Michael Jackson dead!

Latest news - Michael Jackson has died! -
Now this is not the first time that Jackson has reportedly died. So fans don't be heartbroken yet. NO official statement has been confirmed, however if you read the article-it all sounds pretty official now unlike like the ones you get from gossip magazines-"Anorexic Nicole Ritchie FAT???" which i wonder why they always sound startled, maybe all magazine editors are nervous wrecks who are easily startled. Anyways back to Jackson, this just came in so Ive just woken up to facebook with people writing RIP Jackson. I however don't see why everyone is so sad that his dead, at least now, we can see live performances of Thriller without need of makeup. Practically thinking-why did he need all those costumes to cover his identity, maybe he was a zombie in disguise! Jackson's death now leaves many questions to be answered-
1. Who will Eminem rap about now?
2. What happens to his comeback tour?
3. Where will orphans and children who wont be missed go now?
4. Why is there a mole on my right butt cheek?
Only time can answer these questions though i have a solution to number two-wouldn't it be ironic if they turned Netherland ranch into a holiday resort for abused children-sorry couldn't resist that one.

http://news.google.com.au/news?hl=en&q=michael+jackson+dead&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=NflDSuv-D5SCkQWlvdCqDw&sa=X&oi=news_group&ct=title&resnum=810181057
RIP Michael Jackson

Funny Chat Conversations

You like listening to other people talk? A bit of eavesdropping? Well, this post will make you very very happy. The title is self explanatory-
Stranger: Do it, bitch
You: oh yeah , i like to suck that
Stranger: Ahahaha, ew, that's gross :D
You: what? suck a popsicle
Stranger: Oh Right .
You: what were you thinking? dirty!
Stranger: My head was in the gutter
You: tut tut , did it smell bad?
Stranger: I most definatly thought you were talking about lolipops
Stranger: It smelt like ass obviously,
You: lick lick ,not suck
You: you know this is kinda semi erotic lol
Stranger: Ahahaha
You:this is kinda gay,your proabably a guy and so am i, that makes it homo
Stranger: Ahahaha, nah, actually, I'm not
You: so what your a animal? or god?
You: or all of the above?
Stranger: I'm a beast, man
You: you sound like a dude
Stranger: Ahahahha, I don't sound like anything,We're typing
You: we are?
Stranger: Should I type more feminine?
You: yep, things like "wait a second let me do the dishes"
Stranger: Ahahaha, well, I AM, I'm not really sure what YOU'RE doing
You: chuck norris came out of me,i pooped him out.
Stranger: Wow, That's pretty intense
You: not really.
Stranger: That must've hurt
You: i have a huge butt
You: hole to be exact.
Stranger: That's unusual, is it not?
You: not really its what happen when you eat gold for breakfast, you poop big hard stuff
Stranger: Wow, living the fancy life, huh?
You: yeah, dad was a gigolo, mum was was a stripper, profitable business.
You: look how sad i am talking online, proabably to a serial killer
Stranger: You figured me out,Just don't look out your window, I don't like to be seen
You: crap, wheres my shotgun?not again.
Stranger: I saw you start to peek,Don't do it.
You: what am i wearing?
Stranger: You're wearing spandex.Golden. And form-fitting.
You: lol yeah im wearing a gimp suite, but im calling the cops.
Stranger: Ahahaha, what am I going to do, jump through your window and stop you?
You: my window is incased in metal,with bulletproof glass
Stranger: That's okay, I can eat through it. I'm a beast, remember?
You: and a fat hippy hides under the window, try eating the fat hippy, youll die
Stranger: That might be difficult,I'm just gonna use the door, mmkay?
You: and besides, i can always poop a chuck norris,just gotta find some gold
You:however im broke as tom Cruises sperm bank. well not anymore
Stranger: Just eat that f&*king golden spandex you're wearing.
Anyways, the conversation got worse as we talked about pubic hair and stalkers. Hope you found it entertaining you f$#cking stalker!

Interview with a hobo

Some people like collecting stamps as a hobby, others say, love mountain hiking-well my special topic of interest is hobos aka homeless, lazy bums etc. I love these guys. One may argue homelessness is a serious issue but how can you not laugh at a guy with missing teeth, smells like wet dog, dresses like its always summer (i guess that's what all the holes are for-good ventilation) and sings with a voice that is probably better than half of the day one Idol tryouts. I guess hobos are natures clowns-no artificial makeup needed. Usually, their misfortunes in life are always comedic. ie. "ninjas took wife, need money for karate lessons" or the classic "son kidnapped, 98 cents short of ransom". Anyways, I'm meant to be interviewing a hobo here so on to the point:

Me: "Hello sir, do you mind doing a interview for my documentary on homelessness?"

hobo:"do i get paid?"

me:"yes sir, there will be a monetary payment."

hobo:"give me now."

*i give hobo 10 dollars-"here you go sir."

me:"so sir, do you mind telling me your name?"

*pretends to be sleeping.

me:"sir are you OK?"

hobo:"*&^% off!"

me:"sir you promised me a inter...."

hobo:"%$#@ off before i kick your !#@"

Seeing that the hobo looked pretty big for a homeless person-you'd think that homeless people would be small and undernourished, however this was not the case. I moved away to avoid ending up on 6'o'clock news under headline "reporter gets owned by hobo". Now i am 10 dollars less and without a interview.

How to do minimal work at your job (career advice)

I hate working period. Especially working for (insert profanity) bosses who treat you like a slave. Anyways, over the short two years of my work life, i have become the ultimate bosses nightmare! Today, i will share the secrets that made me the professional sleeper that i am today.

1. Drink lots and lots of fluids, thanks to humanitarian rights, the boss cannot stop you from going to the toilet and going to toilet = 5 Minute break.

2. If you work in a team, don't do all the work, only contribute when it is required (when the boss is monitoring you). However you must appear to be making progress and working the hardest. This can be achieved by finding a fellow workmate to leech off. Remember, self preservation is most important.

3. Sleeping on the job is the hardest to achieve, however if you are able to master the following technique, you will be in dreamland and getting paid for it! Hand over forehead method-put your hand over your forehead to appear to be thinking hard and one of your elbows on the desk, by doing so, you look like you are working hard too! This technique requires skills as once asleep you must maintain the form.

4. If your a non-smoker, enjoy company time that allows smoker to smoke outside by rolling up your own fake white cigarette. Go outside and enjoy fresh air!

Hope my tips have helped you achieve your dream promotion while looking young and non-stressed.

20 year old virgin

World's most famous virgin.

Its true now, i have hit the halfway milestone to a Hollywood movie made about me. I am a virgin. Not as in oil, but a real virgin-i have never conducted any sexual activity of any type. Are you shocked? Are you laughing at me? Are you surprised? Now don't get me wrong, i really really like human females, its just not my fault that i have been blessed with a female repellent. From the tender mating age of 16, everything i have done has warded the opposite sex away from me. From going out for the first time, and stepping on dog poop; to getting sick and vomiting when "hanging out", my chances at spreading the love has decreased to zero. Some may say-"its OK, you can just lose your virginity to your one and only love when you are married!". Considering there are around 6,783,421,727 people on this earth, and only one true love-I'm screwed overtime. Tracing back to my heritage, my grandpa was a pimp. He always had ladies around. However i seem not to have gotten any useful genes from him. Cupid, please stay off the alcohol and aim better.
From now on, this blog will include a prude meter on the side bar, when i am close to losing my virginity, the number will go towards 100, any number above 90 will warrant a post and details on what happened. should the number hit 100-it means touchdown!

The sex test part 2

10.00am- leave for gym. Johnny Boy enters hibernation as cold weather surrounds me. Reach the warmth of the gym, Johnny Boy still very shy and sleepy from hibernation.

SEXPOINTS -2

10.16am-Go inside the gym. Suddenly pictures of perfect female bodies surround me, hot women in tight gym clothes strut past me. Johnny boy starts getting very very excited and restless. I make my way to gym change room. Smell of sweat and huge male bodies surround me. Johnny boy sends message to brain-"hurry up, lets get outta here, i want to seeeeee". With only enough blood to pump either the brain or Johnny boy i make haste and start working out in good view of the exercise machines with all the hot women on them. As i am lifting, i cannot focus, i watch as the rear sides and breasts bounce up and down, up and down. As if in slow motionnnnnn. I try not to look but by now Johnny boy had committed mutiny and controlled the entire body. What wasn't helping was the techno music being played and the videos of hot babes in even skinnier clothing. Brain enters damage control and starts imagining pictures of poo and other things that makes me puke. Luckily i have great imagination and johnny boy is forced back into line.

SEXPOINTS +150

fast forward..........nothing exciting......unless you want to hear about my toilet habits..............
5.00pm- Go play tennis. What can i say, Johnny boy gains some weight and it really is hard running around with Johnny boy hitting my legs. Should have worn better underpants. NO hot girls playing tennis today, only a bunch of old men.

SEXPOINTS -10

8.00pm- turn on Internet. I must have got a virus from *cough ahem using google because naked women pictures keep popping up.

SEXPOINTS +15

I feel like i have just written a report. But i guess this is all the sex exposed to me in one single day. By the end of the day, my hand starts to look really sexy to me ;) (im going to have sex with it)

The sex test part. 1

Today at the mall, i realised something really interesting. I did not notice this until today but there is so much sex and lust in today's society that there is enough for you to just stop there and do whatever you do when you are aroused, no wonder Borat couldn't control himself! Maybe you've realised it, maybe not but i am going to conduct a sex test and see how much sex i am exposed to in one single day. I will refer to my male anatomy as Johnny boy.

8am-Wake up,as soon as i lift my head,i see picture of half naked chicks on the wall(not chickens by the way,I'm not into that stuff!). I already have morning wood so this picture makes no difference. SEXPOINTS+1

9am-eating breakfast,reading newspaper. See advertisement for bras and hot women models. Johnny boy gets a little excited but not enough for him to move too much. I focus on picture of the three rice bubble gnomes or whatever they are. Immediately Johnny goes back to sleep. New feeling takes place-anger. The three things pee me off with their shrill voices and jumping around.

SEXPOINTS +3

9.30am-Watch TV. Watch documentary on discovery channel about insect mating habits. Johnny boy is angry and wants to leave. (remember i told you, i am not into that stuff.)

SEXPOINTS -2

10.00am-Leave for gym...................................... TO be continued in next post.

So far in the two hours i have been awake,i have already been aroused twice. I am heterosexual so homosexual results may differ for all the scientists out there.