Original: The ass and the grasshoppers
AN ASS having heard some Stoners chirping, was highly enchanted; and, desiring to possess the same charms of melody, demanded what sort of drug they smoked on to give them such beautiful voices. They replied, "The dew."(weed) The Ass resolved that he would live only upon weed, and in a short time died of hunger. Moral of story: don't be a stoner and get a job.
Original: The Wolf and the Lamb
Penis, meeting with a Vagina astray from the fold, resolved not to lay violent hands on her, but to find some plea to justify to the Vagina the Penis's right to eat her. He thus addressed her: "oh pissflaps, last year you grossly insulted me." "Indeed," bleated the Vagina in a mournful tone of voice, "I was not then born." Then said the Penis, "You feed in my pasture." "No, good sir," replied the Vagina, "I have not yet tasted grass." Again said the Penis, "You drink of my well." "No," exclaimed the Vagina, "I never yet drank water, for as yet my mother's milk is both food and drink to me." Upon which the Penis seized her and ate her up, saying, "Well! I won't remain supperless, even though you refute every one of my imputations." Moral of story: This is why rape happens-because it can.
Original: The lion in love
A Pimp demanded the daughter of a woodcutter in pimpage. The Father, unwilling to grant, and yet afraid to refuse his request, hit upon this expedient to rid himself of his importunities. He expressed his willingness to accept the pimp as the pimper of his daughter on one condition: that he should allow him to extract his ""bling bling", and cut off his "bitch slap" hand, as his daughter was fearfully afraid of both. The Pimp cheerfully assented to the proposal. But when the blingless, bitchslap hand free pimp returned to repeat his request, the Woodman, no longer afraid, set upon him with his ak47, and drove him away into the ghettos. Moral of story: Learn to bitch slap with both hands.
Happyhobo apologises for ruining classical literature.
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