Problems in life and how to deal with them: Lesson #1 The persistent boner

I woke up in the middle of the night yesterday and couldn't go to sleep. I needed to pee but I had the most massive erection in the world. It was just there, hard as a rock, immobile. I tried everything I could to get it down- I thought about gore, animals, teletubbies and war; but no matter how hard I tried, the boner would not subside. Hitting critical point I made my way to the toilet in an attempt to complete a feat no man has successfully accomplished yet-peeing with a boner without wasting a drop.


I knew standing in an upright position would not allow me to successfully complete the mission so I thought about sitting on the toilet and peeing like women. Unfortunately my penis would not fit in the toilet. The shower suddenly looked very tempting but cleaning afterwards would not be fun and I might miss a spot. So I did the only thing left in my list of option. I bent down push up style and peed. SUCCESS! The position was at the perfect angle of elevation in comparison to my penis. This meant the degree in which the piss entered the toilet ensured no drops fell victim to gravity and missed. That fellow reader is how you pee with a boner.
PROBLEM SOLVED!

My comic

Happyhobo's Guide to the World: United States Of America

Discovered by Columbians who were searching for some spicy Indian food after getting the munchies, they discovered the United States were full of Indians. These Indians built the Taj Mahal in what is now New York. Rich in culture and theology, the Indians in America now drive all the taxis or run 7/11 stores.

United States is famous for its fine cuisine. A typical American meal consists of lard fried in more lard dipped in fat and cholesterol topped off with some coronary blockage. Only in America can you order a large cheeseburger, fries and a DIET coke. Americans pride in keeping in shape and that is why road speed limits are set at low standards as cars are unable to travel any faster carrying American weight.

All Americans are delivered from the womb carrying 15 rounds of ammo and either a shotgun or a machine gun depending on how big their mother is. The first amendment states that all Americans must be able to shoot terrorists even when intoxicated or under the influence. That is the law and Americans love obeying the law.

America spawned the biggest movie industry in the world called Bollywood. America also spawned many big things like big food, big toilets, and sports for big people. American Football is the only sport where "big" people can excel excluding golf since golf isn’t a sport. Americans also like to drive big trucks and then complain about gas prices.

American education revolves around everything about them. That is why America shortened the name to just "US" as the world is just about America. All Americans have to care about learning is American knowledge; that’s it. Anything else is deemed terrorist propaganda.

Quick facts about America

1. In America, a pizza is delivered faster than an Ambulance call.

2. In America, there are more fat people than there are people.

3. Americans favourite show is Funniest Home Videos and that just consists of an hour of people getting their balls kicked or getting hurt. Quality entertainment!

4. 60% of Americans don't know the sun is a star.

5. 50% can't find America on the globe.

There you go. Currently a world superpower. Says a lot about humanity doesn't it. Next time in happyhobo's guide to the world: China!

Letter to Santa

Since Christmas is about to begin, Happy Hobo has decided to write a letter to Santa in hopes of getting nice presents for this year.
Dear Santa,
How are you? We haven't spoke for a year and I tried adding you on facebook but you never replied. Anyways, I would just like you to know I have behaved very very well this year. I didn't look at any boobie pictures, stopped touching myself and studied so hard I got all C's at school! I even volunteered to help an elderly person which is saying a lot since I'm scared of old people.

I must say I was slightly disappointed last year when I was hoping for a brand new Porsche and naked women as presents but got a pair of socks and a tie. That’s ok, this year I've worked even harder than last year. I even managed to get some special ingredients for the brownies and cookies I'm planning to cook for you from a Jamaican guy on the streets. Unfortunately, I won't be able to supply milk since I'm lactose intolerant so I'll just leave a carton of beer for you.
Well, this year, I guess this is my wish list. Please don't disappoint me.

Happy hobo’s wish list

1. Angry Angus Burger

2. A real girlfriend

3. An intergalactic LOW space orbit ion cannon

4. Cherry flavoured condoms

5. For my dog to stop having AIDS.

6. A new Michael Jackson song.

That is all. I've made renovations on my house by installing a Chimney just for you. Hope to see you soon!

Love XOXOXOXOXOXO
Happy hobo

Happy Hobo's eating Achievements.

The day has come where we sum up all HappyHobo's eating achievements in one blog post. Be prepared to be wowed and amazed at the amazing eating abilities of HappyHobo!

Most Burgers Eaten In One Sitting:
6 burgers- 2 Double layered Cheeseburgers plus four normal cheeseburgers. Ate dinner at 6 that night but got hungry after watching 300 at 8 and went on to consume 6 burgers plus a coke and a packet of chips. Heart attack here I come.

Most Pizza Consumed in One Sitting.
1 large Papa John's pizza by myself. Just to give international readers a idea of how big an American pizza is. The large Pizza in Australia is only considered a medium pizza in the US. Reason i consumed it was not out of hunger but because a fagot friend of mine got a misplaced order and didn't get his pizza so everyone gave him a slice. I didn't because I am a cheap ass and wanted to teach him a lesson so i consumed it all just to not look bad.

Most constipated diet
When I was working at a camp, we just got fed carbohydrates to keep us fed and full instead of providing nutrients. So as you can imagine, we went into labour and anal hemorrhaging everyday at 7am.

Favourite Place to Eat
I perform best in Chinese buffets eating an average of 3-4 full plates and the maximum being 5 plates. The secret is to not eat the fried food at the start in order to maximise stomach storage and don't drink water as fried food + water = expansion.

Most food consumed in one sitting
Consumption is as follows:
2 large bowls of rice.
1 bowl of dumpling
5 chicken drumsticks
1/4 kg of various meats
2 plates of vegetables
i cereal bowl of icecream
1 plate of desert.

Need to use toilet now. Catch yall later...........