Human Mating rituals

Walking down the mall today, i see a "?". Well this "?" is hard to describe but upon closer inspection, i discovered the "?" was a guy dressed in women makeup /or a really guy looking girl. Anyways, the "?" got the wrong vibe and thought i was checking the "?" out. So the "?" gave me a "oh bitch you checking me out look?" and proceeded to respond to my frightfully misdirected stare. I'm sure this has happened to you before so Ive compiled a guide to ease the confusion of the mating process helping to avoid awkward encounters and possible man on man action.

For girls:

Make eye contact. Smile, not in a dopey high way unless your target is a hippy but in a "I'm nice girl so now do me kind of way". Man should get signal to approach you. If the guy is shy, beckon him forward with your finger. No man can resist the finger of temptation. If looking for casual sex. Keep on using the finger. Or just spread legs and say vacant space needs filling, Smalls penor need not apply. If its for love, make conversation. During the conversation, make sure you are showing off your best anatomy. Such can be done by folding your arms and pushing up your breasts or bend forward slightly to a 45 degree angle. If going nowhere. Repeat following phrase:

"Girls with asses like mine don't go out with guys with faces like yours."

For guys:

Make gorilla noises and pound your chest. Loudest sound gets the hot chick. Skip making conversation and all that jibber jabber. If girl begins talking, pull out penis and stick into mouth. WARNING: NOT your own mouth. Sometimes, you may face competition. This can be solved by showing your masculinity and dominating all males. In some animal species, the dominant male rapes the weaker male as a show of strength. Same applies here. If going nowhere. Then provoke women to slap you so you can pound her face and say it was self defense. Just kidding-women beating is for cowards but then its what feminists want right? Women are equal remember.

NOW go forth and multiply......or divide......or ask a math teacher to help you out.

Progress in Life

Caption: You must be able to do this by 20 years of age.

I realised there is no standard on how and what you should have done in life by the time you reach certain ages so HappyHobo is going to provide you with some guidance on how to live life.(Why am i talking in third person?)

Age 0 to 1 years-Get born. If you get stuck-your most likely going to become overweight in life. Be able to repeat these simple steps:eat,sleep,poop,repeat.

Age 1-5 years- Learn the basics of humanity such as talking, walking, pooping in civilised places etc etc. Also learn basic human interaction skills and how to have a fit at the shopping mall in order to obtain candy or toys.

Age 5-10 years-bum around. Don't really have to accomplish anything in life.

Age 10-15 years- Begin puberty and growth spurt. If you began before this time, then good for you. choose a class that is going to stick with you till you reach 20. Eg.emo,goth,fag,jock etc etc.

Age 15-20 years-Mature and learn the benefits of alcohol and partying.

Age 20-25 years-More bumming around. decide what you want to do in life but still stick to alcohol and partying. If you have not lost you virginity by the end of this time span. Please find prostitute or become a monk.

Age 25-40 years- Get a real job instead of working at some fast food outlet. Can finally have sex without the condom for "procreation" purposes.

Age 40 - 50 years- Suffer mid life crisis. Learn benefits of Viagra.

Age 50 -70 years-Get old. If you are staying young, there is a problem and go see doctor. Start hating young people and begin using the phrase "back in my days".

Age 70-80 years-Prepare to die or die.

Age 80-100 years: Still not dead?

100+years:Crap, just sit there and rot slowly? Congratulations on making high score list.

Delicious Cooking recipes for family

This post will not teach you how to cook your family. Apologies. This post will however reveal a few secrets in the art of cooking a delicious meal fit for a fat food taster.

Are you sick of the husband that is late for dinner because of "work"? Bored with conventional sandwich lunches? Want something different-below is three delicious recipes sure to get your taste buds crazy!

Recipe one-Exquisite Chocolate desert topped with delicious crusty bread
Make your mouth water?
Ingredients

1. Mars bar or any chocolate bar
2. Two slices of white bread

Instructions

1. Squish chocolate bar between sandwich.

2. Microwave.

3. enjoy melted heaven.

4. Leave our parents basement and learn to cook.

Recipe two-Crispy Spiced duck/pigeon with white rice
Ingredients

1. Bait to capture wild pigeon/duck

2. Capture wild duck or pigeon-the wilder the better-if it contains SARS even better-more flavour you can see!

3. Flour

4.Wasabi

5. Toilet water

6.Sugar

Instructions

1. Notice there is a live/dead bird in front of you. If dead jump to 3.

2. Scream that there is a live bird flapping around your kitchen.

3. Run to butcher to buy chicken breasts.

4. Add layer of wasabi onto breast. Wrap in foil. this is to preserve the moist of a delicious chicken tender. Put into microwave.

5. Dip bits and pieces of flour into toilet water and voila!- homemade rice. it would help if previously you ate real rice and used the toilet. This will ensure your homemade rice retains the beautiful flavours.

6. Taste your creation.

6.5 Order Chinese takeaway or go to hospital.

Recipe three-Braised mushrooms and leek soup

Ingredients

1. Funny coloured mushrooms that are growing in the abandoned house

2.Never heard of leek? its OK-leek is the water that is leaking from the tap. Collect that.

3. Braised? never heard of either, Just ignore that bit.

Instructions

1. Mix funny coloured mushrooms with leek. You can also use the mushrooms your local drug dealer is offering you.

2. Cook with love

3. Get arrested for drug procession or start seeing leprechauns

4. Apply for master chef.

DISCLAIMER(the author of these recipes is definitely not a real sane human let alone a chef so the above recipes ARE NOT safe for human consumption. However if you suffer from constipation..............go watch some South Park.)