Guide to being Street Smart

I read on the newspaper the other day about some guy who worked late and got robbed in a ghetto area of the town. The police then gave handy tips on how to stay safe on the streets like screaming and running etc,etc. Well i think the ideas are stupid as running away screaming like a girl (taken that you are a guy) would only make the assailant more pissed and want to kick your ass. So forget about police advice, follow happyhobo's tips in being street smart and you'd never have to worry about personnel safety again.

Obviously, to avoid getting thugged, you must look and act like a thug and or gangster. Who's ever heard of terrorists blowing up other terrorists? Point proven. Looking like a thug takes a long time to perfect unless your a teenage kid who's been exposed to MTV all your life.

First and foremost is to change the way you talk. DO NOT USE correct grammar and proper English. Depending on what type of thug you want to portray, see example below:

General Thug

DO NOT SPEAK LIKE THIS: Can you please pass me all your monetary notes, and any other things of general value before i stab you with this sharp instrument i am holding. This is so i may finance the cash deficit my business is experiencing?

SPEAK LIKE THIS: Ya f%$# give me da money stuff before i skewer your ass.

Next is to make an appearance change. ditch the business suite and/or designer brand clothes.

Instead, buy clothes 5 times your size. This is especially important if your a guy as baggy pants signify conventional pants cannot fit your "package". Try to acquire weapons such as knives or guns. If said weapons are too expensive for you, then water guns work just fine. One must also look shiny in order to blend in(this is known as bling). Wear as much shiny things as possible so when sunlight hits you, everyone within 5 metres becomes blind.

Acting is also very important in not getting mugged. When walking down the street, try to high five everyone. If your not of a ethnic minority, feel free to give racist tags to everyone around you because its fine-your a ghetto gangster now.

If however none of the above work and you are still getting mugged, dress like an Australian with accent and everything. Also carry a real huge knife. When your about to get mugged, pull out your knife and say "this is a real knife"

Funny pics i found

Quality healthcare

Caption: PORN!!!

Well the world's not going to end. The article was a year old. How'd it end up on current news? blame it on google.

Anyways onto more recent news-today i had to go see the doctor about my brain(i told you I'm crazy) . I walk into the doctors office and he asks me "how am i doing". Well excuse the obvious but if i was well, i wouldn't be here. I mutter a polite good and the normal pleasantries are exchanged. The good doctor then takes out my file and explains to me something in my brain is whacked. However he uses complex scientific terms like maribus petulla and something about a Pilate?(is he asking me to dress in tights and stretch?). I look at him , a drop of saliva hanging by my mouth. He realises his 160+ IQ does not match my 41- IQ so he explains that i need to get a CRT scan done.(Basically microwaving your head). I nod enthusiastically as the last time i had something checked out by a specialist, it was a really really pleasant.

(*flashback)

By pleasant i mean i had to go see a nurse for my health checkup, i enter a room to find a HOT nurse standing there. This hot is the equivalent to a porn star hot for those of you who have watched nurse porn.. Well the checkup is going nicely till she gets out those latex gloves and does the customary pull thingie to make sure its on tight. I say "no no no way" but she says relax and pulls my pants to feel my nether regions. Nothing happened OK? I was disappointed but this is a real story and not a dream!

Back to present times. So i go to the lab for my CRT scan to be greeted by another nurse. She was petite and when she saw me she was looking sideways. i thought awww how cute, she is shy and avoiding eye contact. She told me i needed to have a needle injection. So she preps me up. that's when i realised, she wasn't shy! She was cockeyed. When she looked at me she looked to the side, she was actually looking at me! CONFUSING? and now she's going to stick a needle into me. Poor aiming don't apply as she stufffed up and blood started spurting out. Well fast forward and I'm still alive albeit for a massive bruise from where i took the needle and bruised ego from trying to make eye contact.

Malpractice lawsuit anyone?

End of the world!!!!!

Caption: RAWWWR im hungry and i want to eat the earth !!

According to a article written by a notable newspaper. A group of scientist are planning to build a black hole within earth with some super duper machine from the future. That was the non scientific explanation. If you wanted that even simpler, it means:

WE ARE F$#%ed!

The scientist prepare to recreate the big bang with a mini black hole but other scientists argue that the black whole can grow bigger and eat the whole earth inside out! That means in nine days when they do the experiment-the world could end! Talk about a crappy way to end humanity! Rather than asteroid collision or alien invasion, mankind becomes extinct because a bunch of nerds forgot to add h2O to the equation.

So what now? In nine days, the world could very much end. What to do in nine days to make up for a lifetime? Well first on my list is obviously to get laid. Even god would laugh at me if i make it up to heaven a virgin! Next, i am going to eat as much chocolate and ice cream as possible(better hope the world does end!). Finally i guess i would want to sleep a lot too. Some people say you can sleep all you want when your dead but when your dead and you wake up, do you get morning wood? That's right, I thought no.

Well fellow readers, i guess this could be my final post! I want to say i love you guys...alot....in a sexual way.....only if your female though..... Stay tuned for more info?