of the way to my destination. I became paranoid as people walked past me. I thought-"is juice leaking out?""can people see Ive pooped in my pants?""ahhh no more stomach ache" Luckily, it was exam time and everybody was too focused to notice brown juice leaking down my pants. I met a couple of friends just before i got into my bathroom. As you can probably guess, i told them i needed to crap and would catch up with them later. Little did they know, the deed was already done.
Well the rest gets boring, i just shower a lot and throw away all my clothes. The shower smelt like poop and i felt sorry for the cleaner but hey don't blame me-blame Shakespeare-his plays will bore you till you poop.

Well reader, now you know a crappy story about me. Hope you enjoy your food after reading this. :d

List of words used to find this blog

2009-08-19T23:22:00.001-07:00

Here is a list of some of the keywords and terms used by readers on search engines to find this blog.

dog penis-bestiality is not supported at happy hobo's blog

20 year old virgin suffering from erectile dysfunction-how would you know if your a virgin?

bum family kidnapped by aliens need money for karate lessons-karate isn't going to work against aliens fool!

chat conversation where the cops come in-wtf?

dogs on steroids-animal cruelty

impact of steroids on dogs -more animal cruelty

is it illegal to join the mile high club? -is it illegal to have sex?

is Michael Jackson monkey dead -why would you care?

monkey on steroids photo -Duan "Dog" chapman?.

putting your dog on roids -roids?

should you feed your dog more when their on steroids-lets ask animal abuse association shall we?

what to do if your children calls you a fat hippy-parenting site?

gangsta doctor tv show-new TV show idea!

Sorry about the huge spaces between sentences. I just wanted to make my post look long.

Guide to being Street Smart

2009-08-18T19:04:00.001-07:00

I read on the newspaper the other day about some guy who worked late and got robbed in a ghetto area of the town. The police then gave handy tips on how to stay safe on the streets like screaming and running etc,etc. Well i think the ideas are stupid as running away screaming like a girl (taken that you are a guy) would only make the assailant more pissed and want to kick your ass. So forget about police advice, follow happyhobo's tips in being street smart and you'd never have to worry about personnel safety again.

Obviously, to avoid getting thugged, you must look and act like a thug and or gangster. Who's ever heard of terrorists blowing up other terrorists? Point proven. Looking like a thug takes a long time to perfect unless your a teenage kid who's been exposed to MTV all your life.

First and foremost is to change the way you talk. DO NOT USE correct grammar and proper English. Depending on what type of thug you want to portray, see example below:

General Thug

DO NOT SPEAK LIKE THIS: Can you please pass me all your monetary notes, and any other things of general value before i stab you with this sharp instrument i am holding. This is so i may finance the cash deficit my business is experiencing?

SPEAK LIKE THIS: Ya f%$# give me da money stuff before i skewer your ass.

Next is to make an appearance change. ditch the business suite and/or designer brand clothes.

Instead, buy clothes 5 times your size. This is especially important if your a guy as baggy pants signify conventional pants cannot fit your "package". Try to acquire weapons such as knives or guns. If said weapons are too expensive for you, then water guns work just fine. One must also look shiny in order to blend in(this is known as bling). Wear as much shiny things as possible so when sunlight hits you, everyone within 5 metres becomes blind.

Acting is also very important in not getting mugged. When walking down the street, try to high five everyone. If your not of a ethnic minority, feel free to give racist tags to everyone around you because its fine-your a ghetto gangster now.

If however none of the above work and you are still getting mugged, dress like an Australian with accent and everything. Also carry a real huge knife. When your about to get mugged, pull out your knife and say "this is a real knife"

Funny pics i found

2009-08-18T03:16:00.000-07:00

Quality healthcare

2009-08-06T20:04:00.001-07:00

Caption: PORN!!!

Well the world's not going to end. The article was a year old. How'd it end up on current news? blame it on google.

Anyways onto more recent news-today i had to go see the doctor about my brain(i told you I'm crazy) . I walk into the doctors office and he asks me "how am i doing". Well excuse the obvious but if i was well, i wouldn't be here. I mutter a polite good and the normal pleasantries are exchanged. The good doctor then takes out my file and explains to me something in my brain is whacked. However he uses complex scientific terms like maribus petulla and something about a Pilate?(is he asking me to dress in tights and stretch?). I look at him , a drop of saliva hanging by my mouth. He realises his 160+ IQ does not match my 41- IQ so he explains that i need to get a CRT scan done.(Basically microwaving your head). I nod enthusiastically as the last time i had something checked out by a specialist, it was a really really pleasant.

(*flashback)

By pleasant i mean i had to go see a nurse for my health checkup, i enter a room to find a HOT nurse standing there. This hot is the equivalent to a porn star hot for those of you who have watched nurse porn.. Well the checkup is going nicely till she gets out those latex gloves and does the customary pull thingie to make sure its on tight. I say "no no no way" but she says relax and pulls my pants to feel my nether regions. Nothing happened OK? I was disappointed but this is a real story and not a dream!

Back to present times. So i go to the lab for my CRT scan to be greeted by another nurse. She was petite and when she saw me she was looking sideways. i thought awww how cute, she is shy and avoiding eye contact. She told me i needed to have a needle injection. So she preps me up. that's when i realised, she wasn't shy! She was cockeyed. When she looked at me she looked to the side, she was actually looking at me! CONFUSING? and now she's going to stick a needle into me. Poor aiming don't apply as she stufffed up and blood started spurting out. Well fast forward and I'm still alive albeit for a massive bruise from where i took the needle and bruised ego from trying to make eye contact.

Malpractice lawsuit anyone?

End of the world!!!!!

2009-08-03T19:26:00.000-07:00

Caption: RAWWWR im hungry and i want to eat the earth !!

According to a article written by a notable newspaper. A group of scientist are planning to build a black hole within earth with some super duper machine from the future. That was the non scientific explanation. If you wanted that even simpler, it means:

WE ARE F$#%ed!

The scientist prepare to recreate the big bang with a mini black hole but other scientists argue that the black whole can grow bigger and eat the whole earth inside out! That means in nine days when they do the experiment-the world could end! Talk about a crappy way to end humanity! Rather than asteroid collision or alien invasion, mankind becomes extinct because a bunch of nerds forgot to add h2O to the equation.

So what now? In nine days, the world could very much end. What to do in nine days to make up for a lifetime? Well first on my list is obviously to get laid. Even god would laugh at me if i make it up to heaven a virgin! Next, i am going to eat as much chocolate and ice cream as possible(better hope the world does end!). Finally i guess i would want to sleep a lot too. Some people say you can sleep all you want when your dead but when your dead and you wake up, do you get morning wood? That's right, I thought no.

Well fellow readers, i guess this could be my final post! I want to say i love you guys...alot....in a sexual way.....only if your female though..... Stay tuned for more info?

Magibon MRirian

2009-07-20T15:58:00.000-07:00

New work at home opportunities! Are you attractive? Are you cute looking? Are you ready to be the sexual fantasy of middle aged men,pedophiles and serial killers? Tired of all those scam work at home offers? Look no further, here at happyhobo's blog, we have found the ultimate way in making a stream of income, supporting your family while even allowing you to make 10000 figure income all in the comfort of your own home. Its called vblogging! Just like the video above.

All of the above sound too good to be true? Who cares! All you need is

1. A web cam

2.A computer

3.cute looking face

4.Internet access

5.Pussy power

Watch as thousands of horny adolescents and middle aged males flock to just watch you-that's right, all you have to do is look into the web cam-that's it! Not only do you gain income, you gain stalkers too! your very own fan base!!!!!!!

Testimonial 1

My name is Bridget, i used to give fellatio in order to provide for my 300 kids, now all i do is look into a webcam and get paid! Some group called Snuff Shows even asked me to perform in their upcoming event.

Testimonial 2

Hi guys! happyhobos work at home has changed my life! Im a transsexual and neither sexes would touch me. Now, i get the attention of thousands of males as they see my beautiful face. On the Internet, I'm known as Hotpussy Neversayno but little do they know im pre op-:)

Note: This is not a real advertisement obviously. However, if you are looking to get scammed, please proceed to the donation page.

Delicious Cooking recipes for family

2009-07-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

This post will not teach you how to cook your family. Apologies. This post will however reveal a few secrets in the art of cooking a delicious meal fit for a fat food taster.

Are you sick of the husband that is late for dinner because of "work"? Bored with conventional sandwich lunches? Want something different-below is three delicious recipes sure to get your taste buds crazy!

Recipe one-Exquisite Chocolate desert topped with delicious crusty bread
Make your mouth water?
Ingredients

1. Mars bar or any chocolate bar
2. Two slices of white bread

Instructions

1. Squish chocolate bar between sandwich.

2. Microwave.

3. enjoy melted heaven.

4. Leave our parents basement and learn to cook.

Recipe two-Crispy Spiced duck/pigeon with white rice
Ingredients

1. Bait to capture wild pigeon/duck

2. Capture wild duck or pigeon-the wilder the better-if it contains SARS even better-more flavour you can see!

3. Flour

4.Wasabi

5. Toilet water

6.Sugar

Instructions

1. Notice there is a live/dead bird in front of you. If dead jump to 3.

2. Scream that there is a live bird flapping around your kitchen.

3. Run to butcher to buy chicken breasts.

4. Add layer of wasabi onto breast. Wrap in foil. this is to preserve the moist of a delicious chicken tender. Put into microwave.

5. Dip bits and pieces of flour into toilet water and voila!- homemade rice. it would help if previously you ate real rice and used the toilet. This will ensure your homemade rice retains the beautiful flavours.

6. Taste your creation.

6.5 Order Chinese takeaway or go to hospital.

Recipe three-Braised mushrooms and leek soup

Ingredients

1. Funny coloured mushrooms that are growing in the abandoned house

2.Never heard of leek? its OK-leek is the water that is leaking from the tap. Collect that.

3. Braised? never heard of either, Just ignore that bit.

Instructions

1. Mix funny coloured mushrooms with leek. You can also use the mushrooms your local drug dealer is offering you.

2. Cook with love

3. Get arrested for drug procession or start seeing leprechauns

4. Apply for master chef.

DISCLAIMER(the author of these recipes is definitely not a real sane human let alone a chef so the above recipes ARE NOT safe for human consumption. However if you suffer from constipation..............go watch some South Park.)

Really Busy

2009-07-19T17:00:00.001-07:00

Really really busy

-ill be back-
*jumps into lava

Hot Hot Hot

2009-07-11T16:48:00.000-07:00

I can't believe this, my blog has become the latest battlefield for good and evil. As i was surfing porn yesterday, a huge pop-up came onto my screen and yep, you probably didn't guess it but it was Satan. Well to be more precise, it was Satan's lawyers, they allege that the post i made about gods letter to me was defamatory to Satan's image and requested i post this letter or else expect legal action and/or demon procession. So i guess i have no choice, here is the letter.

Dear foolish mortals and happyhobo,

Since the "almighty" is going all technological on my a$$, i feel outraged at the way he described me and feel that i have been portrayed in a very negative fashion. Let me introduce myself, I am known by many names, Satan, Lucifer,Devil,Beelzebub, but you can just call me Joe. I was raised in god's pristine heaven until i realised he was being selfish and not letting me be my potential, i mean i was the hottest angel there. Any other angels, if they sat next to me, it is like comparing a before and after picture. So i ran away from home, well more of kicked out but that's not the point. Anyways here i am walking around on this place called earth and see this really really fricking sweet garden so i turn into a snake and settled down to enjoy life. God saw that i was enjoying life and he was pissed so he made some humans to come f^*%$ things up for me. Anyways i plant some really nice trees (I'm really into gardening), there is this one tree called the tree of knowledge that i really liked, it produced both fruit and made you smarter. I see these two monkey walking around, really really stupid things you could tell, i mean, they weren't even wearing clothes and the guy was getting shrinkage so feeling sorry for them, i told the women to eat some fruit to boost that IQ a bit. Anyways they got smarter and found out that they were naked, god got pissed cause now he cant see naked genitals, man that god guy seriously needs to attend anger management classes, he is pissed off about everything. So he banishes them and i kinda feel its my fault so feeling sorry for them i decide from now on, ill help them enjoy life abit.

Anyways, feel free to drop me a message anytime, all you have to do piss off god like checking out your girlfriends sister's tits or lying about those magazines, that's right, i know everything myhahahahahahahaha *cough excuse me, mwhahahahhhahahah!!!

*Come join me for a eternity of burning and pain! This Saturday ! RVSP on facebook please.

Oh my God!

2009-07-01T20:07:00.001-07:00

It has come to this, after two months of blogging, i will finally talk about the holy one-not Michael Jackson but the Holy GOD! Who better to find out about god than god himself! So yesterday night, i prayed for god to reveal himself unto me. Guess what, in the mail the next day, i got fined for illegal parking! However going through the pile i noticed a white letter and omg(no pun intended) was i surprised, it was a letter by god himself written to me!(DISCLAIMER:Actual praying results will vary). Below is that letter.

Dear HappyHobo

yoooooo broooo wassup man? Its your holy father dude, i love you mannnn. How you doing? wait i already know that, anyways, sorry for the long delay in replying dude, usually I'm omnipotent and shit but i get lots of fanmail. I know your asking yourself why does god swear and talk like a hippy? Well contrary to popular belief, I'm pretty shizzle yah dig, i mean talking like "the lordeth giveth and the lord taketh" makes me sound like a homosexual with a lisp. Anyways dawg, ill give you a bang for my life story mkay? I'm three things in one! that's right, I'm the value package-if you believe in me, you get three for the deal of one! I'm god, then i fathered myself into that virgin chick but I'm also a spirit-pretty cool right? Well, i kinda got bored up in heaven with those angels, i mean all day they just sing and poop like birds so i created your decedents just for fun. Anyways, one of my angels must have had something really high up his a## because he tried to f&ck with my new toy. So being the awesome god(I'm full of awesomeness), i kicked his butt out and he turned into a snake and brought his own home somewhere really hot. My real estate agent told me though my property is worth more than his so I'm pretty happy. One day I'm going to kick his a$$ but i just cant be bothered you know? I'm like the biggest procrastinator. Anyways that pretty much summarises my life up till now.

hope you enjoy meatloaf for dinner.

Peace out Yall

xxx lots of love GOD

Transformers 2 review

2009-07-01T19:48:00.000-07:00

Well, recently my social life got reactivated, only for one day though so me and a few other humans went to see what all the hype was about with the new Transformers movie. After spending 150 minutes and at the cost of $15.50 aud. I must say the movie has had a profound impact upon me. First thing i noticed was after hearing all the sound effects, i couldn't communicate with my friends effectively and had to resort to hand signals, during the movie a old man left abruptly and my guess was all the sound effects must have triggered a flashback of nam. so war veterans beware! Transformers 2 is a real man manly male movie. It includes everything a man(normal male) can want-hot girls,hot cars and lots of action. the movie is however devoid of a plot but who cares, its big robots pounding each other! Watching Transformers 2 has definitely increased my muscle mass, testosterone levels and penis size. No movie gets more manly than Transformers. Society should use this movie to turn homos(aka-"metro sexual","skinny males","manbags") into real testosterone pumped gorillas, i think one of my friends grew a beard and had hair in places never seen before!. Straight after watching Transformers, we went to play lazer tag and what can i say-i kicked butt. I nearly melee a guy in the face as it was a natural response from playing too much video games. I should have also brought a knife as it is a well known fact that you run faster with a knife.

Michael Jackson dead!

2009-06-25T15:19:00.000-07:00

Latest news - Michael Jackson has died! -
Now this is not the first time that Jackson has reportedly died. So fans don't be heartbroken yet. NO official statement has been confirmed, however if you read the article-it all sounds pretty official now unlike like the ones you get from gossip magazines-"Anorexic Nicole Ritchie FAT???" which i wonder why they always sound startled, maybe all magazine editors are nervous wrecks who are easily startled. Anyways back to Jackson, this just came in so Ive just woken up to facebook with people writing RIP Jackson. I however don't see why everyone is so sad that his dead, at least now, we can see live performances of Thriller without need of makeup. Practically thinking-why did he need all those costumes to cover his identity, maybe he was a zombie in disguise! Jackson's death now leaves many questions to be answered-
1. Who will Eminem rap about now?
2. What happens to his comeback tour?
3. Where will orphans and children who wont be missed go now?
4. Why is there a mole on my right butt cheek?
Only time can answer these questions though i have a solution to number two-wouldn't it be ironic if they turned Netherland ranch into a holiday resort for abused children-sorry couldn't resist that one.

http://news.google.com.au/news?hl=en&q=michael+jackson+dead&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=NflDSuv-D5SCkQWlvdCqDw&sa=X&oi=news_group&ct=title&resnum=810181057
RIP Michael Jackson

Funny Chat Conversations

2009-06-19T16:05:00.000-07:00

You like listening to other people talk? A bit of eavesdropping? Well, this post will make you very very happy. The title is self explanatory-
Stranger: Do it, bitch
You: oh yeah , i like to suck that
Stranger: Ahahaha, ew, that's gross :D
You: what? suck a popsicle
Stranger: Oh Right .
You: what were you thinking? dirty!
Stranger: My head was in the gutter
You: tut tut , did it smell bad?
Stranger: I most definatly thought you were talking about lolipops
Stranger: It smelt like ass obviously,
You: lick lick ,not suck
You: you know this is kinda semi erotic lol
Stranger: Ahahaha
You:this is kinda gay,your proabably a guy and so am i, that makes it homo
Stranger: Ahahaha, nah, actually, I'm not
You: so what your a animal? or god?
You: or all of the above?
Stranger: I'm a beast, man
You: you sound like a dude
Stranger: Ahahahha, I don't sound like anything,We're typing
You: we are?
Stranger: Should I type more feminine?
You: yep, things like "wait a second let me do the dishes"
Stranger: Ahahaha, well, I AM, I'm not really sure what YOU'RE doing
You: chuck norris came out of me,i pooped him out.
Stranger: Wow, That's pretty intense
You: not really.
Stranger: That must've hurt
You: i have a huge butt
You: hole to be exact.
Stranger: That's unusual, is it not?
You: not really its what happen when you eat gold for breakfast, you poop big hard stuff
Stranger: Wow, living the fancy life, huh?
You: yeah, dad was a gigolo, mum was was a stripper, profitable business.
You: look how sad i am talking online, proabably to a serial killer
Stranger: You figured me out,Just don't look out your window, I don't like to be seen
You: crap, wheres my shotgun?not again.
Stranger: I saw you start to peek,Don't do it.
You: what am i wearing?
Stranger: You're wearing spandex.Golden. And form-fitting.
You: lol yeah im wearing a gimp suite, but im calling the cops.
Stranger: Ahahaha, what am I going to do, jump through your window and stop you?
You: my window is incased in metal,with bulletproof glass
Stranger: That's okay, I can eat through it. I'm a beast, remember?
You: and a fat hippy hides under the window, try eating the fat hippy, youll die
Stranger: That might be difficult,I'm just gonna use the door, mmkay?
You: and besides, i can always poop a chuck norris,just gotta find some gold
You:however im broke as tom Cruises sperm bank. well not anymore
Stranger: Just eat that f&*king golden spandex you're wearing.
Anyways, the conversation got worse as we talked about pubic hair and stalkers. Hope you found it entertaining you f$#cking stalker!

Interview with a hobo

2009-06-14T21:21:00.000-07:00

Some people like collecting stamps as a hobby, others say, love mountain hiking-well my special topic of interest is hobos aka homeless, lazy bums etc. I love these guys. One may argue homelessness is a serious issue but how can you not laugh at a guy with missing teeth, smells like wet dog, dresses like its always summer (i guess that's what all the holes are for-good ventilation) and sings with a voice that is probably better than half of the day one Idol tryouts. I guess hobos are natures clowns-no artificial makeup needed. Usually, their misfortunes in life are always comedic. ie. "ninjas took wife, need money for karate lessons" or the classic "son kidnapped, 98 cents short of ransom". Anyways, I'm meant to be interviewing a hobo here so on to the point:

Me: "Hello sir, do you mind doing a interview for my documentary on homelessness?"

hobo:"do i get paid?"

me:"yes sir, there will be a monetary payment."

hobo:"give me now."

*i give hobo 10 dollars-"here you go sir."

me:"so sir, do you mind telling me your name?"

*pretends to be sleeping.

me:"sir are you OK?"

hobo:"*&^% off!"

me:"sir you promised me a inter...."

hobo:"%$#@ off before i kick your !#@"

Seeing that the hobo looked pretty big for a homeless person-you'd think that homeless people would be small and undernourished, however this was not the case. I moved away to avoid ending up on 6'o'clock news under headline "reporter gets owned by hobo". Now i am 10 dollars less and without a interview.

How to do minimal work at your job (career advice)

2009-06-10T03:39:00.000-07:00

I hate working period. Especially working for (insert profanity) bosses who treat you like a slave. Anyways, over the short two years of my work life, i have become the ultimate bosses nightmare! Today, i will share the secrets that made me the professional sleeper that i am today.

1. Drink lots and lots of fluids, thanks to humanitarian rights, the boss cannot stop you from going to the toilet and going to toilet = 5 Minute break.

2. If you work in a team, don't do all the work, only contribute when it is required (when the boss is monitoring you). However you must appear to be making progress and working the hardest. This can be achieved by finding a fellow workmate to leech off. Remember, self preservation is most important.

3. Sleeping on the job is the hardest to achieve, however if you are able to master the following technique, you will be in dreamland and getting paid for it! Hand over forehead method-put your hand over your forehead to appear to be thinking hard and one of your elbows on the desk, by doing so, you look like you are working hard too! This technique requires skills as once asleep you must maintain the form.

4. If your a non-smoker, enjoy company time that allows smoker to smoke outside by rolling up your own fake white cigarette. Go outside and enjoy fresh air!

Hope my tips have helped you achieve your dream promotion while looking young and non-stressed.

20 year old virgin

2009-06-08T20:52:00.000-07:00

World's most famous virgin.

Its true now, i have hit the halfway milestone to a Hollywood movie made about me. I am a virgin. Not as in oil, but a real virgin-i have never conducted any sexual activity of any type. Are you shocked? Are you laughing at me? Are you surprised? Now don't get me wrong, i really really like human females, its just not my fault that i have been blessed with a female repellent. From the tender mating age of 16, everything i have done has warded the opposite sex away from me. From going out for the first time, and stepping on dog poop; to getting sick and vomiting when "hanging out", my chances at spreading the love has decreased to zero. Some may say-"its OK, you can just lose your virginity to your one and only love when you are married!". Considering there are around 6,783,421,727 people on this earth, and only one true love-I'm screwed overtime. Tracing back to my heritage, my grandpa was a pimp. He always had ladies around. However i seem not to have gotten any useful genes from him. Cupid, please stay off the alcohol and aim better.
From now on, this blog will include a prude meter on the side bar, when i am close to losing my virginity, the number will go towards 100, any number above 90 will warrant a post and details on what happened. should the number hit 100-it means touchdown!

The sex test part 2

2009-06-04T16:27:00.000-07:00

10.00am- leave for gym. Johnny Boy enters hibernation as cold weather surrounds me. Reach the warmth of the gym, Johnny Boy still very shy and sleepy from hibernation.

SEXPOINTS -2

10.16am-Go inside the gym. Suddenly pictures of perfect female bodies surround me, hot women in tight gym clothes strut past me. Johnny boy starts getting very very excited and restless. I make my way to gym change room. Smell of sweat and huge male bodies surround me. Johnny boy sends message to brain-"hurry up, lets get outta here, i want to seeeeee". With only enough blood to pump either the brain or Johnny boy i make haste and start working out in good view of the exercise machines with all the hot women on them. As i am lifting, i cannot focus, i watch as the rear sides and breasts bounce up and down, up and down. As if in slow motionnnnnn. I try not to look but by now Johnny boy had committed mutiny and controlled the entire body. What wasn't helping was the techno music being played and the videos of hot babes in even skinnier clothing. Brain enters damage control and starts imagining pictures of poo and other things that makes me puke. Luckily i have great imagination and johnny boy is forced back into line.

SEXPOINTS +150

fast forward..........nothing exciting......unless you want to hear about my toilet habits..............
5.00pm- Go play tennis. What can i say, Johnny boy gains some weight and it really is hard running around with Johnny boy hitting my legs. Should have worn better underpants. NO hot girls playing tennis today, only a bunch of old men.

SEXPOINTS -10

8.00pm- turn on Internet. I must have got a virus from *cough ahem using google because naked women pictures keep popping up.

SEXPOINTS +15

I feel like i have just written a report. But i guess this is all the sex exposed to me in one single day. By the end of the day, my hand starts to look really sexy to me ;) (im going to have sex with it)

The sex test part. 1

2009-06-01T02:30:00.002-07:00

Today at the mall, i realised something really interesting. I did not notice this until today but there is so much sex and lust in today's society that there is enough for you to just stop there and do whatever you do when you are aroused, no wonder Borat couldn't control himself! Maybe you've realised it, maybe not but i am going to conduct a sex test and see how much sex i am exposed to in one single day. I will refer to my male anatomy as Johnny boy.

8am-Wake up,as soon as i lift my head,i see picture of half naked chicks on the wall(not chickens by the way,I'm not into that stuff!). I already have morning wood so this picture makes no difference. SEXPOINTS+1

9am-eating breakfast,reading newspaper. See advertisement for bras and hot women models. Johnny boy gets a little excited but not enough for him to move too much. I focus on picture of the three rice bubble gnomes or whatever they are. Immediately Johnny goes back to sleep. New feeling takes place-anger. The three things pee me off with their shrill voices and jumping around.

SEXPOINTS +3

9.30am-Watch TV. Watch documentary on discovery channel about insect mating habits. Johnny boy is angry and wants to leave. (remember i told you, i am not into that stuff.)

SEXPOINTS -2

10.00am-Leave for gym...................................... TO be continued in next post.

So far in the two hours i have been awake,i have already been aroused twice. I am heterosexual so homosexual results may differ for all the scientists out there.

Don't feed your dog steroids please

2009-05-26T15:42:00.000-07:00

Everyone loves dogs-mans best friend-or is it really mans best friend? I thought the penis was a man's best friend. Anyways back to the point, its Saturday morning and I'm trying to enjoy a stroll through the park, 20 metres away is a skinny women with a huge dog, when i say huge, i mean you can probably put some make-up on it and put it into a Lord Of the Rings movie with the Dark Lord riding this thing. Immediately i wonder how you walk a dog that size without it walking you. Then i noticed the dog wasn't leashed. The dog looked at me, i looked at it. Normally I am not afraid of dogs, but when a dog that looks like a sumo on four legs starts charging at you at high speeds, thats a different story. Recalling watching a TV show about dogs, i froze dead in my tracks hoping the dogs vision was like stripper vision, and if i turn inanimate it won't see me. 10 metres......5 metres....moment of impact......

Expecting the dog to run around me in circles or whatever dogs do when they see people, my expectation was cut short when i lost full feeling in my right leg. The stupid dog had charged at me and instead of veering off it smashed facefirst onto my kneecap. The owner seeing that her dog couldnt walk straight called out its name. By now the dog was walking in a drunk fashion but finally decided a bird was more interesting than me. The owner did not bother to even apologise. Moral of this story-don't worry about leashes if you have a big dog, instead consider investing in a tranquilizer gun.

The recession.

2009-05-24T01:33:00.000-07:00

"The economy is bad, wahh wahh wahhh", "i lost my job wahh wahh wahh". These are tough times to live in but stop complaining for heavens sake! Life's a b#tch-period. At least you are still alive. I turn on the news and see a interview between a journalist and a family suffering economic crisis. Below is the transcript or something close to it.

"so how has the recession affected you?."

"its the little things you feel the most like changing wholegrain wheat bread for plain white bread."

I want to slap her in the face. At least you have something to eat! If you really are struggling and suffering a crisis, follow my list of money saving tips!

-Don't shower, instead wait for it to rain and use leaves as soap. That way you get a natural smell. This might be a problem in dry countries, in this case just don't shower.

-Save money on candles by collecting earwax.

-next time you see a stray dog, take it home, be nice to it, feed it lots-its a investment!

-the above one is sick, don't follow it,instead, do it on a cat.

-make more money by cutting your notes in half and then complaining that it is damaged at the bank to get two notes for one!-wait that was a really smart idea!

-do you enjoy shows such as Cops or Family Guy? Save money on television by running from the police or doing really stupid things and you can see them real time!.

-can't afford to go out on dates or maintiaining a relationship? Ditch your current significant other, go online and buy yourself a russian bride or groom for a one off payment.

-keep on reading this blog for free happiness rather than having to pay for it at the massage pa lour and going on dates.

Zombies

2009-05-16T03:13:00.000-07:00

Scientific fact-people who drive slowly also have slow brains. That makes me think-what if they really are zombies? What if the grandpa driving at slow speeds already has a expired birth certificate?

Proof 1-You see a slow driver, you can't overtake them so what do you do? You use an arsenal of profanities yet what happens? No response. Zombies are known to not make any response to sounds as they are deaf.

Proof 2-The driver has a concentrated stare-a daze type of look,why? zombies are stupid period.
Proof 3-OK I'm struggling here, but the above two mentioned proofs should be enough to convince you. Stop questioning my observations OK? I'm trying to save you here.

So in conclusion,next time you see a slow driver,get out your shotgun and take off its head. I mean,if you cant drive at human speeds, you are either a zombie or a wimp,either way you deserve to get you head taken off.

Mile High Club

2009-05-13T16:19:00.000-07:00

Having just got back from the US, i got to say, my plane trip sucked. Not only was the food horrendous, there was no pillows etc etc etc. However all that did not matter, the worst thing that i just couldn't get over was the fact that all the flight attendants were old enough to be my grandma. What happened to the good ole days when men enjoyed the service of young pretty flight attendants, when men used to ask if they can have their nuts warmed, roasted not toasted. When the appealing perfume waifed into our noses as she walked down the aisle. Apparently the recession must have forced the airplane companies to make huge budgets cuts. Here is a list of the flight attendents on my plane.

-One guy that was obviously gay kept on bragging about his wife-he is so deep in the closet he can see Narnia. Age:35+

-A guy kept on making lame jokes everytime he was serving food. Age:35+

-Old women that had a musky cat smell. Age 60+

-Old women that walked funny. Age 60+

-Old women that looked like she can fall apart any moment. Age:500+

The plane was full of them!!!! Maybe i will take a boat next time but then again we all know about sailors.

Rare species discovered

2009-05-10T12:07:00.000-07:00

Recently i got the chance to explore the little documented and explored place called the Chinese buffet. There i was able to observe one of the most eluded creatures on earth-able to take human form and convince people that they are human-the morbidly obese. I have finally after years of research found the morbidly obese's watering hole and feeding ground. With plenty sources for food and shelter from the weather, the morbidly obese have found a good place to reside. With no natural predators, they have reproduced at outstanding rates. My research has concluded the humans were once genetically related to the morbidly obese, i saw a human at the Chinese buffet, it was trying to feed on the kunpow chicken that a morbidly obese was trying to feed on too, with one look of the beady eyes, the human scampered off leaving the morbidly obese to feast on its prey. This has led me to the conclusion that the morbidly obese are superior hunters and have natural built defenses that ward off other predators. I actually came in contact with one as it slowly lumbered towards me. It made a sound that sounded like human speech but definitely was not. Here is a transcript."huff huff, are you done huff huff here huff huff?" Being human, i scampered off as the morbidly obese are known to attack humans if provoked.

UP the movie

2009-05-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

OK, just saw the commercial for Up the movie by pixar studios and gotta say,what has the world come to? Go to this website for the plot-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Up_(2009_film). Here we have a childrens film and the main character is a 79 year old pensioner. Every kid watches a movie and then idolises the main character. Which kid in there right state of mind would imagine themselves to be a 79 year old pensioner?

"oh no look, the bad guys are taking over the city"

"look its a bird!"

"no its a plane"

"no its a old guy stuck to balloons!!!!"

"watch out he might hit you with his walking stick"

"why is it raining?"

"i think he peed himself and wait wait ....yep, he crashed."

NOT going to work. Besides, how is the merchandising going to work? Do you want your kids playing with a old man doll? What is it called when children touch old men? Is this movie trying to use reverse psycology and promote pedophilia? However the movie does offer a solution for some of American's social security problems. Lets all tie up the old people, stick them to balloons and they are another countries problem! so what you waiting for? time to raid the retirement home and start filling up the balloons.

Burn my eyes

2009-05-07T19:20:00.000-07:00

In the span of 20 hours when i last blogged about going to the gym, my nipples have tingled so much i might need to see the doctor. So here i am in the locker-room changing into my gym cloths and guess what? a old guy approachs me, probably in his 40's. He was stark naked (not sure if he was human-it really was just a pile of lumpy skin). He puts his right foot on the changing bench and made sure his "little friend" was known. What made it worse was this guy decided it is a nice time to start talking about the weather with me. yep, its looks like its going to be a overcast day with a chance of vomit. To top it all off, he farted. That is the cherry to the icing, the smell of the raw fart without pants to dilute the smell was too much for me and i looked at him. By this time, 3 of the four veins on my face were bulging so he probably knew that he better be going. talk about a windy day(sorry couldnt resist putting in a weather joke).

ok pink was a bad idea

2009-05-07T09:05:00.000-07:00

Ok pink was definately a bad layout design. Changed it to something simple. I'm not fruity! I'm artificial! damn that was a lame joke.

First Post-so much anger!!!!!!

2009-05-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

Hey, welcome to my blog! My names Rhett and i have a rage problem, i have attended numerous anger managment classes but they only made me more angry, sometimes i get horny when i get angry but that is not relevant here. The point is, im pissed and my shrink recommended i write things down to vent my fury. Little things in life pee me off and makes my nipples tingle. I will update this blog everyday as a way for free therapy. Excuse any spelling errors because when i get angry my hands shake and tingling nipples are not a very good sensation to be experiencing.

It's been 4 minutes since i started this blog and already my nipples are tingling. Here i am trying to make a blog about anger and i reach the template page, guess what? its a freaking communist swtting! there is only a few designs that i can choose. So let me see, black...nope thats for emo's. Squares and Circle designs mmmmm let me think, is this a freaking math class???? so what options am i left with? Only one left, and that is pink. I guess since its closest to red and red symbolises anger?. Ok now im here writing and somethings wrong with the page, javascript isn't loading or something and the page keeps on flickering and reloading. What the hell is java script?, last time i checked java was something you get at starbucks! Anyways,gotta go boxing now so im sure something will pee me off at the gym.