Don't feed your dog steroids please

Everyone loves dogs-mans best friend-or is it really mans best friend? I thought the penis was a man's best friend. Anyways back to the point, its Saturday morning and I'm trying to enjoy a stroll through the park, 20 metres away is a skinny women with a huge dog, when i say huge, i mean you can probably put some make-up on it and put it into a Lord Of the Rings movie with the Dark Lord riding this thing. Immediately i wonder how you walk a dog that size without it walking you. Then i noticed the dog wasn't leashed. The dog looked at me, i looked at it. Normally I am not afraid of dogs, but when a dog that looks like a sumo on four legs starts charging at you at high speeds, thats a different story. Recalling watching a TV show about dogs, i froze dead in my tracks hoping the dogs vision was like stripper vision, and if i turn inanimate it won't see me. 10 metres......5 metres....moment of impact......

Expecting the dog to run around me in circles or whatever dogs do when they see people, my expectation was cut short when i lost full feeling in my right leg. The stupid dog had charged at me and instead of veering off it smashed facefirst onto my kneecap. The owner seeing that her dog couldnt walk straight called out its name. By now the dog was walking in a drunk fashion but finally decided a bird was more interesting than me. The owner did not bother to even apologise. Moral of this story-don't worry about leashes if you have a big dog, instead consider investing in a tranquilizer gun.

The recession.

"The economy is bad, wahh wahh wahhh", "i lost my job wahh wahh wahh". These are tough times to live in but stop complaining for heavens sake! Life's a b#tch-period. At least you are still alive. I turn on the news and see a interview between a journalist and a family suffering economic crisis. Below is the transcript or something close to it.

"so how has the recession affected you?."

"its the little things you feel the most like changing wholegrain wheat bread for plain white bread."

I want to slap her in the face. At least you have something to eat! If you really are struggling and suffering a crisis, follow my list of money saving tips!

-Don't shower, instead wait for it to rain and use leaves as soap. That way you get a natural smell. This might be a problem in dry countries, in this case just don't shower.

-Save money on candles by collecting earwax.

-next time you see a stray dog, take it home, be nice to it, feed it lots-its a investment!

-the above one is sick, don't follow it,instead, do it on a cat.

-make more money by cutting your notes in half and then complaining that it is damaged at the bank to get two notes for one!-wait that was a really smart idea!

-do you enjoy shows such as Cops or Family Guy? Save money on television by running from the police or doing really stupid things and you can see them real time!.

-can't afford to go out on dates or maintiaining a relationship? Ditch your current significant other, go online and buy yourself a russian bride or groom for a one off payment.

-keep on reading this blog for free happiness rather than having to pay for it at the massage pa lour and going on dates.

Zombies

Scientific fact-people who drive slowly also have slow brains. That makes me think-what if they really are zombies? What if the grandpa driving at slow speeds already has a expired birth certificate?

Proof 1-You see a slow driver, you can't overtake them so what do you do? You use an arsenal of profanities yet what happens? No response. Zombies are known to not make any response to sounds as they are deaf.

Proof 2-The driver has a concentrated stare-a daze type of look,why? zombies are stupid period.
Proof 3-OK I'm struggling here, but the above two mentioned proofs should be enough to convince you. Stop questioning my observations OK? I'm trying to save you here.

So in conclusion,next time you see a slow driver,get out your shotgun and take off its head. I mean,if you cant drive at human speeds, you are either a zombie or a wimp,either way you deserve to get you head taken off.

Mile High Club

Having just got back from the US, i got to say, my plane trip sucked. Not only was the food horrendous, there was no pillows etc etc etc. However all that did not matter, the worst thing that i just couldn't get over was the fact that all the flight attendants were old enough to be my grandma. What happened to the good ole days when men enjoyed the service of young pretty flight attendants, when men used to ask if they can have their nuts warmed, roasted not toasted. When the appealing perfume waifed into our noses as she walked down the aisle. Apparently the recession must have forced the airplane companies to make huge budgets cuts. Here is a list of the flight attendents on my plane.

-One guy that was obviously gay kept on bragging about his wife-he is so deep in the closet he can see Narnia. Age:35+

-A guy kept on making lame jokes everytime he was serving food. Age:35+

-Old women that had a musky cat smell. Age 60+

-Old women that walked funny. Age 60+

-Old women that looked like she can fall apart any moment. Age:500+

The plane was full of them!!!! Maybe i will take a boat next time but then again we all know about sailors.

Rare species discovered

Recently i got the chance to explore the little documented and explored place called the Chinese buffet. There i was able to observe one of the most eluded creatures on earth-able to take human form and convince people that they are human-the morbidly obese. I have finally after years of research found the morbidly obese's watering hole and feeding ground. With plenty sources for food and shelter from the weather, the morbidly obese have found a good place to reside. With no natural predators, they have reproduced at outstanding rates. My research has concluded the humans were once genetically related to the morbidly obese, i saw a human at the Chinese buffet, it was trying to feed on the kunpow chicken that a morbidly obese was trying to feed on too, with one look of the beady eyes, the human scampered off leaving the morbidly obese to feast on its prey. This has led me to the conclusion that the morbidly obese are superior hunters and have natural built defenses that ward off other predators. I actually came in contact with one as it slowly lumbered towards me. It made a sound that sounded like human speech but definitely was not. Here is a transcript."huff huff, are you done huff huff here huff huff?" Being human, i scampered off as the morbidly obese are known to attack humans if provoked.

UP the movie

OK, just saw the commercial for Up the movie by pixar studios and gotta say,what has the world come to? Go to this website for the plot-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Up_(2009_film). Here we have a childrens film and the main character is a 79 year old pensioner. Every kid watches a movie and then idolises the main character. Which kid in there right state of mind would imagine themselves to be a 79 year old pensioner?

"oh no look, the bad guys are taking over the city"

"look its a bird!"

"no its a plane"

"no its a old guy stuck to balloons!!!!"

"watch out he might hit you with his walking stick"

"why is it raining?"

"i think he peed himself and wait wait ....yep, he crashed."

NOT going to work. Besides, how is the merchandising going to work? Do you want your kids playing with a old man doll? What is it called when children touch old men? Is this movie trying to use reverse psycology and promote pedophilia? However the movie does offer a solution for some of American's social security problems. Lets all tie up the old people, stick them to balloons and they are another countries problem! so what you waiting for? time to raid the retirement home and start filling up the balloons.

Burn my eyes

In the span of 20 hours when i last blogged about going to the gym, my nipples have tingled so much i might need to see the doctor. So here i am in the locker-room changing into my gym cloths and guess what? a old guy approachs me, probably in his 40's. He was stark naked (not sure if he was human-it really was just a pile of lumpy skin). He puts his right foot on the changing bench and made sure his "little friend" was known. What made it worse was this guy decided it is a nice time to start talking about the weather with me. yep, its looks like its going to be a overcast day with a chance of vomit. To top it all off, he farted. That is the cherry to the icing, the smell of the raw fart without pants to dilute the smell was too much for me and i looked at him. By this time, 3 of the four veins on my face were bulging so he probably knew that he better be going. talk about a windy day(sorry couldnt resist putting in a weather joke).

ok pink was a bad idea

Ok pink was definately a bad layout design. Changed it to something simple. I'm not fruity! I'm artificial! damn that was a lame joke.

First Post-so much anger!!!!!!

Hey, welcome to my blog! My names Rhett and i have a rage problem, i have attended numerous anger managment classes but they only made me more angry, sometimes i get horny when i get angry but that is not relevant here. The point is, im pissed and my shrink recommended i write things down to vent my fury. Little things in life pee me off and makes my nipples tingle. I will update this blog everyday as a way for free therapy. Excuse any spelling errors because when i get angry my hands shake and tingling nipples are not a very good sensation to be experiencing.

It's been 4 minutes since i started this blog and already my nipples are tingling. Here i am trying to make a blog about anger and i reach the template page, guess what? its a freaking communist swtting! there is only a few designs that i can choose. So let me see, black...nope thats for emo's. Squares and Circle designs mmmmm let me think, is this a freaking math class???? so what options am i left with? Only one left, and that is pink. I guess since its closest to red and red symbolises anger?. Ok now im here writing and somethings wrong with the page, javascript isn't loading or something and the page keeps on flickering and reloading. What the hell is java script?, last time i checked java was something you get at starbucks! Anyways,gotta go boxing now so im sure something will pee me off at the gym.