Last Rant

Unfortunately, like all good things in this world, this blog must come to an end. This will be my last blog post on Rants From Worlds Smartest Monkey. Please do not cry, your making it worse. I am unable to continue ranting as i have been diagnosed with .................... Vaginal Rash. I was surprised too when the indian doctor said it, he said it quite quick so at first i assumed he was calling me Vajay Raj but alas it was not so. Now i have to live with the ugly burden of having vaginal rash. Since vaginal rash prevents me from typing sentences as i have to constantly scratch, my blog has been ended with a career ending injury.


To all the readers that stuck with me through the good times and the bad times, I thank you.  Now to the future. What will happen to happyhobo now? Will he find a job? Will he become rich? Will he cure his vaginal rash? Find out in the next episode of "The young and the happyhobo"

tips on life

Listen civilian, heres a tip to help you save money.

When your buying items from a small business. Try to chat up the owner, if you do so, the owner is likely to give you a discount.

Also, my boner for you is instant.

Prostitute Experience

I cheated on my hand last night. To celebrate a special event, me and my friend headed to a brothel to get some sticky yicky. We arrived at the place of pleasure around dinner time and got buzzed in. As soon as we walked in, standing in front of us was a huge FUCKING gorilla aka bouncer. Business wise, why would you put a alpha male animal to greet people? There goes all my sex drive. A lady emerged from behind him to greet us-old and too much obvious makeup. She leads us into a viewing room. There was hardcore porn playing in front of us and we sat around waiting for the ladies. It was awkward because I did not want to get a boner before i saw real boobies. The old lady asked if i wanted anything to drink and i made a lame joke about just being here to do my job. Laughs all around albeit awkward. The lineup comes and the girls greet us individually. Its really freaking dark in the viewing room and i can see shit. So i choose this tight looking girl. We pay up and are led into the rooms.

She tells me i must pass penis exam, she looks at my dick and tries to spot any stds. Like "finding wally" only its called finding red dots. PASS. So she tells me to shower and she will get ready. This room is even darker than the viewing room and i literally have to strain to look around. I wash my asscrack in the shower and wait for her on the bed. She comes back with some condoms and lubricant. We start chatting bullshit and shes asks me if i want massage first then sex or sex first then massage. I tell her massage first since i want to chillax so i lie down on my back. She takes off her clothes to expose firm breasts and neat looking vagina; kinda like buzz cut haircut. Puts all this lubricant on me and rubs me up. I instantly think of that scene in year one where Cera is massaging oil onto that gay priest. Feels good man.

Shes asks me if im ready? "Since the first day i was born". She slips on a condom and made sure it stuck on properly. She makes a joke about not wanting kids with me. Well fuck, your a prostitute so your not exactly prime genetic material either. The session begins with blowing me even though i cant feel shit since the condom is on pretty tight and cutting off blood flow. I got the urge to tell my sex ed teacher to fuck himself because wearing a condom SUCKS ANUS BALLS yet its still better than dying of aids. I tell her to stop and get ready. I lie down and she inserts herself onto me. Once again i cant feel shit. We rides me but you can probably get more energy and enthusiasm from a dead horse. Do  i need to mention I CANT FEEL SHIT. Im not cumming and i told her make me cum. She shares some inside whore knowledge that men can cum quickly doggy style. So i do her doggy style. My thingies falls out and since i cant feel shit i cant tell whether its in or not, that compounded with low light made me rage pretty hard. Sex is pretty tiring. One of my legs start cramping; you can see in the mirror one muscle tensing up. No joke, its a weird sensation trying to orgasm yet your leg is in spasm pain. We change postions. I ask her if i can lick her "breasts".I wanted to say titties but didnt want it to sound degrading. Mmmm tastes just like milk. Still no good and we root for 10 more minutes. I cant feel shit. In the end, I had to use my special technique to jizz.

Being the biggest tightarse on earth, I use the remaining time for another massage. I shower and dress and head out into the night's breeze.

Overall id rate the experience
Fun-8/10
Pleasure-4/10
Vision and feeling-0/10

Now i feel dirty.

Deep Philosophical Thinking

So we live in a materialist society, everyone wants RICHES! MONEY! WEALTH!. What happens at the end? We all die and leave this world the same way we came ie-not going backing into your mothers vagina but leaving without any processions. So what is the point of working? What is the point of earning all this money and then buying a house and buy this and that. Buy memories, buy happiness, buy a kangaroo. What will make one happy? Shit i should stop eating those wild mushrooms that grow on the side of the park....................

To a lighter side, recently, I have been trying to get fired from my job. I AM FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT. Fat people come in asking what is the best way to lose weight using the easiest machine. Well I have news for you - YOUR A FAT CUNT. IF YOU EAT MCDONALD BURGERS EVERYDAY AND THEN EXPECT TO LOSE WEIGHT WITHOUT ANY EFFORT; YOUR FUCKING DREAMING. ALSO, WHEN I AM PACKING UP, DONT FUCKING SOME IN AND START ASKING QUESTIONS. CAN YOU NOT TELL ITS FUCKING CLOSING TIME.I HAVE WORKED THE WHOLE FUCKING DAY AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS LEAVE THIS SHITHOLE. THINK OF IT LIKE THIS, IF YOU WERE TAKING A SHIT AND AT THE END AS YOUR GRABBING TOILET PAPER I COME IN AND TELL YOU TO KEEP ON SHITTING, HOW WOULD THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

Thats it for now.

Once upon a time

in a land far far away

there lived a old man

who was a farmer

he toiled and labored all day

but never made much money

one day a traveller passed by

and asked if he could stay the night

the farmer agreed since he was a nice chap

that night

the farmer asked the traveller what he did for a living

and the traveler told him

" i look for diamonds"

the traveller told the old man all about the business

the old man found out it was a highly profitable business

and that there was lots of money to be made

so the next day after the traveler had left

the old man put his farm for sale

he moved out of his farm and sold the farm to a peasant who had holes in his socks

years passed

and after 10 years searching for diamonds

the old man never found any

one day

he went back to his old farm

and was surprised that there was a mansion built on the farm

the old man knocked on the door

and was greeted by the peasant

now dressed in a suit and wearing diamonds

the old man was puzzled

he asked you did you make so much money?

and the peasant replied

i found diamonds on this farm

the end

...................

Bros

So today I met an old acquaintance of mine and having not seen him for a long time i presented my hand in an effort to make a friendly gesture. What occurred next is the reason why we cannot have nice things. I'll describe him-White male 31 years old. I extended my hand preparing for a man shake but as my hand met his, he pulled back so only our fingers were touching. Please relax you are not reading erotic literature. The handshake then became one of those gangster handshakes..

What has our society come to, are we not able to make a normal handshake? The handshake became very awkward as he did his finger clicking and slapping my hand. I did not know how this primitive form of handshaking works but apparently this is how men shake hands. If observed from faraway, one might think that we are playing hand clapping games. Next time if you cannot shake a hand like a man, I will commit acts that are illegal in certain parts of this planet.

Another thing that really bags my nuts is when people call me bro or cuz. I am not your relative.You did not come out of my mothers/auntie's vagina. Please do not call me bro. Ok ho? you know yo. Sorry..... The best cure to anything is prevention. So one must identify a bro therefore able to avoid a bro. Bro's share common fashion traits as well as behaviour. Common signs you may be interacting with a bro includes:
# Upturned collars for purposes other than sun protection.
# Enough cologone to drown a household pet.
# Cannot talk in constructive sentences and ending words prematurely.

These three signs are the major ones...watch out!

EGG EGG EGG

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Blog update

Been busy so i apologise for the long delay in posting. Anyways got a new job selling fitness equipment at a shopping mall. My duties involve getting peoples attention as they are walking by and then making them purchase fitness equipment that they will probably use once and then let it gather dust.

I work next to a female fashion boutique, so that means i have to listen to corny love songs 8 hours a day. Lately however, they are doing a Justing Breiber promotion so that means I have to listen to that fag sing 8 hours a day. Its like listning to a constipated transexual.

There are many methods we use to gather peoples attention. One of this is standing on a vibration platform where very single piece of your body jiggles. When people ask me what i do, i tell them i jiggle my ass for a living.

Going to attend a company dinner tonight, not looking forward to the faggotry that I will have to partake in.

How to Survive a shootout.

Second Amendment = right to bear arms = you,me,angry korean kid, Rambo can all get a gun. What happens if Rambo has a "senior moment" or flashback? If you are in a situation such as this, or live in a dangerous neighborhood, follow my guide to ensure you dont make the casulty report on the 6'oclock news. Despite the odds of it happening, better safe then sorry. Remember, your no good if your riddled with holes.

Step 1 Get low,"shawty had dem apply body jeans, boots with the fur...." if you get low, there is less surface area for a bullet to hit. Remember this song when you are running since Rappers are professional bullet dodgers.
Step 2 If you are running, run like Forrest Gump. Don't look back. If the gunmen is at long range, ducking as you run or zig zagging can lessen the chance of being shot.

Step 3 Seek solid cover if gunman is in vicinity. Call police as soon as possible-Dont try to be a hero.

"Every hero i know is dead."

Step 4 You can also hide in a room and lock the door. Try to also bar the door with furniture if possible. It will be useful if the room has a window that you can jump out off should the need arise. While waiting in room do the chicken dance.

Step 5 You can play dead. However if you see the shooter shooting bodies on the floor, playing dead can make you dead.
Step 6 The most efficient way to dodge bullets is to make sci fi music whoosh noises and do matrix style body movements. 99 percent chance of dodging bullets. Ensure your wearing sunglasses too.

Blog Critic

So doing a google scan today I discovered my blog has been critiqued on a website called dozenblogs.com. I don't take critique very well so in true critique fashion I will do a website review on their website.

It's hard to choose the worst of all the blog ranking websites out there but we went by category and this one we feel falls best under the category"When your a poofter and you feel the need to make an opinion that no one gives a fuck about except the person you are criticizing who is mentally unstable and may hunt you down and kick your ass.".

website address: http://www.dozenblogs.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=863&catid=47

Innovation 1/10
Not very special. Just another blog ranking website. Not original idea. We're so bored we're turning  pitch black.This website is boring and half if it makes too much sense but no one gives a fuck.  It's copycat  websites  like this that make us believe that websites should be a privilege and not a right.

Navigation: 1/10
There's too much to navigate here and the site is cluttered with spam so points for that.  It literally feels like you're looking at a sunken ship except there is spam all over it and a twitter logo that is burnt to your eye.  If you enjoy looking at sunken ships, then this website is perfect for your intellectual advancement.

Profile: -5/10
Hot or not? There is a youtube video embedded onto the site with a presenter who i presume is the owner. The owner looks like a dirty person, and the video is obviously amateur; made with no professionalism despite its obvious intent. Sticky taping the "sign content is king" proves that the owner ripped off someone else's catchphrase to supplement his/her/it own greed.

LoL Factor: 2/10
If you stare at the twitter logo that follows your screen for awhile. You may start laughing.

Weird Factor: 0/10
"But not weird in a funny way - weird in a pathetic way."
As quoted from website-is he making fun of people who are weird? weird people are people too you heartless sizzledick. 

Social Options: 0/10
He has dozens of friends I'm sure. Everything is organized into dozens. All his website reviews are dozen numerical wise. Pathetic weird.

Fun Factor: 0/10
Follow these steps to ensure maximum fun
1:Start Blog
2. Get rated
3.Take owner to court for defamation and being a ugly cunt
4.Enjoy benefits


Multimedia Options:0/10
So much colours is likely to freeze older computers and induce epilepsy on innocent people.

Overall rated a floppy website-like that of a old man. Thank you have a great day.

 

Happy hobo's guide to the World- Afghanistan

Egypt is a beautiful Originally the world tour was meant to stop at Egypt but Egypt is full of sand, mummies and camel lovers(sexually?) so none of you would be interested in that right? Instead we skipped to a much more interesting country-Afghanistan!


Bombed back to the Middle Ages by America during World War 5. Afghanistan is home to that guy that wears Man Bikinis. What was his name? Borat that’s it! Very nice high five...you just read that in his voice. There is a war going on now so fashion in Afghanistan has changed over the years. Bullet proof vests act as formal casual wear while strapped on bombs are perfect for your birthday party!

There are no forms of communication in Afghanistan as the last phone tower just got deleted by a Air to Ground missile therefore Afghans rely on magic carpets to visit one another. Afghans also invented the 55 dollar hookah. Unfortunately there are no women on earth that would have sex with YOU for 55 dollars so they invented this tube to smoke shit out of with the same name so you can feel better about yourself.

Afghans look like a product of a ethnic gangbang. Asian, Russian,Indian and Martian bloodlines seem to have mixed with Afghan bloodline resulting in what all humans will probably look like in the future. On the subject of sexuality, since there is a surplus of weapons around, missle heads and rpgs are regularly used as sex toys.

There is a way to see Afghanistan for free! Air ticket, lodging and board all provided for! Join the ARMY!*

*terms and conditions apply, may lose limbs or life, no raincheck.

Next time on Happyhobo's guide to the world- Russia!

Vegetarian Debate

Today, the most epic battle between man and man was fought. The history of mankind will never be the same again after my debate with my inbred retard friend. The debate was over-"is an egg meat?"

My friend’s girlfriend’s sister is a vegetarian but she eats eggs based on the concept that an egg is not meat (not fertilised) and that she is just eating the chicken's period. My debate was that the yolk is an embryo that has potential to become a chicken and she is consuming meat so she is a sick fuck like the rest of us. Face it; we love a freshly cooked chicken embryo when we wake up in the morning mixed with some cow ribs. What a way to start the day!

Now that we are on vegans, first of all, All the people of homosexual origins who don't eat meat and cry when people say "your a vegan" when you specify "I'm a a vegetarian and there is a difference"; here is a simple solution to avoid confusion, why don't you just call yourself a fagot?.

Eating vegetables is scientifically proven to turn one into a homosexual with bad body odour and rainbow coloured poo. Back in the Vietnam War when soldiers were stranded in the middle of the mountain with no source of food-who came back as a war veteran? Not the hippies. It was the guys that cannibalised and therefore survived.

Ben Grylls or other survival expert never eat grass. His always eating animal carcasses and insects so it is obvious that vegan’s is pure bullshit invented by homosexuals that had small assholes and couldn't take a penis in their ass so they resorted to eating vegetables as a way to gain attention and receive acceptance from their peers.

Now go to your nearest farm and take a bite out of a pig,horse or farmers daughter dammit.

Freeballing

Today was quite an uneventful day. On the way to work, on the train. Sitting opposite me was a man with his zipper undone and his balls hanging out. At first glance, i could not identify what it was between his white pants but upon closer inspection, i was scarred for life and public transport. I do not know what event in this world would entice one to let their balls hang out. Could it be public nudity? If so, why was his penis not hanging out? Just the two sacs of lovejuice. Could it have been an accident? It would be folly to not feel your testicles clamped by a zipper. So that made me question what was this man's motives?

Why would one just let their family jewels dangle? Freeballing  i believe is the testicle i mean technical term but this guy has taken it to new levels. Apparently this guy was too cool for underwear. Anyways, next time you sit on a public train or bus seat.Remember, one man's sweaty balls was there before you.

Spasm

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asjkdgaskdgaskjgdkjo1qpwjepqmd,samldkasndsda

the end

To the beautiful girl i saw today.....

Dear beautiful stranger,

I have seen you many times though I doubt you see me. You walked past me today and my nut sacks dropped to the floor. We caught the same train today but you never looked once at me. Why are you so beautiful? Why is it every time I see you, something in my hearts pulls at me? I know it’s not a heart condition because I went to see the doctor and he told me I was lovesick. I still doubt the doctor’s abilities because he looked pretty shifty. Your big beautiful eyes look like stars that dropped from the night sky. (Where else would they drop from?). Roses must be afraid to bloom in the presence of your lips. You hair, what type of conditioner do you use because it looks silky like the mane of a horse?-which is a good thing. Your aura like that of an angel. I feel like I'm alive when I see you so that means I must be dead beforehand, I guess what I’m trying to say is you turn me into a zombie.

Love is such a mysterious thing, I see beautiful girls everyday yet your effect cannot be described by my words, oh what can i say?. Did cupid really shoot me with an arrow. Because it must have hit my right ass cheek- its been quite sore for some time.

Will we one day meet again? And talk like old friends. Or am I doomed to forever be a ghost, drifting past you? If that does happen, please call Ghostbusters. So beautiful stranger; stop one day, and look into the eyes of a stranger. Maybe I'm a stranger, but we don't have to be......

Party like a rockstar

Last night, i was released back into the wild. Heres how the night went:

I had dinner early, ate some fried food in preperation for the alcohol im about to consume.  Wasn't very eventful, waiting for friend to call me. Watched Simpsons Movie. At 9.30 friend rings, so i go to his car and we head to the nearest bottle shop which was in the ghettos. Buy some french vodka-i didnt know french people drank man drinks.... Anyways we picked up my friends friend, he got munchies so we got some burgers. Then off to the club where our dreams will come true!!!.

Being tightarses, we drank the vodka inside the car. 36 standard drinks shared between me and buddy in less than half hour. Immediately after 5 minutes alcohol takes effect and fat girls walking past became "America's next top model." I was 1/78th sober so i suggested we get some harpoons so we can catch these whales(very logical). Start singing random songs to random strangers. Chit chat two ladies. Head into club. I danced like mc hammer to rock music and was grinding onto all types of chicks. Black out(i don't remember anything). Come to talking to two girls outside. About to pickup then friend start vomiting. Night over because bouncer kick our ass. Thanks god for your crafty cockblocks :).

Anyways thought i'd share that with you guys.

Shaving the mane off the Lion

I have done it, "I cut the mane off the lion", "deforested the amazon".My lucious pubes have all been shaved off. Now my penor looks like a monk. I gotta say, there are many advantages to shaving my pubes which i will outline below.

1. Increased visual penis size: shaving my pubes definately makes my penis look bigger. Increased ego.

2. Prevented a pubic revolution: Had i let my pubes continue growing, sooner or later my pubes would have overtaken and overthrown my penis. This is due to the fact that i have straight pubes. What has the world come to if penis hair is longer then the actual penis!

3.  Save money on shampoo: When i wash my hair, i also wash my pubes to keep it in its own lucious glory. Now that its gone, i save money on shampoo. Wait, am i the only one that shampoos my pubes?

That is all. Very random but thought i'd let you guys know.........

Safe for work

Use your imagination

Internet Adventure Last part

So the end of the journey has arrived. the last bit is to email facebook username:redninjaman. He/it/she says that, well email redninjamanyou lazy bums and find out yourself. On a side note. New blog posts coming soon!

Internet Adventure Part 3

Alright, the truth is nigh! I discovered the fetish in the picture was ninjas- was hoping to see boobies but severely let down (you had to highlight the picture in internet explorer). I just got this message after sending the email..

Congratulations Mr Hobo on finding the second clue. Your last clue lies in "Vietnam". Mirrors reveal what others cannot see. What has a penis and 2 testicles?

After you have discovered the last word, combine that with all three words discovered before to find the facebook username. Send me this message and i will reply to you:
"What are you playing?"

Happyhobo's guide to the world: China

Set to become the next world superpower, China was formed when a giant chicken got squashed by god's almighty fist. China domination of the world is becoming more and more evident as Chinese restaurants are sprouting up everywhere- the military strategy for world domination is simple; feed the world lots of Chinese food, get everyone fat; therefore easier to shoot!

Instead of condoms, China has a one child policy which means if your child is "retarded or really short", you may have another "retarded or really short child" of equal value. However, you may not have 2 children of average quality. All these rules are made by China's communist government; Communist China means that even while taking a sh*t, it better look like Mao Ze Dong or else your branded a traitor to the motherland!!!

Pirates of the Caribbean look like pansies when compared to Chinese pirates. In China, everything has been pirated including your genitals. That means somewhere on an Asian market, there is a replica of your genitals-exact copy with all the warts and stranded pubes, and there is an Asian lady yelling CHEAP CHEAP next to it.

All famous landmarks, people, places are named in a very simple and efficient manner. One just drops the ring of keys and a name is generated. National past times of China include doing math, farming gold on online video games, doing kung fu and catching flies with chopsticks(not a urban myth).

If you read this sentence and everything above is blank, it means the communist government has censored this article and your a fag. Next time in happy hobo’s guide to the world -Egypt!

Internet Adventure part two

The plot thickens! After replying with the answer (RED, you get it by searching up "find chuck norris" on google and then press im feeling lucky instead of search, the first sentence is red), i received this picture.

Hidden in this image

is hot fetish asian porn

only in internet explorerer you will find

the type of fetish it is, Name the fetish to continue!

My face at the prospect of free asian porn

Huzzah readers, we must find this asian porn!

Internet Adventure!

Buckle up readers of Happyhobo's blog, your life just got a little more interesting. I received this email yesterday. It was emailed to me by an anonymous person-by that i mean anonymous@hotmail.com. Help me solve the puzzle!

Dear Happyhobo, you must help me!
My name is Gabriel, as i write this, i can hear them coming, I do not have much time. I have come to deliver this message but i fear our enemies will intercept this email. I know only you can help me and only you can find out the message. Scattered through the great world of the internet, i have left clues to what the message is. Please, figure it out and help me!

First Clue:
Your very first clue lies in finding Chuck Norris,
with the biggest search engine "google"
Do you feel lucky punk?
Tell me the colour of the first sentence.
Proceed with the answer for your next clue.

That is all he wrote. The next blog post  I will figure it out as we unravel this mystery!

Raising a baby

Follow SIMPLE instructions  to avoid visit from child protection agency.

why I have not been blogging

Dear readers, lately I have been extremely sloppy in adding blog posts. This is due to what I believe menopause. Lately I have been undergoing extreme menopause symptoms. To the shrinks out there, please help me diagnose my situation!


Possible reasons to why I am undergoing menopause at such young age

1. Career changes- I have undergone 3 career changes in the last 5 months. All of these careers are all performance based therefore adding lots of undue pressure. I have gone from sportsman to salesman and now to real estate. If I don't sell, I don't get paid. This is really not my fault since if my bosses weren’t such a cheapskate; I wouldn’t have to change jobs.

2. Bible cock blockage- I will admit it, I am experiencing sexual frustration. With work consuming most all my time, I have no social life. So unless I find a wife, I will not be able to have sex. If only love came in vending machines.....wait, the Japanese have that already right!

3. Freaking birds- Every morning at precisely sunrise, some freaking inbred thought it would be wise to construct a farm in the middle of his backyard (in the city) and breed a few chickens. The only chicken I want to see is those nuggets lying on a plate with sauce next to it. Coupled with a few crows that land on my tree and you can guess why I don't need an alarm.

These are reasons on why I can't blog posts as often. I know they are excuses and people in Africa and Iraq have to dodge bullets and genocide so they can blog post but hey I am very fragile ok?

New Years Resolution

Here is a list of shit to do in the 2010. And its pronounced two thousand and ten; not 20 10 ok?

1. Remove dead thing stuck in gutters thats been stinking up the whole backyard.

2. Find belly button.

3. Get a real girlfriend thats not made up of five fingers and a palm.

4. Cut down on icecream consumption.

5. Take up a new habit instead of drinking.....maybe smoking?

6. Have healthy non retarded children.

7. Save up money for sex toys.

8. Learn to drive non video game style.

9. Have fun

10. Stay alive and don't get stabbed.


These are my new years resolution. Happy Hobo's blog is currently undergoing poor time management and will try his best to post new blog entries.

Aesops Fable

I have edited well loved Aesop's fables from their original gay versions to a much more modern and interesting version by replacing some words. (Read original first on google)

Original: The ass and the grasshoppers
AN ASS having heard some Stoners chirping, was highly enchanted; and, desiring to possess the same charms of melody, demanded what sort of drug they smoked on to give them such beautiful voices. They replied, "The dew."(weed) The Ass resolved that he would live only upon weed, and in a short time died of hunger. Moral of story: don't be a stoner and get a job.

Original: The Wolf and the Lamb
Penis, meeting with a Vagina astray from the fold, resolved not to lay violent hands on her, but to find some plea to justify to the Vagina the Penis's right to eat her. He thus addressed her: "oh pissflaps, last year you grossly insulted me." "Indeed," bleated the Vagina in a mournful tone of voice, "I was not then born." Then said the Penis, "You feed in my pasture." "No, good sir," replied the Vagina, "I have not yet tasted grass." Again said the Penis, "You drink of my well." "No," exclaimed the Vagina, "I never yet drank water, for as yet my mother's milk is both food and drink to me." Upon which the Penis seized her and ate her up, saying, "Well! I won't remain supperless, even though you refute every one of my imputations." Moral of story: This is why rape happens-because it can.

Original: The lion in love
A Pimp demanded the daughter of a woodcutter in pimpage. The Father, unwilling to grant, and yet afraid to refuse his request, hit upon this expedient to rid himself of his importunities. He expressed his willingness to accept the pimp as the pimper of his daughter on one condition: that he should allow him to extract his ""bling bling", and cut off his "bitch slap" hand, as his daughter was fearfully afraid of both. The Pimp cheerfully assented to the proposal. But when the blingless, bitchslap hand free pimp returned to repeat his request, the Woodman, no longer afraid, set upon him with his ak47, and drove him away into the ghettos. Moral of story: Learn to bitch slap with both hands.

Happyhobo apologises for ruining classical literature.