Michael Jackson dead!

Latest news - Michael Jackson has died! -
Now this is not the first time that Jackson has reportedly died. So fans don't be heartbroken yet. NO official statement has been confirmed, however if you read the article-it all sounds pretty official now unlike like the ones you get from gossip magazines-"Anorexic Nicole Ritchie FAT???" which i wonder why they always sound startled, maybe all magazine editors are nervous wrecks who are easily startled. Anyways back to Jackson, this just came in so Ive just woken up to facebook with people writing RIP Jackson. I however don't see why everyone is so sad that his dead, at least now, we can see live performances of Thriller without need of makeup. Practically thinking-why did he need all those costumes to cover his identity, maybe he was a zombie in disguise! Jackson's death now leaves many questions to be answered-
1. Who will Eminem rap about now?
2. What happens to his comeback tour?
3. Where will orphans and children who wont be missed go now?
4. Why is there a mole on my right butt cheek?
Only time can answer these questions though i have a solution to number two-wouldn't it be ironic if they turned Netherland ranch into a holiday resort for abused children-sorry couldn't resist that one.

http://news.google.com.au/news?hl=en&q=michael+jackson+dead&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=NflDSuv-D5SCkQWlvdCqDw&sa=X&oi=news_group&ct=title&resnum=810181057
RIP Michael Jackson

Funny Chat Conversations

You like listening to other people talk? A bit of eavesdropping? Well, this post will make you very very happy. The title is self explanatory-
Stranger: Do it, bitch
You: oh yeah , i like to suck that
Stranger: Ahahaha, ew, that's gross :D
You: what? suck a popsicle
Stranger: Oh Right .
You: what were you thinking? dirty!
Stranger: My head was in the gutter
You: tut tut , did it smell bad?
Stranger: I most definatly thought you were talking about lolipops
Stranger: It smelt like ass obviously,
You: lick lick ,not suck
You: you know this is kinda semi erotic lol
Stranger: Ahahaha
You:this is kinda gay,your proabably a guy and so am i, that makes it homo
Stranger: Ahahaha, nah, actually, I'm not
You: so what your a animal? or god?
You: or all of the above?
Stranger: I'm a beast, man
You: you sound like a dude
Stranger: Ahahahha, I don't sound like anything,We're typing
You: we are?
Stranger: Should I type more feminine?
You: yep, things like "wait a second let me do the dishes"
Stranger: Ahahaha, well, I AM, I'm not really sure what YOU'RE doing
You: chuck norris came out of me,i pooped him out.
Stranger: Wow, That's pretty intense
You: not really.
Stranger: That must've hurt
You: i have a huge butt
You: hole to be exact.
Stranger: That's unusual, is it not?
You: not really its what happen when you eat gold for breakfast, you poop big hard stuff
Stranger: Wow, living the fancy life, huh?
You: yeah, dad was a gigolo, mum was was a stripper, profitable business.
You: look how sad i am talking online, proabably to a serial killer
Stranger: You figured me out,Just don't look out your window, I don't like to be seen
You: crap, wheres my shotgun?not again.
Stranger: I saw you start to peek,Don't do it.
You: what am i wearing?
Stranger: You're wearing spandex.Golden. And form-fitting.
You: lol yeah im wearing a gimp suite, but im calling the cops.
Stranger: Ahahaha, what am I going to do, jump through your window and stop you?
You: my window is incased in metal,with bulletproof glass
Stranger: That's okay, I can eat through it. I'm a beast, remember?
You: and a fat hippy hides under the window, try eating the fat hippy, youll die
Stranger: That might be difficult,I'm just gonna use the door, mmkay?
You: and besides, i can always poop a chuck norris,just gotta find some gold
You:however im broke as tom Cruises sperm bank. well not anymore
Stranger: Just eat that f&*king golden spandex you're wearing.
Anyways, the conversation got worse as we talked about pubic hair and stalkers. Hope you found it entertaining you f$#cking stalker!

Interview with a hobo

Some people like collecting stamps as a hobby, others say, love mountain hiking-well my special topic of interest is hobos aka homeless, lazy bums etc. I love these guys. One may argue homelessness is a serious issue but how can you not laugh at a guy with missing teeth, smells like wet dog, dresses like its always summer (i guess that's what all the holes are for-good ventilation) and sings with a voice that is probably better than half of the day one Idol tryouts. I guess hobos are natures clowns-no artificial makeup needed. Usually, their misfortunes in life are always comedic. ie. "ninjas took wife, need money for karate lessons" or the classic "son kidnapped, 98 cents short of ransom". Anyways, I'm meant to be interviewing a hobo here so on to the point:

Me: "Hello sir, do you mind doing a interview for my documentary on homelessness?"

hobo:"do i get paid?"

me:"yes sir, there will be a monetary payment."

hobo:"give me now."

*i give hobo 10 dollars-"here you go sir."

me:"so sir, do you mind telling me your name?"

*pretends to be sleeping.

me:"sir are you OK?"

hobo:"*&^% off!"

me:"sir you promised me a inter...."

hobo:"%$#@ off before i kick your !#@"

Seeing that the hobo looked pretty big for a homeless person-you'd think that homeless people would be small and undernourished, however this was not the case. I moved away to avoid ending up on 6'o'clock news under headline "reporter gets owned by hobo". Now i am 10 dollars less and without a interview.

How to do minimal work at your job (career advice)

I hate working period. Especially working for (insert profanity) bosses who treat you like a slave. Anyways, over the short two years of my work life, i have become the ultimate bosses nightmare! Today, i will share the secrets that made me the professional sleeper that i am today.

1. Drink lots and lots of fluids, thanks to humanitarian rights, the boss cannot stop you from going to the toilet and going to toilet = 5 Minute break.

2. If you work in a team, don't do all the work, only contribute when it is required (when the boss is monitoring you). However you must appear to be making progress and working the hardest. This can be achieved by finding a fellow workmate to leech off. Remember, self preservation is most important.

3. Sleeping on the job is the hardest to achieve, however if you are able to master the following technique, you will be in dreamland and getting paid for it! Hand over forehead method-put your hand over your forehead to appear to be thinking hard and one of your elbows on the desk, by doing so, you look like you are working hard too! This technique requires skills as once asleep you must maintain the form.

4. If your a non-smoker, enjoy company time that allows smoker to smoke outside by rolling up your own fake white cigarette. Go outside and enjoy fresh air!

Hope my tips have helped you achieve your dream promotion while looking young and non-stressed.