Human Mating rituals

Walking down the mall today, i see a "?". Well this "?" is hard to describe but upon closer inspection, i discovered the "?" was a guy dressed in women makeup /or a really guy looking girl. Anyways, the "?" got the wrong vibe and thought i was checking the "?" out. So the "?" gave me a "oh bitch you checking me out look?" and proceeded to respond to my frightfully misdirected stare. I'm sure this has happened to you before so Ive compiled a guide to ease the confusion of the mating process helping to avoid awkward encounters and possible man on man action.

For girls:

Make eye contact. Smile, not in a dopey high way unless your target is a hippy but in a "I'm nice girl so now do me kind of way". Man should get signal to approach you. If the guy is shy, beckon him forward with your finger. No man can resist the finger of temptation. If looking for casual sex. Keep on using the finger. Or just spread legs and say vacant space needs filling, Smalls penor need not apply. If its for love, make conversation. During the conversation, make sure you are showing off your best anatomy. Such can be done by folding your arms and pushing up your breasts or bend forward slightly to a 45 degree angle. If going nowhere. Repeat following phrase:

"Girls with asses like mine don't go out with guys with faces like yours."

For guys:

Make gorilla noises and pound your chest. Loudest sound gets the hot chick. Skip making conversation and all that jibber jabber. If girl begins talking, pull out penis and stick into mouth. WARNING: NOT your own mouth. Sometimes, you may face competition. This can be solved by showing your masculinity and dominating all males. In some animal species, the dominant male rapes the weaker male as a show of strength. Same applies here. If going nowhere. Then provoke women to slap you so you can pound her face and say it was self defense. Just kidding-women beating is for cowards but then its what feminists want right? Women are equal remember.

NOW go forth and multiply......or divide......or ask a math teacher to help you out.

Creative ways to die

Everyone wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die. So when the time does come-how do you want to go? Here are some interesting deaths that has happened and can happen?

1.Dieing by sex-very manly way to go. Suffer heart-attack whatever. Having sex automatically puts you above 99 percent of the Internet population who aren't even getting any.

2. Die laughing- Made possible by some guy who couldn't stop laughing at a TV show. Proves TV does kill braincells and even lives.

3. Die by time machine. That's right, go back and have sex with your mother. TIME CONTINUUM PARADOX. What a way to go.

4. Crushed to death by war elephant. How many people can proclaim that at a funeral? Not a elephant- a mother f%$cking war elephant.

5. Getting hit by a space object. It could be a meteor, alien ship,space junk or even nasa sattelites.... Walking down the street and is that a plane?is that superman? no its a meteor coming straight for me. WOW sooo shiny, im just going to stand here and watch the shiny light *dribbles saliva.

6. Die by ownage. Dress like a terrorist then find the most redneck bar in America and shout die infidels. Then wait for sweet heaven.

7.Die by hunting. You can either hang out with Dick Cheney or dress like a animal and run around the woods during hunting season.

8.Die by collision with the moon. I mean, once you reach a certain weight, theoretically, you will get your gravitational pull. So eat junk food for 1000 years to reach epic proportions. Then wait as the moon crashes into you.

9. Last but not least die by the cross. That's right. Die on a cross then come back. (that makes Jesus a zombie!!!) The most epic way to die.

Well, don't try these at home boys and girls. Wait, the disclaimer goes at the start?

Progress in Life

Caption: You must be able to do this by 20 years of age.

I realised there is no standard on how and what you should have done in life by the time you reach certain ages so HappyHobo is going to provide you with some guidance on how to live life.(Why am i talking in third person?)

Age 0 to 1 years-Get born. If you get stuck-your most likely going to become overweight in life. Be able to repeat these simple steps:eat,sleep,poop,repeat.

Age 1-5 years- Learn the basics of humanity such as talking, walking, pooping in civilised places etc etc. Also learn basic human interaction skills and how to have a fit at the shopping mall in order to obtain candy or toys.

Age 5-10 years-bum around. Don't really have to accomplish anything in life.

Age 10-15 years- Begin puberty and growth spurt. If you began before this time, then good for you. choose a class that is going to stick with you till you reach 20. Eg.emo,goth,fag,jock etc etc.

Age 15-20 years-Mature and learn the benefits of alcohol and partying.

Age 20-25 years-More bumming around. decide what you want to do in life but still stick to alcohol and partying. If you have not lost you virginity by the end of this time span. Please find prostitute or become a monk.

Age 25-40 years- Get a real job instead of working at some fast food outlet. Can finally have sex without the condom for "procreation" purposes.

Age 40 - 50 years- Suffer mid life crisis. Learn benefits of Viagra.

Age 50 -70 years-Get old. If you are staying young, there is a problem and go see doctor. Start hating young people and begin using the phrase "back in my days".

Age 70-80 years-Prepare to die or die.

Age 80-100 years: Still not dead?

100+years:Crap, just sit there and rot slowly? Congratulations on making high score list.

Girlfriend specification

Getting a girlfriend is like getting a computer. For all you computer savvy out there, happy hobo is going to help you find the perfect girlfriend based on your daily needs.

When choosing a girlfriend, you must decide what you need her for; will she be a gaming girlfriend for social playing? Maybe a working girlfriend needed for job related tasks? She might just be a home girlfriend doing everyday tasks. Below is a set of minimum specifications needed to help you choose the perfect girlfriend.

Gaming Girlfriend
Manufacturer: Satan
Model: Gaming A100
Processor Speed: Single core 1 GHz (gaming girlfriends do not require high thinking speed as it makes it easier for you to trick them and they probably won’t remember it.)
Memory: 2mb (See above)
DVD/CD-drive: 1000x CD 500x DVD (all gaming girlfriends are good for. Require fast drive for your pleasure. Obviously DVD is slower because it’s smaller and probably will hurt the gaming computer. Make sure she cleans her DVD drive before you stick it in.)
Storage: 80 GB (Does not have enough space for baby. Can only store basic programs aka jizz etc)
Audio: Sound card +subwoofers (for audio pleasure)
Ports and misc items: 2xpower storage, 1 USB port, eye candy LCD screen.
Software and operation system: Vista, partying v3.0, sleeping v3.0, eating v3.0, sexytime v3.0
Overall Summary: Gaming girlfriends are only good for one thing-gaming. Other than that, it is just a waste of power and money as the gaming computer is known to be very expensive to maintain.


Work Girlfriend
Manufacturer: God
Model: Working A100

Processor speed: Quad Core core 6 GHz (working girlfriends require high thinking speeds in order to be productive.)

Memory: 8 GB (Must be able to multi task in order to be successful)

DVD/CD-drive: 4x CD 0x DVD (Working girlfriends do not come with a DVD drive. Basic CD drive is very slow)

Storage: 160 GB (Has space for baby though not recommended as it can slow working computer down. Can store useful programs and other stuff needed for your working needs)

Audio: Sound card (basic sound)

Ports and misc items: 2xpower storage, 1 USB port, (USB port is known not to recept to incoming signals)

Software and operation system: XP, sleeping v1.0, eating v1.0, office v3.0.
Overall Summary: Working girlfriends are very productive. Despite its productivity, the user may find it hard to engage in social gaming activities. Working computers come usually come with warranty (degrees and diplomas) so you can be sure your getting your value's worth.

Home Girlfriend
Manufacturer: Oprah Winfrey

Model: Home b1000
Processor speed: Dual core 1.8 GHz (Need average thinking power in order to complete daily tasks. Can lower thinking speed if you wish to get another girlfriend.)

Memory: 1 GB (See above)

DVD/CD-drive: 50x CD 50x DVD (cd drive is good for basic "burning and copying files". DVD drive may move fast if you’re lucky and you ask nicely)

Storage: 500GB (Can store everything you need. Able to store multiple babies)
Audio: nothing (for your safety, sound card has been removed to avoid nagging)

Ports and misc items: 2xpower storage, 1 USB port.

Software and operation system: Linux, Cleaning v3.0, Super Cleaner V3.0, Super cooker V8.0

Overall Summary: Home girlfriend is known to contract viruses is left home alone for extended periods of time.

What has blogging taught me

Well after 4 months of blogging, I have learnt many things. Well no not really, I haven't learnt anything but at least it sounds like I'm making progress.

I guess these points helped me realise something.

1. Blogging will not pay you. Originally I wanted to blog just so I can write down the weird stuff that I experience. Then I realised people were making money from it, then I realised that no, only a select few make money, then I realised I had mayonnaise on my shirt and attempted to lick it off.

2. Blogging is only half the battle, getting people to read it was much more difficult. I had to become a ewhore and whore myself onto forums and other whatnot in order to get other bloggers to read my stuff. Kinda like an exchange, I kick your back, you kick mine.... (Kick?????)

3. In order for crap to happen to me, I must first move in order to get crap done to me. That was the first mistake at the start of me blogging. Id just sit in my chair waiting for stuff to happen but according to happy hobos first law-for shit to happen to you, you must first party naked. So off I went to the real world. I even to move(something I don't like doing)! Although that did burn off some calories.

Well, my next goal is to get a domain name so search engines can find me easier. But in order to do that, I would need money. Well good readers-if you have any extra change feel free to donate to me. If you’re old and senile, also feel free to "contribute" and "invest" in this blog because I promise you, my bank in Nigeria will make you a millionaire in a short 1 month. Feel free to also comment on my blog posts, you can do it anonymously if you want to yell abuse at me.
From now on, i'm also going to improve the quality of my articles so it sounds more professional. (Ha-ha yeah right). Please bear with reworded articles and fixed spelling and grammar problems. (Thank god for spell-check).

Anyways, you guys be good and have a great day!

My Own Song

Caption: Looking constipated is a face most singers make

Back in my days when Pluto was still a planet, lots of music artist made it big time with their good voices and poetic lyrics. Nowadays, I guess you just sleep with a producer and instant stardom!!! Thanks to digital enhancement, anybody can be a star as long as you have the looks and charisma to pull it off. Lyrics begin talking about going bonkers, a song about paparazzi (wtf?), and a song about fast food? What next, are they going to start singing about going shopping next? It’s ok though, as always, happy hobo’s blog will provide the next top chart hitting song. Well just the lyrics at least; Id sing it myself though I sound like a person whose just inhaled lots of helium with a nasal twang and a lisp also suffering a bad case of tourettes.
I like them real bouncy by Happy Hobo.

(Imagine to the tune of Basshunter I can walk on water)

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA One day when I was
Walking
I saw a beautiful
f^$&ing nice big round bouncy
Ass
Is this a dream from smoking
grass?

I couldn’t believe what
Id seen
I was really
really keen
now i cant find words
that rhyme
this song must finish
in time
Repeat 9000 times.